Absolute Shopping Addict 29 Chapter 29

Unfortunately, the infinitely-regenerating skeletons made that plan difficult, if not impossible, to implement.

However, Jake Smithson didn't see the infinite regeneration as a curse, but rather as a blessing.

In his case, he saw it as a cash cow that he could use to pay off his debts.

But the thing is, Jake can't do much if he's swarmed by skeletons constantly reviving around him.

'This is going to be tricky,' Jake thought as he considered his options carefully. 'I'll have to balance it out – too few skeletons and the Magic Infusion won't be used optimally, too many skeletons, I'll be overwhelmed.'

The Magic Infusion isn't a one-size-fits-all solution to his problem, and he planned his attack on both its limitations and the number of skeletons he has to deal with.

The last traces of the scar on his leg courtesy of the Skeleritter was a cautionary tale for him not to overestimate himself like he did last time.

'Never let it be said that I don't learn from my defeats.'

He'd seen his fair share of people who used their credit cards w.i.l.l.y-nilly and ended up in outrageous amounts of debt: the savvy shopper has to be objective about their earnings and payments, so they can plan for their purchases accordingly.

'Buying stuff isn't just going to online stores and splurging. There's a lot of planning involved – and as my old man used to say, failing to plan is planning to fail.'

Of course, his knowledge in this regard is currently irrelevant; all his shopping savvy and insight has little to do with dealing with a bunch of Skeletons.

'Still, though. If I didn't have the Awakening Store backing me up, I would have died from the very first goblin I ran into,' Jake thought. 'Yeah, I've managed to make it in this world, all thanks to shopping!'

And, of course, he was now here and about to execute another one of his outlandish plans, thanks to his shopping habit.

'Time to wipe my debt slate clean, so I can go back to shopping again!'

His thoughts were interrupted when a familiar clattering of teeth met him.

"Where's your head honcho?" Jake asked as a group of skeletons showed up. "He had cold feet or something?"

Given that the Skeleritter led the army, it would naturally show up eventually, but not now.

Jake sounded annoyed, but his confident smirk was still there: this was going just as he expected. He wasn't banking on the Skeleritter appearing right now; the fight against it had to be at the right place.

'Okay, step one of the plan is working.'

This was also the reason he took microphone and amplifier with him.

And with both in hand, he backed up a bit, and shouted into the mic.

"Oh no, what am I going to do against an army of these monsters! Help me! Is anyone there?"

The amplifier and microphone Jake carried wasn't just for singing – it had an effect of drawing the aggression of monsters nearby, as they all react with hostility to any sound coming from the amplifier.

Jake backed up into the immediate outskirts of Brino, just beyond the destroyed wall, with a lot of skeletons in tow.

He wasn't finished, and the more he cried out into the microphone, the more skeletons followed him; it was a macabre sight, with Jake as a Pied Piper.

'They're far enough – just as planned. Now, time for the next step!'

"Stick around and chill!" Jake yelled just after he used his Haste skill, circling around the skeletons he gathered, and hauling a.s.s towards the town square of Brino.

There was a frustrated clattering in the wake of Jake's sudden move, but he didn't care – the next step of the plan was now in play.

***

As far as crazy plans went, this wasn't the craziest one of all.

Because as soon as Jake called the gathered skeletons a bunch of suckers, the patrol routes and general patterns of the skeletons within Brino did not exist anymore – significant amount of them were out of the village and wandering aimlessly, now that they were out of their leader's influence.

For the skeletons who were not baited into going out of Brino, Jake and his amplifier-enhanced taunts were enough to smash their organization into pieces; now, they were just moving this way and that.

And in their aimless wandering, someone just walked right into their midst and called their attention.

"Surprise, motherf.u.c.kers!"

Jake showed up in the front gate of Brino after diverting nearly all the other skeletons away, walking in after spouting a famous one-liner.

Because the village was relatively empty of skeletons, he was able to keep a leisurely pace as he walked in.

'First things first: check up on my stuff.'

Five minutes into his walk, he found himself in the town square, where his living quarters – and most importantly, where he stashed most of his items – were.

'I am so glad to finally be back home.'

He took excited and trepidatious steps to the area where the awakeners' tents were located; as he did, he found himself thinking that he knew how a husband returning from a long business trip to his house and his beloved wife felt like.

One set of doors flung aside later, he had arrived at his destination, expecting to be fondly reunited with the items he'd spent an inordinate amount of points on…

"I'm home!"
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He opened his eyes.

And the sight that unfolded before him opened up a hole in his stomach, where his heart fell through.

He could only scream.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Skeleritter was making itself at home on Jake's bed and couch, and apparently, the luxury was too much for the monster – Jake had already screamed his throat raw at the sight of his precious bed and sofa in tatters – that it took its sweet time standing up and turning towards the source of the scream.

He was on the move before the monster could even react.

"You son of a b.i.t.c.h!"

Jake's entire being was suffused with righteous vengeance and furious anger as he screamed at the giant skeleton.

"That's a f.u.c.king latex mattress you just f.u.c.ked with!"

A few moments later, a loud crash resounded throughout Brino and its outskirts.

***

Some distance away, the awakeners heard the last bit of that scream.

"That voice… it's coming from Brino, right?"

"I guess so…"

"Jake returned?"

"He did, but all by himself?"

"I'm sure he's alone. He always does things by himself."

The awakeners' chatter revolved around the voice that they suddenly heard resonating in the meadow surrounding the town of Brino – they may have abandoned the town, but most of them had taken up spots close by, in case they had a chance to take the town back.

And when they heard Jake's voice resonating, it was a sign.

"What the h.e.l.l? We're several hours' walk from Brino – how is his screaming reaching us? Is that some sort of crazy item he's holding?" an awakener asked.

"It's like you haven't seen Jake's antics yourself," another replied, and the band of awakeners nodded their heads in a.s.sent.

Despite its portability, the amplifier packed a lot of power, and now other awakeners were able to hear him.

Heck, back then, he was too busy singing on his new microphone and amplifier that he didn't even consider figuring out how to power the thing.

Meanwhile, the other awakeners in the outskirts of Brino were still figuring it out.

"How'd he get an item that ridiculous?"

"You think he's taking on the boss on his own?"

"Yeah, and he's going to need our help! It's our town and we're going to take it back for everyone."

It wasn't several days since Brino fell, but the awakeners evacuating it looked miserable, existence on the run not allowing them to rest properly.

However, when they heard something like a kick right after Jake's trash talk, hope entered their hearts and gave their weary bodies a second wind.

"Let's go there and give it a look-see – if we can't help, let's just scout it. Come on!"

"Yeah!" the awakeners gathered raised their weapons and prepared to move out posthaste.

It was an unspoken agreement between all the awakeners that Brino had to be taken back. Even those awakeners with petty grievances against one another put those issues on hold, because there was now a chance that they'd get their town back.

Sure, they might be outcla.s.sed, but they now had a fighting chance.

And as groups of awakeners strapped on their armor and readied their weapons en route back to Brino, they found themselves reuniting with other groups of awakeners that had also abandoned the town when the Skeleritter and its army attacked.

***

Meanwhile, while all this was going on, Jake had to take a moment to say a prayer for the loss of his beloved bed and couch.

He put his hand on his chest and closed his eyes, and when he opened them up, they were misty.

"What a horrible way to go," he muttered. "At the very least… you will be avenged."

He could mourn the rest of them later, worry about the debt later, think about the suffering of such a high quality piece of furniture later.

Avenge them first.

And, of course, get the debt paid.

Once the dust subsided, the town square came back into view: a vengeful Jake holding his weapon, and the Skeleritter, surprised but ready to fight.

When it landed, the other skeletons' eyes sharpened, and were immediately at the ready to follow the beck and call of their master, because Jake didn't drive all of the skeletons out.

Just a lot of them – he left enough of them behind.

'I'm going to make you pay!

All of you!'

Still high on righteous fury, Jake extended his hand, and before the skeletons could rally themselves, activated the Griefen and targeted the boss monster.

Jake's armor began to unravel into chains, the links transforming into lengths, which then surrounding the monster before circling around and tightening their hold on it, leaving the Skeleritter bound… and helpless.

When the Griefen finished its work, he could feel the monster strain against the bonds, but to no avail.

'Yeah, this is just enough for me to work with.'

The other skeletons clattered their teeth at him as Jake withdrew his weapon, a grim smile on his face.

'Time to get down to business.'

The first skeleton was dismembered by a single sword swing, taking out most of its joints in one blow.

[2000 points earned. ]

Jake saw the notification in the corner of his eye, turned towards the rest of the skeletons and rushed at them.

'Operation Skeleton Farming is now a go.'

***

The objectives of Jake's plan was twofold: first, earn enough points to pay off his debt. The second was to take back Brino.

He first made this happen by luring a majority of the skeletons out of Brino and into the outskirts where they were free from the Skeleritter's influence.

Though he could get more points with more skeletons, he had to get their numbers down to something he could manage easily – a few skeletons that he could kill every time their master revived them.

"This is like taking candy from a baby," Jake mused as he cut down two with one stroke. "What's wrong? Taking your time to put yourselves back together, huh?"

Jake was slowly but surely gathering points, just as he planned.

The Skeleritter roared at him, but could otherwise do nothing, as it could not even move the bindings around it.

"Shut up, you'll get your turn," Jake said as he moved one of the chains and had it wrap around the monster's mouth. "We'll fight when I say we'll fight. So get a number and fall in line."

The skeletons fighting at their leader's bidding were struck down again and again, as every time they rea.s.sembled due to their leader's power, Jake just swung his sword and scattered them all over the town square.

Their furious clatters turned from confusion, to fear, and finally to terror as they realized what was going on.

Jake didn't mind.

Because within his head, each skeleton clattering to the floor had the sound of a cash register opening.

'Now this is the sound of pay dirt!

No… more than that… it's the sound of my debt disappearing!

This is how you pay off debts in style!'

Jake was stacking up points at an unprecedented pace: ever since he came to Nohas, has he ever collected points nonstop just like this?

He cuts down a skeleton, and around thirty seconds later, it rea.s.sembles itself, only to be cut down again.

Rinse and repeat.

It was like sticking your tongue at a chocolate fountain. You just had to take out your tongue and the chocolate would pour down into your mouth.

'Unbelievable, 2000 points per skeleton? No wonder I'm getting a lot of points really fast.

If my math is correct, I'll need just above a hundred skeletons to get enough points for my debt to be paid.'

Even if they say it may take hours for me to take out more than a hundred skeletons… that would be a lie.

Jake's sword swings were enough to scatter two or three skeletons at once.

Sure, the Skeleritter is strong, but its minions are nothing but flies to be swatted away for Jake.

Add the fact that they take seconds to rea.s.semble themselves after being killed, and before Jake knew it, enough time had already pa.s.sed.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jake took a glimpse at his point total, and smiled evilly.

[Points: 210,000]

"I'm back, baby," he declared to the monsters.