Spiritual Seed Awakening 24 Chapte 24
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We had little communication, but I valued her company. This loneliness, fear, and sadness is too much to bear alone. It has only become bearable with her around. I had to ignore these feelings, or not survive. The only other option was to lose my mind, and or be consumed by depression.
A normal human would not be able to adapt well to a situation like mine. My sense of time may be inaccurate, but the time I have spent here feels like an eternity. It was having someone to be with, that made this situation feel possible to overcome.
I have been in this cave alone for so long it feels. I have multiple bodies, but in the end, they all are me. My bodies are of one mind. This seemed to amplify my sense of loneliness.
I have to make sure Lilac, and I escape. I know this is the last stretch that lays ahead of us. This gives me a new sense of hope. I am so close. I just need to escape using the air tunnel. I know around where it exist because the corpse spider was here before the changes to the cave, and miasma increase.
The wind chamber should still be there. It is the only exit to the surface I know of. If there is a chance at life, and I will take it. I need to live. I need to get revenge for hemlock, so I can truly be free. I need...I feel a familiar cold sensation coming over me.
This feeling I have ignored in the past. It helped calm my mind when my emotions were clouding my judgment. I needed to focus, and survive, but that end of that.
I want to live, but not the life of a mindless beast. I will control my destiny. I want a new life where I can have a peaceful garden. Where lilac can live happily by my side, and where nothing binds me. I refuse to allow that cold sensation to seal me, or my suppress feelings any longer. I WANT FREEDOM!!!!… I feel something in me change.
I can sense that mysterious cold sensation suddenly with a new heightened clarity. The energy is internal. I can sense it coming from with in. I use my soul to exame it. As my soul touches this cold enery, I get the most unusual feeling. This feeling is weird, to say the least. It's similar to the sensation of losing feeling in a leg. It's your body, but having lost control of a limb, makes it feels foreign.
I know now that my fight is internal, but how I face this cold enery beats me. This issue is not as simple as knowing the source. I lack confidence in solving this mysterious force. This cold feeling is not foreign as I first thought. I can feel it coming from within. I follow this sensation with my soul. This is not a physical cold, but a frozen mental suppression that slowly is was.h.i.+ng over my soul from my core.
I quickly make the decision to cut off external stimuli, and focus on the task at hand. I draw my bodies near a wall, focus my soul into my main body. In my mind, I can see the three-eyed infant in my core. It has grown little since I last saw it. I search for the cold energy, and am stumped.
While I attempt to find it, I think about my experience being a formless soul in the void. My soul now has taken shape, but when I extend it around my body in shapes I desire, it's still my soul. I have fragments of my soul in other bodies which are very much part of my soul. I belive finding something with such flexibility in shape may be difficult if it even is a soul issue of some kind.
As I think about this difficulty, I look at myself in a sense. This green three-eyed infant with tattoos is my soul avatar, or mental representation of myself. I think that's what it is at least. I only took a few seconds to think about all of this, when I feel little cold energy again.
I can sense the enery in myself, but strangely I can sense it around my core. My infant self is not the source, I happy to learn. I am now looking inside of the core in main body. There is limited s.p.a.ce, but I can't find anything. The area around my core is does not seem to have enough of the cold energy to be the source.
The source of the cold energy must be comming from my core then, but where? I think hard about where the source might be. The energy is not qi. I do not "see" any foreign objects inside myself. I already checked twice. I am frustrated to say the least.
The feeling I sense with my soul though is telling me it must be in my core. I am not sure how half of the crazy nonsense I encounter works. I just roll with whatever comes my way. I trust that is has to be there even if I can't find it.
I begin to think about how to stop this cold energy when I encounter it, while looking. I suddenly get an idea. I begin to flood my mind with the same string of thoughts of freedom. I yell out in my mind, trying to mimic the same emotions. The desire to be free, affection for lilac, and my will to live.
It works because suddenly the cold energy appears in my core like fog. I can sense this fog, and this fog seems to notice me as well. The cold feeling is much stronger as fog appears in my core. So this confirms it as the source. It is a thin fog at first, but it condenses.
The fog forms a whirlpool, and drawing the fog into a point. This point being to grow in ma.s.s, and starts taking shape. It apears to be a infant. It grows til it matches my own size. There are now two versions of myself suddenly.
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After a moment of shock, I notice my doppelganger has some striking differences. I am three-eyed baby with striking tattoos, and have eyes green like emeralds. My body is green in color, but I have skin. The fraternal twin only has two eyes. The features are similar, but the eyes are blood red, and the body looks as if it was crafted from the snow.
This little monster is the source of this freezing feeling. It gives off a chilling feeling that my my soul s.h.i.+ver. This other baby is also surrounded by a red, and purple mist. I can feel resentment, the urge to slaughter, and a fridge aura from it. It floats directly in front of me. It is not that close though.
It hits me suddenly where this other creature in my core may have originated. My ability to devour souls is not without flaws. I do not absorb one hundred percent of the souls I devour. There is often time a small amount of soul essence that escapes my devouring process.
I think of it as how mammals lose energy when converting food into energy. The waste products are plenty in mammals. My soul-devouring process is more efficient, but not perfect. Soul essence, insanity, the influence of souls devoured, and who knows what else are all byproducts, but I absorb most of the soul in the process.
I do not claim to be an expert in soul-devouring, but the benefits out weight the consequences. Only a fool would claim to be an expert on such a subject with no great understanding of the principles behind such a grand skill. I would use my understanding of soul essence as an example.
I only have an educated guess right now, but my theory is soul essence is the most basic component of a soul. It's less complex than a soul fragment. There are no complex memories or "soul structures" present. A soul structures is just a term I made up to name the support structure of a soul. These structures are able to make a soul, or soul fragment able to hold form. Even this complex soul structures is a half baked theory, but I think the soul is more complex then just having a memory is nessary to hold form.
The soul is mysterious, but I would compare soul essence to water. I feel compare lots of things to water, but I understand water, or at least have a basic understanding of it. Water makes sense to me, the soul not so much.
The basics of this theory is that Soul essence is like water in the air. It's there, but sensing it is hard unless it's in high concentration. I guess this water vapor like soul essences make up the base of a soul. A soul fragment is different because it holds at least has partial memories. It's like water because a soul fragment takes these water vapors, and forms a condensation of sorts from the vapor like soul essence.
These memories are like a cold temperatured object that allows droplet, or soul fragments to form. This new soul fragment is made of soul essence, but the difference is a soul fragment can hold basic memories. While soul essence at most can hold lingering emotions.
I believe a soul would normaly form like this snow baby from even a rock if there was enough soul essence over time. These memories, or cold would allow a bond to form a soul fragment, and allow it to remain stable, and not turn back into soul essence.
This is not to say that a soul fragment can remain a fragment with just memory alone. A body is needed, or a soul fragment, or soul deteriorate back into soul essence with out inhabiting a vessel.
The only issue with my theory is that a soul fragment ignores my water theory because it does not form to the shape of the container, or body it inhabits. I have learned this while studying the soul. A soul fragment, or even weak soul does not adapt to the body. A body may even be reject a soul. It may even deteriorate almost as a act of rebellion.
This rebellion of body, is only half the issue of getting a soul entering a foreign body. I can only be thankful my soul was successful two times entering new bodies. My second, and third bodies are unique. One is a corpse, while the other was taken shortly after birth. I can only a.s.sume these were reasons for my success.
A soul fragment will remain in it's "shape" not adjusting to its new body completely. It's not rebirth, but a soul inhabiting a foreign body. it still has it's memories, and has already adjusted to it's orginal body. Also a snake soul can better control, and adapt to a snake body. a dog soul, may have a higher rejection rate.
I know a soul fragment will turn into soul essence without a body. The rest is all just theory, but important to make sense of why I think I know where this infant made of snow came from.
If the soul fragment does form not form a soul, the body will reject the soul, and turn into soul essence. This is so confusing, and frustrating. I have studied the soul, but what I understand is I know enough to comprehend that I know little about the true nature of the soul.
So When I absorb souls, I am doing the opposite of how a soul forms. I am returing souls, and soul fragments their soul essence. I cause desires to fade, or get lost over time. Memories from the souls are also taken by me. I can read them, but when devoring a soul, I erase them from the soul.
The souls are then converted into soul essence. This once complex soul, or soul fragment returns to soul essence. I absorb the soul essence, and essence of the soul. The latter being memories, and emotions.
I can't say if soul essence is the most basic part of a soul. Soul essence only holds raw emotions, and no memories, or a higher level of thought. I had not worried about soul essence that may have escaped my devouring process.
I ignored this waste product because the remainder of what I eat is weak in comparison to fragments, and souls I devour. It is like trying to licking the bottom of a bottle of juice for a few more drops. Who chases crumbs? I certainly do not, but these crumbs may have fed lingering resentment.
I am not sure what may have fed on these residual amounts of soul essence. I devoured hemlock's soul fragment with great attention, because the consequences would have killed me otherwise I am sure. I can only think of a few possibilities where this other soul baby came, but I am sure that's how it has grouwn stronger.
The soul-devouring seed I fused with upon coming to this world is the first suspect. I never questioned it still being in control of me, but in a way, it may have. My main body is unique. It might be able to absorb soul essence just as well as my soul. This is just me saying that mabye the instincts of my main body may conflict with my mind.
Anthor theory is that the spider soul fragment may be still active somehow surviving on soul essence hiding. My last theory is I messed up practicing the night lotus mantra cultivation art. I am not a night lotus, and maybe it has some sort of flaw that affects personality. This flaw might have amplified my body's instinct, or something along those lines. This completely calculating death machine is not my true self, or least not totaly.
This cultivation mistake is a strong possibility. The art it self could just warp the mind. Hemlock was not a kind soul. I don't have any more time to waste wondering why, or how. My will to live is strong, and I refuse to allow this snow baby to effect my mind any longer.
I want to live my life, my way. The need to feel is normal coming from a human perspective. I am sick of it denying myself emotions. I have have free thought, but have been reserved in my reactions to the impossible becoming reality. This whole chain of thoughts has felt like awhile, but time has not moved much.
My thoughts have become quicker I noticed. I guess a strong soul allows my mind to run faster pace then before. The baby in my core suddenly opens all three eyes. I feel something in me change as it awakens.
I am no longer conscious as a shapeless soul, but I am the three-eyed infant. It was as I was its dream before. I was always the three-eyed infant, but I was shapeless in my main body. The dream of a infant, now I am fully awakened. That change was so quick.
I now face this other infant in a duel of wills. An internal soul battle for control. A battle for the ages. A duel to the death. The biggest battle that ever gas transpired in a soul, and I am not sure how to fight this thing.
I have faught plenty of creatures both living, and dead. I have faught with posion, and use my soul strength, or qi to win. I have no clue how to win against this snow infant on my soul. The s.p.a.ce I am in with this infant is like some sort of mental world I created I think. I barely manage to stay floating. I can control my soul, but this is not a soul battle. It's more like a test of wills if that makes sense. I ready myself, still unsure of how to hurt this creature.
This snow baby does not seem to have the same problem of not knowing what will cause pain. It remains unmoved, but the red must around it does. The red part of its mist seems to expand towards me. The red mist has expands towards me any a rapid pace. It splits into six mist diffrent mist tails that target me from diffrent directions.
I am not sure what it is, but I know that it is harmful. I no longer have time to think, and try mimicking the queen snakes aura technique. The inside of my mind has no bloodline strength, but aura may have some use. I try using my loneliness, and pain I've bottled it up so long. Tears begin to form on all three of my eyes. My watery eyes take all the negative emotions of this life, and the last life. This pain turns my whole world blue.
The nothingness in this "soul s.p.a.ce" I am calling it, is now bathed in blue light. The snow infant is now tinted blue. I guess my aura of sadness full up this world. My efforts seem in vain because the red mist is not stopped, and even apears to grow stronger.
The now baby's expression does not change, but its eyes begin to change. I guess my aura is working. The snow infant's face twitches, but remains expressionless. Tears form, and soon tear shaped hail falls from the infant's face. These tears float around the infant.
I only had a small bit of time to witness this. I have kept track of the red mist approaching me from several directions. If I learned to move in this s.p.a.ce suddenly, I would still have no where left to run. I face this rest mist as it slowly engulfs me.
I am happy to say it does not burn me, or cause damage to my soul. I wonder what it is? I know it is dangerous, but facing an unknown weapon leaves me at a disadvantage.
As it makes direct contact with my body, I watch as it slowly is absorbed into my my body. I soon feel rage. This feeling is like hemlocks anger, but it is weaker in comparison. I have experienced her pain, and have made it my own. As I have done with all the souls I have absorbed. The world of blue grows deeper in shade. The red mist seems to consume my thoughts to slaughter, but my desolation seems to cause the red mist to weaken.
I relive each life I took. The feeling is a drug like pleasure with each time, and unsatisfying at the same time. The more I kill in my mind, the greater my desire to kill becomes. I face many of the deaths I caused slowly losing myself. I feel anger, and rage, and the memories keep coming. The world of blue seems to grow stronger feeding off of the rage, and hate. In turn the sadness fuels the rage. My only advantage is sarrow seem to weaken the desire for slaughter. It's a battle of emotions.
The world of blue seems to reflect this hate against my twin. The red-eyed snow baby seems to be struggling. The tear shaped hail around it has grow in number. The snow infant is crying it's eyes out. It's eyes are full of pain, yet it's face is still unmoving. The cold energy around its body is rejecting the blue aura surrounding it to an extent, but it's resistance is waning.
I have experienced killing many creatures while under the effect of the red mist. The queen has been the strongest memory I have faceded among the creatures I have killed. she had the strongest impact on me.
After seeing the death of the queen of snakes, I feel tired. The past slaughters were draining, but this memory was diffrent. It's now that I notice the drain each kill causes me. This killing is slowly weakening me. I feel almost drunk. I am aware enough to notice this, but still not strong enough to break this illusion.
This dream where I must kill each creature whose lives I've taken is growing more real with each kill. I start to develop an insatiable hunger for slaughter, but I take no pleasure in it in the killings myself. The thrill is absorbing another soul. The slaughter is like trying to drink the oceans to satisfy hunger. I almost given into this feeling at times.
The urge to slaughter is strong, but I have no emotional attachment to those I have killed. They were all creatures. It's when the memory of the queen replays a second time, that a pink color appears around me. I remember first seeing her children. I r
thought of them only as bodies, while still inside the pregnant queen.
Then for some reason, I choose not to kill lilac. The first creature whose life I saw value. She was but a helpless creature in the snake queen's body when I first encounter her. She was only a body to me. Yet I watched her develop. I can't say I treated her well, but I favored her. This is not a feeling of love, but familial affection. This warmth grows as I remember my time spend with lilac. I could have killed her easily many times, but I did not.
It's warm, this pink color. It is a spark in a word of blue, and red mist. This spark feels like light at the end of a dark tunnel. I wake up from the rage, and the blue aura. The pink aura glows stronger, and pulses like a heart beat. The pink aura's warmth is like that of a hug.
I almost fear embraceing this feeling be causes part of me fears of losing this sensation. It's feels addictively comfortable. I could understand not wanting to stop this feeling for life. I don't feel ill will towards this pink aura growing inside of me, and decided full embrace it.
I feel this pink aura inside of me. I feel this spark growing as pleasant memories surface in my mind. This feeling is stronger than rage, and depression that formed this world of blue in my soul s.p.a.ce. As this pink aura grows stronger, the soul s.p.a.ce grows more pink, and as the blue aura is replaced. The blue aura no longer has me as it's source. It's clininging to the snow baby now.
The pink aura does not absorb the red mist, but makes it pa.s.sive. It no longer actively targets my body, and begins to retract. While at the same time, the red mist near my body no longer affects me as strongly. My avatar soul representation body, still not sure what to call my soul baby, is still suffering from the red mist. It was not purged from my body, I just no longer am actively absorbing more. My mind is clear enough focus on the pink aura complety now.
My fraternal snow twin seems fearful for the first time. It is my turn to attack. The pink aura is now being realsed from my body at full fource. I feel my desire to kill fade, but the rage is gone. My body is still bathed in a red color.
The pink color flies towards the other creature in my soul s.p.a.ce. This snow infant does not defend itself. The snow infant's expression is still without emotion. The watery eyes stopped when the blue aura faded, but the frozen tears remain. The feeling of fear I can sense from it grows stronger.
The strange purple mist around the infant remains. I don't know what it does, but I don't have time for hesitancy.The pink aura charged forward towards ths infant made of snow. There was no obstruction from the purple mist.
The pink aura is is warm, and gentle feeling. It's like fighting with kindness. As the pink aura nears the the snow infant, there is a sudden change. The snow infant's red eyes begin glow. The frozen tears form a bubble around my frozen twin. It's eyes are the only visible part of of it behind this wall of ice. The mist both red, and purple retract into this bubble. The frozen energy, what ever it is, also reinforces this bubble.
The pink aura is pushed back, but the snow infant seems trapped for now. I add to this by trying to condense the pink aura around the bubble. This is not enough though. I place a seal on the bubble as well. I have been studying my own soul seal. I do my best to place a new kind of seal. I use the pink aura to form the seal. This difficulty is shaping the pink aura into certain shapes. The task takes some time to finish, but the final product is a complex web of of pink seals.
After I finish the seal, I can sense the bubble sinking deeper into the soul s.p.a.ce out of my perception. I feel a spirtual relief of sorts, my soul feels like a weight was lifted.
I wake up. I don't have control of the situation, or that great of an understanding of what happened. I feel I can bury this on my long list of things to take care of for now.
The aftermath of seems yet to me seen. I can feel my seed baby suffering from the red mist, I also feel tired. A deep sense of tierd that comes from my soul. The rage does not fade, but subsides. I am so confused, but happy to be awake. My soul feels lighter almost as I regain consciousness.
Spiritual Seed Awakening 24 Chapte 24
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Spiritual Seed Awakening 24 Chapte 24 summary
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