My Soul Will Find Yours 88 Afraid That I Would Judge Him

"Okay," Kaname took a deep breath before continuing. "Remember what I told you during my first night in your room? You know, about it being the second time I was going to sleep without bedding a woman?"

I nodded my head, he did say that. I remember being so curious about it although I didn't pursue the matter at the time.

"I was not lying… Mirei is the first woman I had," he continued. "We met on my initial year of taking the role of the shogun. It was a balmy summer evening and I was out for a short ride when I heard the cries of a woman. She ran away from home because her father wanted to sell her to a daimyo in her hometown in exchange for a better life. They didn't have much, she said, and her brothers were still young. Her father told her that she will be taken in by the highest ranking feudal lord as a concubine. You've seen her, she is beautiful, and because of this she was accepted by my subordinate without a second thought."

"But she was only on her fourth year of adolescence, she believed she was still too young and didn't want to become some old man's wife. Although she begged her father to reconsider and even promised to look for work in the capital, his decision remained unchanged. The night we met was the night she was supposed to be moving out of her home. When I saw her crying, I initially thought she was just lost so I brought her to the inn where I was staying. The next day, she told me the truth. She was too emotional and tired the night before to explain everything to me. She begged me not to tell anyone and because I admired her for wanting to live her life the way she wanted, I made arrangements for her to work for Yasumori-san. I frequent this place because the Kanto[1] region is the heartland of feudal power. Whenever I visit Gunma, Mirei makes it a point to see me. She'd give me updates on how her life has been since our last talk, I was glad she was doing well. One night changed the platonic relations.h.i.+p we had into a purely physical one. It happened again and again until it became a normal occurrence for us. My union with Mami didn't stop it. I spent most of my time in the area so I was always with Mirei. Together, we explored and discovered what two bodies were capable of doing together. She was being serious about what she told you earlier; everything I know, I did with her first."

Kaname paused and looked me in the eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I signaled him to move on. "Don't worry, I'm fine."

"Okay… Now where was I?" he was silent before he spoke again. "While we agreed to keeping it a purely physical relations.h.i.+p, she swore that her body only belonged to me," his lips curved wryly. "I couldn't make the same vow, of course. I was already a married man. Then Ayaka came into the picture, she was very eager to please me... She gave me the release I needed whenever I was in the palace. And when I was away, Mirei was there… But as you know, things started to change when I met you. Even when I was in Kai, I couldn't bring myself to have another woman. Thinking of you was enough but at the same time, it was pure torture because I wanted you with me there."

"And what about Mami?" I had to mention my only confidante in the palace. "What is she to you, Kaname?"

"Mami… Is my official wife."

"And?"

"Traditionally, as the shogun, I should have been married to a princess borne by the imperial couple. However, at the time, all their daughters were too young to be my bride. Even the ones from the harem were still children. I didn't want to marry a kid. The emperor wanted to establish a bond between me, the new shogun, and them, the royal family, as soon as possible so he gave me his fourth niece. He didn't give the bureaucrats a chance to make their move, I married Mami a week after we were introduced."

"The emperor sure is swift," I said before adding, "You both mentioned having an agreement. What is it?"

"It's quite unexpected and to be honest, a bit shocking," he said as he rested his head on a pillow. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes."

Kaname closed his eyes. "On our wedding night, Mami told me her deepest, darkest secret. It has changed how our marriage turned out."

"What is it?" I asked when he didn't continue.

"I'm sorry, Hina, but it's not my secret to tell," he said as his eyes slowly fluttered open.

"Alright, I understand," I replied as I fluffed my own pillow.

"You should ask her when we get back," he whispered after a while.

"That's what I intend to do. I hope she trusts me enough to tell me." His lids were dropping close again, he looked like he would pa.s.s out any minute so I asked, "Is that all? Are you done telling me your story?"

"Hai," he closed his eyes once more.

The alcohol mixed with the fatigue from traveling practically the entire day must be finally catching up to him so I didn't say any more. Instead, I just looked at the second and probably the last man I'll ever love for a very long time. He didn't say it but I felt how nervous and uncomfortable he was when he was telling me his story, his odd eyes spoke the fear he was feeling… He was afraid that I would judge him.

I wouldn't do that, though, as I believe that would be hypocritical of me. True, it's unfortunate that we aren't each other's firsts, but it was beyond both our control. I loved Tyler when I gave myself to him; like Kaname, everything I know, I've learned from my first s.e.xual partner. When Kaname found out that I was no longer a virgin, he didn't fault me for it and trusted me when I said that I've only been with one man. As for him, he has always been clear with me about how experienced he is in this department.

I ran a finger on his jaw before giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. I was about to get up to snuff the oil lamp out when he grabbed my wrist.

"Kaname?" I asked, he was looking at me with very sleepy eyes. "I'm just going to snuff out the lamp."

He sat up and patted his face awake with his free hand. "I haven't heard your story yet, I'm sorry I dozed off."

"No, no. It's okay," I told him. "You're tired and a bit drunk, we can continue tomorrow."

"But I want to hear your story now, Hina," he insisted. "Look, I'm awake now. See?"

He was patting his face awake with both hands now.

"Fine, but don't sleep on me!" I threatened jokingly.

"I won't, I swear it."

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[1] Geographical area of Honshu, the largest island of j.a.pan. The region includes the Greater Tokyo Area and encompa.s.ses seven prefectures: Gunma, Tochigi, Ibaraki, Saitama, Tokyo, Chiba, and Kanagawa. (Wikipedia.org)