Paranoia : Split Self 10 Grief 2

I looked up "Sui." I looked at her for a moment before I threw my vision down to the group of people who is eating snacks, smoking, talking with each other, big smile is plastered on their face, joking until tears come out from their eyes, cooking some soto, it doesn't even seems like they are grieving at all.

in the deeper part of the room there is a coffin, left open, well not left open since there is a layer of white cloth with a cross symbol on it. I haven't gotten a good look at it but I am sure grandpa is there.

Sui then chopped her hand at my head again before sighing "Huh… just why are you so stupid, no that's not right since you don't know, so you are dumb. Michael, I have already said this don't overthink things just go with it." she rubbed my head again before continuing "Didn't you think of it earlier, they are maybe just good at hiding their feelings."

"Then could you call me, Darling." I asked out of nowhere even I don't know why.

"Alright you are both dumb and stupid but you are intellectually smart, yeah, yeah, Alright!" She said throwing her hands up before leaning her head down to my ears and said "Dar~ling~" she said whispering into my eyes.

Just as I am indulging in pleasantness, she hit my head again "You yourself is playing around here."

"But I don't know him well, to me he is more like an acquaintance I just know but they, they live with him, he is their father, they grow up with him and I don't." I said whispering.

Before Sui answered to me, my mom come by walking to me dragging me to deeper into the room pa.s.sing by the smokers, the conversation, the lovers , and so while pa.s.sing by she said to me "Michael, why are you just standing there, hurry up and greet your Aunt from Hong-Kong."

I complied slightly smiling, I bowed slightly and pressed her hand against her hand before letting it go, then she talk about how big I have become and how small I was once when I visited as a kid but I don't remember it and Sui said there is that memory but it's vague.

Continuously I smiled and greeted any family member that I know and don't know. When I reached the last row of chairs before the coffin, the last row of chair that is where my brother, sister, and mom sat on, my mom urged me to pray before grandpa's coffin before looking at him for a while.

I complied again. In front of the coffin I closed my eyes and clasped my hands together, in that prayer I asked, 'Is this what you imagine how people will react to your death? Are you satisfied with this lively atmosphere?' even though I don't know whenever he really can hear me or not I don't really care but I end it with 'May you rest in peace.'

I went over looking at his deathly pale face, suits that he wears, the white gloves he wore, the peacefulness he gave off. Honestly when I read novels that described this kind of thing or movie that have this kind of thing, I never felt any fear but this time I felt fear not because of the corpse but because of a thought 'is this what I would become soon.'

Before I continued down in that thought, I felt a warmness from behind me, even without turning my back, I know who it is, it's Sui. In the past month it's always like that she is always there for me since I already know that I am somehow pessimistic about weird things yet very optimistic at another weird things. She scolded me when I became too optimistic, she consoled me when I became too pessimistic.

Indeed, she would be a perfect girlfriend for me, I don't know and don't care what 'normal' people ideal girlfriend is although I usually concerned my self with it. Wanting to know what is that 'normalcy' because I want to be one and at the other hand there is a conflicting thought that I want to special past that 'normalcy'.

I closed my eyes again before offering my prayer that is full of good thoughts. I opened my eyes and turned around looking at Sui, 'perhaps, no. Sui, you are the manifestation of my desire to be special and you are pus.h.i.+ng me to it.'

With a light smile I embrace that lively atmosphere and as Sui remind me earlier 'These people maybe is just hiding their feelings.' Upon seeing other kids playing with their phones I complained to my mother as if it were a normal occasion.

I took some delicious treats by a slightly bigger amount. I wore my headset again while reading novels so that I can speak with Sui.

Even so after half an hour I felt that sense of wrongness again so I went to the toilet after asking for the location.

After I locked the door behind me, I took a p.i.s.s but since I am not actually going to p.i.s.s, it took a long time for it to come out.

"Sui, Human is a social creature right, a being with a high level of empathy right, - "I asked Sui but as I was about to continue Sui stopped me and asked back.

"Are Anime Real? They don't exist in this world right." Sui asked standing in front of me as my p.i.s.s goes trough her, of course reading my thought she hit my head before floating higher.

Even so I retorted as if the question was asked just mili-seconds ago "But they felt real, they felt so alive, they influence, changed, many, many lives even more than what I could perhaps do! They-" just as I was about to continue just like before Sui cut me off.

"The fact is Anime doesn't exist in this world, no matter how many waifus there are, figurines, poster or people whose life is changed by them, the fact is still that Anime doesn't exist in this world, right." Sui said while patting my head smilingly.

Deep down, no not just deep down, I already know what she said is true but I just don't want to accept it just like how I don't want to accept that by loving Sui that would mean I love myself which is a little creepy and narcissist thought.

Once again, she read my thought and squeezed my head hard once before she goes back to patting it still smiling. "Just like the case with Anime, so is the case with Human being emphatic, there is many but, but, but ,and but." Sui then hugged me again before continuing "That's why even thought human brain maybe more advance compared to the most advance super computer they have built, human still lose, there is too many but with vague conditions attached to it."