My Soul Will Find Yours 145 Goodbye For Now

My legs didn't want to move as I remained rooted to where I was standing. After crying in front of Kaname's tomb, I couldn't make myself part from his final resting place. I only felt myself move when I got a call from the coaster driver asking me where I was. With a heavy heart, I left the mausoleum, took my abandoned camera equipment, and went back to the temple. I didn't say anything when the driver asked if I was okay. I probably looked weird because he would furtively give me anxious glances from time to time. He led me to a taxi stand, hailed me a cab, and told the driver the address of the inn I was staying at.

I snapped out of my melancholia when the cab started to move. Like a frightened animal, I jumped and looked around me.

"We're moving?" I gasped, my hands clutching at the corduroy upholstered seat.

"Yes, customer-san. I'm going to bring you to Aras.h.i.+yama Benkei," the middle-aged driver said patiently, his eyes on the rearview mirror. "Please put on your seatbelt."

"W-what is this—" I began to ask but stopped myself in time and did as was told instead. Then, with wide eyes, I studied my surroundings...

The interiors of the cab oddly reminded me of a grandmother's home with all the doilies and crocheted runners. My driver, on the other hand, looked extremely professional in his black uniform, hat, and white gloves. He perfectly embodied a chauffeur. When he caught me staring through the rearview mirror, I quickly looked down, reminding me once again that I was no longer in pre-modern j.a.pan because I saw that I was wearing the skirt I was showing Kaname barely an hour ago. I rummaged through my bag and took my cellphone, its battery was seventy-five percent full and my wallpaper was of a photo of my cat Panther, not of Kaname kissing my sleeping self during the first birthday I celebrated with him. Slowly, I tapped the Gallery icon but got too scared to find that all the photos I took with my husband and maids were gone so I hurriedly swiped back… With my heart beating fast, I retrieved the compact powder from my makeup bag. It was barely touched, its puff only had a light smudge of the powder when I forgot to use a brush the first time I used it. I looked at myself in the mirror and had another shock: the slight wrinkling I noticed between my brows just days ago was gone and so was the little scar on my left cheek that I got when I was still learning how to use the katana.

"How cruel," I whispered. "Not a trace… Not a single trace… It's as if the past almost five years never happened."

"Customer-san, is everything alright?" the driver asked. He was probably disturbed by my talking to myself.

"Y-yes," I whispered shakily although it was the complete opposite. "Please don't mind me."

"Alright," he replied and focused on the road once more.

What is happening? Please, G.o.d… It wasn't just a dream, right?! But why do I look like my younger self? Why was I back in my modern clothes? When I went to Kaname's time before, my clothes were unchange…

I had several questions in my head and they circled my thoughts over and over until I felt like I was going to suffocate. I wanted to scream and shout but I was afraid that I might end up being brought to an asylum. Kaname, my twins, little Riku… The loves of my life… They're all real right? They weren't figments of my imagination…

~~~

The cabbie just left when a familiar face walked towards my direction. She looked like she was about to go out for a leisurely stroll because her face was lightly made up. As if I found a lifeline, I ran to her arms and cried for probably the nth time that day.

"Ryuko-san!" I hugged her tightly. "Please help me, I don't know what's going on!"

"Hinchan, what's wrong?" she asked, her motherly aura slightly soothed my aching heart and mind but her words brought me back to reality.

"Hina… Hinchan?" I frowned.

"What's wrong, dear?" she repeated her question then complimented me, "My, your j.a.panese has improved quite a lot!"

With a hand on my lips, I shook my head and ran away without excusing myself. I heard her call my name twice but I ignored her. At the front desk, I showed the staff-on-duty my pa.s.sport and asked what my room number was. She replied and handed me my keys. When she asked me if something was wrong, I just shook my head and went to find my room.

As soon as the door behind me closed, I slumped on the floor and let the waterworks go on.

~~~

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was my only source of light at the moment because I couldn't bring myself to insert the room card in its slot earlier. Squinting, I checked who my caller was.

It was mum.

"M-mama?" my voice was hoa.r.s.e and barely a whisper.

"Hina?" came the voice of the person I haven't heard in years. "Anak[1], what's wrong?"

"Mama…" was all I could say.

"Hina, you only call me mama when you're unwell or scared. Where are you? What's wrong?"

"I… I'm in my room─"

"h.e.l.lo? Who is this? Why do you have my daughter's phone? Do you speak English?" my mother asked on the other line, reminding me that I was speaking in j.a.panese again.

I ended the call to try and gather myself. Seconds later, my phone started ringing again. Mum was calling me back.

I took a deep breath, exhaled, and then repeated the entire process thrice. "h.e.l.lo, mum?"

"Hina, who answered my call earlier? It sounded like you but the woman spoke in j.a.panese," she said.

"She's, uhh, a f-friend I met," I lied. "Mum, I'm cutting my trip short. I might be coming home tomorrow."

"Why?"

"I missed you, that's why," I told her. I wasn't lying but it also wasn't the only reason why I made my split second decision.

"Silly girl, you're thirty now! You really should stop being so dependent on me," although she said these she sounded touched and happy.

"I'll take the latest flight tomorrow, that way I'll be able to buy the stuff on your list," I said as the memories of the first half of my trip came rus.h.i.+ng back.

"Thank you, anak. By the way, have you had dinner already? It's already seven there, right?"

"I'm not hungry," I told her. "I'll probably call it a night after booking my ticket so I can have an early start tomorrow. The shops here open as early as seven so I'll probably be done with my shopping on or before noon."

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

"I love you, mum. I really missed you," I almost choked on the last words.

"I love you, too, my Hina," she replied before hanging up.

~~~

After securing my return ticket, I spent the rest of the night researching about Kiris.h.i.+ma Kaname. It took all my courage to start reading the search results because I was afraid of what I would read. Based on the guidebook I bought prior to coming here, Kaname died a year shy away from sixty due to cardiac arrest. He unfortunately had no heir. His only child was borne by his second wife Ayaka but he died from some unknown disease at the age of two. Mami, his official wife, never got pregnant despite being married to him for several decades. According also to my book, he didn't have any remarkable accomplishments save for the justice system he made under his rule and that he was best known for his odd eyes.

However, the results my search engine sang him praises after praises. He was an advocate of proper and equal education for all, he made sure that all the feudal lords never abused their power and only took what was required of them from the farmers, he was also known for the trade system he established that made sixteenth century j.a.pan flourish.

When I reached the part that spoke of his family life, my throat tightened. It mentioned Ayaka's betrayal and death, the incident that left Mami's beautiful face scarred, and surprisingly… Me. The scholars mentioned a Lady Hinata "of unclear background" countless times. One particular researcher gushed that our love was unusual for that period when she narrated the executions of Ayaka's father as well as Nagahito's. She also said that it was "unfortunate that the lady of the Kiris.h.i.+ma castle died a sudden death hours after being officially married to the shogun. In his grief and heartbreak, Lord Kiris.h.i.+ma didn't hold a public viewing and had her buried the very next day with only him, a handful of servants, and his children in attendance. Since his beloved wife's death, the shogun rarely smiled as written by his only daughter, Lady Miyako, in her diary. Even in his deathbed, it was said that Lord Kiris.h.i.+ma Kaname's last words were still about Lady Hinata." I had to calm myself down after reading those lines because each word was like a bullet to my heart. Nothing compared to the pain I felt while reading those words. It must have been difficult for my family to get themselves together after I left, just thinking of all the hards.h.i.+ps Kaname went through to mend his broken heart as well as the kids' made me wish that I could return to them once more.

My secret ident.i.ty, Jin-san, was also mentioned in some articles. Aside from being the shogun's personal guard and official translator, his charm was also cited because it turned out that Lady Sen never married because of him. As for the rice b.a.l.l.s, they all grew up to be excellent members of society. Riku succeeded his father when he died while Touya became a well-known painter. Miyako continued and improved her father's work in the educational system of the country and became an advocate of free education for all. I smiled happily when I read that my babies married the loves of their lives; my boys made having only one wife as the norm and started monogamy in the country.

As the economy of j.a.pan flourished under Kaname's rule, many modern inventions such as cameras entered j.a.panese soil. Kaname was given the nickname of "the photographer shogun" because of his love for portrait photography. When I saw his works, I couldn't help the sad laughter from bubbling in my throat because they reminded me of the first birthday dinner he organized for me, the pictures he took then, and how he directed our poses… Of all the photographs he took, my favorite was a group selfie of him and the kids when they were all around the age of sixteen. Touya was holding a realistic painting of me in it, making the t.i.tle of the photograph "Kazoku[2] very apt. I recognized the background as my room in the ooku because of the very familiar dresser that was peeking behind Riku's shoulder. I downloaded and saved the photo to make it my phone's wallpaper.

That night, I fell asleep hugging my phone.

~~~

The plane was about to start taxiing when the woman beside me suddenly got up and transferred to first cla.s.s. With a frown, I asked the male flight attendant how it became possible when their website declared that there were no more vacancies there last night.

"I also asked the ground stewardess earlier just in case someone cancelled and got the same reply," I said.

"A kind sir waned to swap seats with the madam," the man with the word John in his nameplate replied.

"Oh," was all I could say.

When the guy who swapped seats with my former seatmate sat beside me, I joked and told him that he should've swapped seats with me instead.

"If I did that then I wouldn't be able to sit next to you," he told me with a grin.

The smile on my lips vanished when I heard his reply. Great, I'll have to endure a four-hour flight with an overconfident douchebag.

"You don't look so happy," he frowned.

"No s.h.i.+t, Sherlock!" I almost spat out but I just turned to the window and ignored him. The moment the plane successfully lifted off, I started to cry.

"Goodbye for now, Kaname," I whispered as my tears fell. "I promise I'll return soon."

I felt the guy beside me tap my shoulder. Annoyed, I wiped my tears and was about to yell at him to leave me alone when I saw that he was offering me his clean and neatly pressed handkerchief.

"Thanks but no thanks," I declined.

"I hope you don't mind but who's Kaname?" he asked curiously. Because I remained silent, he added, "Sorry. Please pretend that I didn't ask."

Again, I didn't say anything.

"Miss, I'm sorry if I came across as annoying earlier. I was just telling the truth."

"Could you please shut up?" I snapped at him. "Say one more word and I'll call the cabin crew on you!"

"I don't normally do this, okay? I'm a decent person with a good background," he showed me his ID, it said that his name is Brandon Lim and that he's the art director of a popular magazine in my country. "I'm not a creep and it's not my style to pick up girls during international flights."

"Isn't that what you're doing right now?" I glared at him.

Because I was now looking at him properly, I noticed that this guy named Brandon had long, jet black hair. His almond shaped eyes were framed by thick, long lashes while his thin lips were naturally pink. For some reason, the small mole on the bridge of his nose completed his I'm-an-accomplished-and-handsome-man air.

"Believe me I'm not," he held his hands up in the air in surrender. "I'm sorry, miss. I don't really intend to creep you out. It's just that you look like the woman I keep dreaming of."

"Oh, please!" as if on cue, the fasten seatbelt sign was turned off. I unbuckled my seatbelt with the intention of calling the attention of the flight stewards.

"Please! I'm begging you to believe me!" he grabbed my wrist in an attempt to stop me. "I'm serious!"

Maybe it's because of the urgency and sincerity behind his words, or maybe it's because I felt something awfully familiar when our skins touched, but I found myself stopping what I was doing.

"Let go of me," I ordered not as forcefully as I would've wanted.

"Sorry," he said for the fourth time as he released me.

We were silent for a short few minutes when he spoke again.

"I've been dreaming about you all my life," he murmured. "I don't know why but you've haunted me in my dreams for as long as I can remember."

"And what were those dreams about?" I was still annoyed but was admittedly slightly curious now.

"It was always the same thing: we're in a room in a j.a.panese style house and you were waiting for me to…" he didn't continue but judging by the way his face turned crimson, I already had an idea.

"Oh, so it's that kind of dream," I narrowed my eyes at him.

My response fl.u.s.tered him. "I don't understand it myself! I was behind you when you went through customs earlier, I nearly had a heart attack when I saw your side profile. It's her, my mind kept screaming!"

"Huh," was all I could say.

"Trust me, I really don't do this. This is totally not my style but, miss, could you humor a weird guy like me and listen to the rest of my story?"

"You want me to know the rest of your dream!?" I was shocked.

"No, no! What I mean is, would you listen to how my dreams began and how it's affected my life?"

"alright," I said reluctantly. "But if I hear one inappropriate thing, I'm reporting you!"

"I swear I won't say anything that will make it even more awkward between us."

"Okay."

"Before anything else, may I at least know you name? It's totally okay if you want me to continue addressing you as miss though."

After hesitating for a while, I decided that there's no harm in telling him my first name. "Hinata. My name is Hinata."

"Hinata," he repeated, his lips formed into a small upward curve. "That's a beautiful name. It completely suits you."