Pet Peeve Part 9

The parody answered before Goody could speak. "Nitwit, dope, clod, a.s.s, pinhead-"

"I know the bleeping word!" the demoness snapped, fire flickering on her breath. "Do you want to live another millisecond, goblin?"

Hannah interposed herself. "It's the bird, using his voice. Her voice. Whatever."

The fire eased into hot coals. "Oh. So what does he/she want?"

"I want to get back my gender," Goody said. "Do you know where No Woman's Land is?"

"It won't drudge."

Goody hated this, but was stuck for it, because he wanted her help. "Won't what?"

"Strain, pull, exert, labor, do a job-"

"Work?"

"Whatever! You can't get from here to there."

"But I have to change back!"

"Too bad. Oo-toodle." Metria faded out.

"Oo-toodle?" Hannah asked.

"She gets her words confused," Goody said.

"Didn't you notice, p.o.o.p-for-brains?"

Hannah flicked a finger at the bird, reminding Goody oddly of the Finger that had started him on this adventure, and the parody twitched a wing as if ready to fly.

"So it seems we have a problem," the barbarian said.

"We?"

"Less of one for me. Do you think you can complete your mission as a gobliness?"

"No!"

"But you know your personality already matches. You can make a very good lady goblin."

"Something's missing."

"Fortunately it doesn't show."

"Haw haw haw!" the peeve laughed.

Goody didn't find it all that funny, but realized that the bird hadn't meant him to be amused. "We've got to get to No Woman's Land."

"But the demoness said-"

"Metria may not have had quite the right word."

She looked at him with masked pity. "Very well. We'll search for the route."

They walked on. Soon they came to a dog whose body was in the shape of a numbered dial with a long pointer and a short pointer radiating from its center. It was sitting and scratching ceaselessly.

Goody had sympathy for animals in trouble. "What's the matter?" he asked it.

The dog glanced at him as if he were an idiot and went on scratching.

"I believe that's a watch dog," Hannah said.

"And it's got ticks," the peeve said.

Goody realized that there was no cure for what ailed the dog, because when the ticks stopped, so would the dog. So he walked on, hoping this was not a clumsy parallel to his own situation.

Next they came to an olive green girl sitting beside the path. She was holding a baby. This seemed odd, because the storks normally did not deliver to children.

"Let's leave the peeve out of this," Hannah said. "Better that you talk to her alone."

"Bleep!" But the bird fluttered to her shoulder, knowing that nothing would happen until it did.

Goody walked on. The girl continued to croon to her baby.

"h.e.l.lo, little girl," Goody said, wondering whether it would be polite to inquire about the baby. Probably not, but he could ask about No Woman's Land.

"h.e.l.lo, goblin girl," the child replied.

"I am Goody. I was wondering-"

"I am I love you."

That set him back. "I don't think I-"

"Olive Hue," she repeated carefully. "Because I'm green."

Oh. "I apologize for mishearing."

"That's all right. Everybody does. I'm green because I envy all you normal folk with real friends. What's your talent?"

"I'm not sure I have one. Most goblins don't."

"Mine's to make imaginary friends. This is Lorlai."

"Lorelei?" he asked, surprised, because that was the name of the Siren's sister.

"Lorlai Fiona," she said carefully. "She's 4.7 months old. She needs me."

"I apologize for-"

"Everybody does. I can make others."

"Others?"

"Imaginary friends." The baby faded out.

Goody was finding this exchange to be more challenging than antic.i.p.ated. "Uh, all right."

Two bigger girls appeared. They were evidently twins, one of light complexion, the other dark.

"h.e.l.lo, Goody," the dark one said. "I am Olive's imaginary friend Suretha. My talent is to turn day to night." The light of day faded, and the scene became dark.

"And I am her sister Sharina," the other girl said. "My talent is to turn night to day." The darkness abated, and it was day again.

Goody digested this. Imaginary friends with real talents? That gave him a wild notion. "I am impressed. Maybe you can help me."

"Sure. But my friends don't last." The twins faded out.

"I am looking for something and don't know where or how to find it. Would any of your friends-"

"Sure."

An older woman appeared. "h.e.l.lo, Goody. I am Mysteria. My talent is to create what is needed, but I don't know what it is or how to use it."

Goody wasn't sure about that, but maybe it was better than nothing. "Would you be willing to create what I need?"

"Certainly." An object appeared in her hand. She proffered it to him.

Goody looked at it. It was a small statuette or a large key in the shape of a person. "Thank you."

But Mysteria was already fading out. The object, however, remained.

"Uh, may I keep this?" he asked Olive, who now had the baby back.

"Sure. It's yours." She resumed crooning.

"Thank you." He walked back to Hannah and the peeve.

"About time!" the bird carped. "Day and night pa.s.sed waiting on you, you slacker."

So the effects had been real for the others too. Those were truly remarkable imaginary friends!

"Any luck?" Hannah asked.

"Some, but I'm not sure what kind." He showed the statuette. "This is what I need."

"What does it do?"

"I don't know."

"How do you use it?"

"I don't know that either."

"What an ignoramus!"

"And is its purpose and application clear to you, peeve?" he demanded as he pocketed the object. That shut the bird up, for a while. "Well, maybe the answers will come," Hannah said dubiously. They walked on. They came to a field of hot crossed buns that looked delicious. It was midday, so Goody picked one and bit into it.

The thing puffed into foul-tasting smoke in his mouth that burned his tongue. "Yuck!" he exclaimed, blowing out a blot of smoke in the shape of a cross.

"That's a hot crossed pun!" Hannah said. "Are you going to be emitting smelly puns for a day?"

"I think I spat it out in time."

"I hope so. The bird's bad enough already, without that."

"What do you call a big drum carried by two nuns?" She looked at him suspiciously. "Is that a-"

"A conundrum!" he said. "Co-nun-drum."

"Ugh! You swallowed some of that crossed pun!"

"I suppose I did," he agreed ruefully. "I think I got it all out now."

"What a stinker," the parody said with satisfaction. "Got any more?"

Hannah peered ahead. "There may be real food across that river."

Goody looked. "But how do we get across? I see colored fins."

She nodded. "Not worth trying to swim. But there must be a way."

They walked along the bank, and the colored fins paralleled them. Those were likely loan sharks, eager to take an arm and a leg if given opportunity.

A woman was sitting on the bank, flipping small coins to the loan sharks. "Don't feed the fis.h.!.+" Hannah said. "That will make them lose their fear of man."

"There are no men here," the girl pointed out. "Do you need to get across?"

"Yes. Do you know a way?"

"Of course. I am Brigitte. I make bridges appear. That's my talent." Brigitte-bridge-it. Goody wondered if the girl had partaken of the hot-crossed puns. "We could use a bridge."

Brigitte gestured. A bridge appeared, spanning the river. "Welcome. That's why I'm here."

"You call that a bridge? I've seen a better span on lace!"

"Really?" The bridge disappeared.