I Didn't Even Want To Live, But God Forced Me To Reincarnate! Chapter 141: Firis

I was always alone.

The earliest memory I had was when I lived in the small and cramped orphanage. The adults over there called me "Firis"—they said that there was a writing embroidered on the clothes I wore when I was found in the middle of a forest.

They said that I was around one-year-old, and that I was glancing here and there, seemingly looking for someone.

But who was I looking for? I couldn't remember.

Also, the writing "Firis" might be embroidered on the clothes I wore, but has anyone think that it might not be my name? However, even if I continued to ponder, I would never find out.

Was I abandoned by my parents? If yes, why? If no, why wasn't there anyone looking for me?

In the orphanage, it seemed that there was shortage of food—but I didn't realize it until later in my life. I thought it was normal to eat only a little. No wonder many of the children were so skinny. I was also included.

I didn't really pay any attention to time, but after living like that for quite some time, until one day, several children including me were sent off to somewhere else.

Then, I spent my days working in the magical stone mine. Many years must have pa.s.sed by, as the other kids who worked together with me all succ.u.mbed to the drawback they got from being in the magical stone mine, which contained dense amount of magical energy.

Ah, so, the magical energy in the magical stone mine was harmful if you stayed there for a long time?

So I thought as I saw another one of us collapsed. The other people who were brought here together with me had all disappeared, but I still remained.

Until one day, we somehow managed to break free. Without nowhere to go, I ended up living in the slums.

Then, that fateful day happened.

"Young la.s.s, stand up and let me take a good look at you."

A man carrying n.o.ble aura suddenly pa.s.sed by the slum I was living in, and I wasn't sure if I managed to induce his fury or what—but he asked me to stand. So I obediently did it.

"Mm, not bad. What's your name?"

"Firis."

"How old are you?"

"…I don't know," I shook my head. After all, it was the truth.

"Hm? Well, it doesn't matter. Do you want to work for me?"

"…work?"

"In exchange, you won't need to be worried of shelter or food."

"…"

Thinking that it was a good idea, I followed that man.

Starting from that moment, I became a maid in the n.o.ble house of Hartmann family. A kind senior named Chloe treated me warmly and for the first time, I thought that maybe, this was how it felt to have a friend?

Back then, I didn't dare to get close to any of my coworkers. Because they'd disappear eventually. Perhaps… this wasn't so bad.

However, the n.o.bleman that picked me up—Boris Pax Hartmann—he was actually a bad guy…

Apparently, it wasn't only me, but there were other young maids who suffered at his hands. But to me… I wasn't starving. I wasn't getting beaten. I didn't have to work 24/7 and didn't have to live in the dirty dungeon. …This… is certainly better… right?

Even Hillde-sama—Boris-sama's wife—turned a blind eye to all this. It seemed like she didn't care, as long as she could live luxuriously as a n.o.ble wife of a duke.

But my thought was too naïve. In the end, after some time working in the Hartmann's house, life started to grow inside my own body. It felt too surreal that I wasn't sure what I should do. Even Chloe seemed to be the one more worried than me.

"Oh my… Firis, what to do? You should have told me earlier… but now it's too late… You're already pregnant with a child… what to do?"

"…Even if I told you, there was nothing we could do about it, right?"

"That is… We can try to escape—"

"Chloe, those who escaped were all annihilated."

"…You're right. But, Firis…"

"To me, as long as I could live well with shelter and food, it's enough… but… I had never thought that…"

That I would have a child.

…A child?

My own child?

…I'm going to become a mother?

I will have a family?

Thinking about it, I couldn't help but touch my flat belly. I wonder how does it feel having a family?

"But what should we do? If they found out about it, would they let you go? Wouldn't they kill you and the child right away? I'm not sure what Boris-sama will think about it, but Hillde-sama will certainly not… Firis, as long as you can continue to live, then it's better than having you and that child die, so let me get some medicine to—"

"I'm going to give birth to this child."

"Firis?!"

"This is my… family. I don't want to… abandon my child," I said.

Mm, yes, I know how it feels to be abandoned… though I'm not sure if I was really abandoned or…? It didn't matter, though.

"I don't want to kill, Chloe," I continued.

"Firis… I… I didn't mean to… I was also against killing anyone, but… if they were to find out about it, wouldn't they also kill you? Saving a life is still better than having two lives gone like that…," Chloe seemed like she was about to cry.

…How funny, although I was the one who should be worried, but for some reason, I was calmer than Chloe.

"Chloe, I'm going to be fine. If I have to die along with this child, then that's surely my fate. I will accompany this child to the other world, then," I calmly a.s.sured Chloe, but why did her complexion turn worse?

"Firis… I already thought of you as my own family," she pleaded.

I was stunned at her words. If I remembered correctly, when I first started working here, Chloe only had a small daughter as her family. But when she was of age to go to school, Chloe sent her off to a school with a dormitory there. I understand her thoughts.

She probably didn't want her daughter to be affected by the nasty things happening here. After all, Chloe only had her daughter as her deceased husband's memento.

I certainly had no blood relation to Chloe or her husband, or even her daughter. So, one could be considered as a family even without the blood relation?

In the end, I had to spend quite a long time convincing Chloe. She finally let me to do what I wanted, albeit she was being reluctant.

Unexpectedly, instead of getting killed, Boris-sama agreed to letting me give birth to the child. He also convinced Hillde-sama to welcome the child.

Yes, I could give birth to this child as long as I agreed to let him be acknowledged as the Hartmann family's second child.

Yes, that meant… this child won't recognize me as his mother. He would know that his mother was Hillde-sama…

I was only able to become the child's wet nurse and maid… but that meant, I still could be by this child's side. So, it's okay.

At that time, I saw hint of disdain flashed in Hillde-sama's eyes as she unwillingly said 'yes'… and at that exact moment, I knew that things won't be that great for the child that was in my womb. His "mother" would definitely make things difficult for him in the future.

…Well, that's understandable, though.

Apparently, Boris-sama and Hillde-sama's only child, Dius-sama was quite sickly these days, and Boris-sama was worried that he'd be without an heir. Hillde-sama injured her body when she gave birth to Dius-sama, so she couldn't bear any more children…

Boris-sama could have taken another wife, but for some reason, he didn't. We all a.s.sumed that he could just 'play' to his heart's desire so why bother?

Plus, it seemed like he didn't like being bound to someone else, and rumor said that he was quite reluctant when he got married, but it couldn't be helped. We could see this theory might be true by observing Boris-sama and Hillde-sama's relations.h.i.+p.

In addition, even if Dius-sama would be fine and that he'd be the heir to the Hartmann family, Boris-sama thought that having another child would be good. The Hartmann family had no branch family, so building one would be beneficial.

I felt upset when I thought that they treated my child as a spare, or as a mere tool to them… but I had no choice but to endure, if I wanted myself and this child to live.

After I gave birth to a son, luckily enough, his appearance looked similar to the rest of the Hartmann family—but I felt like his blue eye resembled mine so much, though there were some of the Hartmann ancestors possessing blue eyes as well.

"His name would be Icarus Valkyane Hartmann," Boris-sama announced.

"Icarus suits him very well," Hillde-sama said with a hint of mocking.

How could I not know? Icarus was well-known as the man who fell because he dared to fly close to the sun. The name served as a warning, so that this child wouldn't go beyond his limitations—as he was nothing but an illegitimate child.

I hated them for giving a name with such a meaning to my child. I hated myself for being powerless to do anything.

"…Valkyane… Kyan… Ah, Cyan… your eye color is cyan… All right, let's call you Cyan," I said as I held my baby in my arms.

It was strange. It felt surreal when I was pregnant with him, but after looking at him, I felt some kind of warmth from within myself. Is this how it feels being a mother?

"Mm, good child," I lightly kissed him. Ah, he smiled. How cute.

…but I could only act like a mother to him for a short while.

After he grew up, I should know my place as his maid.

It was excruciating to watch as he grew up and I had to watch my distance. When I saw him crying because of Hillde-sama or Dius-sama's coldness. When I saw him asking why his mother wouldn't want him.

How could he know that I was his mother?

'Your mother is here, and she loves you more than anything…' how I wished I could tell him that.

But I knew I shouldn't, so I did my best to show him my care, in the ways I could. It felt so great having him smile at me and call my name sweetly. I was content with just that.

…Despite all this, Cyan accidentally found out the truth.

That I was his biological mother all along.

I thought he'd be upset, but instead, he was happy…?

He wasn't disappointed and confused, but he was happy?

"Can I call you [mom]?"

With my slightly trembling hands, I stroked Cyan as I said with a hoa.r.s.e voice, "…only in private."

Because it would be bad if he calls me that way in front of the others. Others would find out. Boris-sama and Hillde-sama would be so angry. More importantly, it would especially be bad for Cyan.

He's my own son, but he shouldn't call me 'mom'.

Even so…

"Mom!! I'm so happy!!"

Seeing his delightful face and his sweet voice as he called me 'Mom,' I feel like it doesn't really matter.

"Sorry for keeping it from you… I didn't mean it, but since things would turn bad…"

"Why?"

Looking at Cyan's genuine questioning eyes, I felt a sudden headache.

…This is indeed a problem.

How do you explain such a complicated situation to a small child like him?