Drown 25 #24

When i closed the door behind me and  fell on my knees. I cried.

Though  trying my best to control my sobs, because i don't want hin to hear it, it will only make me even more foolish in his eyes.

I hug my knees tightly and bow down my head. Took a deep breath, enhaled and exhaled routine is on repeat.

Is this stuffy feeling because of my asthma? or the pain he is causing me?

fck you, Audelia. You're going back to one again.

Just one call and you're whipped? Is this how a real woman act?

I sighed, i decided to stand up but to no vague, i just fell on the ground that created a loud thud.

Setting aside the pain because my stupidity is more greater than it.

'Why didn't i refuse?!' This is fvck*ng stupid. I thought i was here to end everything?! so why am i coming back?!

'Audelia Roan! wake the fck up!'

I guess I'm too caught up now, no matter how much i scold and shout at my self. It's still the same.

Fckn idiot indeed.

Oh G.o.d, why am i like this?

I can't take this anymore, I loudly cried, i stopped stopping everything that is holding me back. Because everything is painful, every breath i take, every sobs and and every move. All of it is hurting me.

What the fck is the reason and why can't i be love?! Why am i the one who always give? Am i that unworthy? am i not lovable enough? I'm too drained, too wasted yet i don't get tired of giving all of me.

The thoughts in my head only makes it worst.

Over thinking is really the way to kills oneself indeed.

Someone, stop this pain. I cannot take it, Someone please, help me.

I laid on the floor, not minding the dirt or it's coldness.

I'm too tired and too hurt to think about that.

It was then when the ring in my finger  glimmered despite the darkness.

My mind went blank, and tears started to fall quietly, it was one of those things he gave me.

One of the things i treasured the most, it's beautiful, it's such a gem yet the woman who's wearing it is nothing but a trash.

I smile with pain in my heart with that thoughts.

I really wanted to laugh right now, i want to laugh my heart out because my life is such a joke.

From family, to all  individuals that surrounds, to my dreams and to the man i love but doesn't love me.

It's all a joke.

I was nearly crawling on the floor when a pair of strong arms envelop me. I know this feeling, this heat.... and i felt my heart beat rapidly.

I bit my lip. "Wyett" he said.

My quite tears turn into sob, and the sobs turn into hysterics.

This pain...this pain is making me crazy.

"Wy--''

I shook my head, repeatedly shaking my head. "Don't. Don't call me that!"

I'm hysterical but who the f.u.c.k who wouldn't?! I push his hand off me.

"Let go!" i shouted.

"No" He stubbornly stated.

"I said, Let go. Let me f.u.c.king go Zach!!"

"You'll leave me!" and then cursed .

What's there to panic?! in what reason?!

We're both out of our mind, one is begging to be let go because she's too fed up and one is begging to stay because he has nothing left anymore!

"Tell me! f.u.c.kn tell why can't i go?! why should i stay just because you f.u.c.k*ng begged?!  When i pleaded! when i f.u.c.kn cried and crawl you didn't stay! so tell me, who gave you the privilege to demand?!  I love you so much but you hurted me a lot!" I pushed his chest so hard but he's way stronger so i punched him, slapped him and kept punching, pinching,  scratching his arms yet he didn't budge, he just stand there, holding my body tightly.

That gave me so much frustration.

"Wyett" He called my name again when i calmed down a bit.

"I said don't call me that! i hate it! i hate that name!!" I angrily spat.

"Everytime you calls me by that name, you're breaking me! call me Audelia! like anyone else! i let you called me Wyett because i don't wanna be compared ! i set aside my name because it reminds you of her!!"

"And you!--"

I stopped, and harshly wipe away my tears.

"Every d.a.m.n times you calls me! you remind me for being such unworthy b*tch whom you can never love!"

I tried my best to look at him in the eye despite the emptiness and exhaustion i am feeling.

"I was okay with that the right? i was okay and i can swallow whatever you give me so you continued" He didn't spoke, not a word came out from his mouth, good. Because im not done yet.

I chuckled bitterly.

"It's true, admit it. You knew it's  okay for me to wait because  i love you, it's okay not to hear those words from you because you know i can wait. That it's okay  not to return your feelings because you'ree not ready and i was fine with everything you can give me, and you knew  i was happy and contented with our relations.h.i.+p i gambled. So why! I never demanded! i never forced you at all! so why did you left?! YOU KNEW THAT IM SO F*CKING TIRED BUT I STILL CHOSE TO LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!I NEVER COMPLAINED, I WAITED PATIENTLY!"....

I choked my sob.. "So why despite all my efforts, you couldn't love this woman in front of you, huh?" 

I expect him to answer, he's never the coward..He's never the person who likes to lose on an argument... yet now, he just shook his head.

What? he's denying it? But that's the truth! that's our reality! he doesn't love me because he has someone in his heart!

How many times do we have to shame and fool ourselves with lies?

"I couldn't understand how could you drop me like a hot potato when she just gave you a glimpse  of herself. Not being able to love me is  not enough  reason! Because we were happy! Your heart is safe, i thought you are f.u.c.k*ng contented with me. You gave me your affection, your time, you cared for me! and i thought that was love! I was blinded by my own feelings that i didn't recognize yours. It hurts knowing by just a moment with her you can forget easily the years we shared, that you can turn your back to the woman who devoted her life to you! I invested so much, i did everything and gave everything that i have and you gave nothing but pain in return!"

My words sent daggers.

I kept punching him but the more i get hysteric the more he tightened his arms around me.

"What, tell me!? now that she left you again, you want to comeback?!" i painfully asked.

"And here i am, being stupid once again, accepting you open arms 'cause i love you? is that enough for me? i guess not" I smiled bitterly.

"Let go, let go of me. Let me be because for the first time i had the courage to do this. I'm so done being a subt.i.tute! I'm so done being your option. So please  release me from your chain before i lose it again."

I look at his embrace. This once gave me comfort but right now it chains my neck that i hate the feeling of it.

I know, i don't deserve this affection because it is not mine to begin with. I was selfish to own it in the past and i end up getting hurt.

I realize that when it's not yours, do not own it. You'll just gonna hurt yourself...

"Please" I beg.

"I can't" he finally spoke and his voice broke.

"Wyett, i can't let you go...."

I smiled..

"You c--" he cut me off.

"Baby, i love you so bad"

The next thing i knew, i found myself getting lifted and we were on his bedroom once again.

I kept on processing what he just said.

I know what i heard, i know it was for me but i never expected that his confession will going to be this painful.

The tears kept falling but i chuckled.

How ironic, I feel nothing at all, was it because i waited long enough to not feel it sincerity? or was it because im too broken to be fix by it?.

"Wyett, I am f.u.c.king in love with you. I'm sorry for hurting you my love, I'm sorry for all the pain i caused. Forgive me but i cannot let you go. If you're done fighting then let me do it. It's my turn to fight for us. I'm gonna fight and I'm sorry but i won't let you leave me" With determination he said that.

His words were piercing through my soul.

I couldn't find my voice, i didn't  manage to talk back. The only thing i knew while i was being silent was the tears that keep on falling from my eyes.

I was so ready to let go, so ready.

But the moment he lay my body on his bed and felt his lips onto mine. I lost whatever rational reason i was thinking.

"I love you, Wyett Audelia Roan. I am f.u.c.king in love with you"  and once again, he kissed me.