Her. Part 28

At that moment, Alison came through the front door and called out to me. With the knife in hand I ran to the living room, to the front door, and Jack met me there. Alison stood at the door, seeing the knife in my hand. Jack didn't say a word, nor did he hesitate. He ran past me and pushed Alison out of his way, and then rushed out of the front door. Alison called out to her daddy and ran out after him. I followed her and grabbed her when we got outside so that she wouldn't try to run too far after him. Jack ran down the street and then disappeared around the corner.

Alison s.n.a.t.c.hed away from me angrily. She looked up at me, afraid.

"Why did Daddy run away? Why do you have a knife in your hand? Kristen, I'm scared." She was only eight years old, but she'd known that something was wrong.

"Alison, everything is okay," I told her. "Right now I need you to be a big girl for me."

"But Kristen," she whined.

"Please, Alison," I pleaded. "I need you to go into your room and close the door. You know our favorite movie?"

"Yes," she said. "Peter Pan."

"That's right," I said. "Peter Pan, because you've got a crush on Peter, don't you?"

I was trying to distract her and make her forget about what had just happened. I forced a convincing smile.

She giggled and nodded. "Peter's cute, and he can fly."

"Yes, he sure can! Tinkerbelle, too!"

Her innocent eyes began to sparkle, and she laughed. I knew that she was starting to become distracted. Her mind was on Peter Pan. She wasn't worried about what had been going on. We walked back into the house and I moved her along towards her bedroom. As we walked by, I sat the knife down on an occasional table in the living room. I shoved Alison along so that she wouldn't notice as we pa.s.sed by.

She said, "I love Tinkerbelle."

"Me too," I told her. "So, I need you to go into your room and close your door. Like a big girl, I want you to put your Peter Pan movie in the DVD player, like I showed you before. You remember?"

She nodded with the same smile on her face.

"Okay. That's my big girl. Can you go do that for me, right now?"

"I sure can," she said as we went back into the house. "Are you and Nick going to watch Peter Pan with me?"

"Why don't you go ahead and get it started? I will go check on Nick. Remember, he's sick. Stay in your room while I check on him. Don't come out until I come in there to watch the movie with you."

"Kristen, what if I have to go pee?"

"If you have to go pee, just yell out the door first," I told her.

She looked up at me dubiously and tilted her head.

"Go ahead!" I forced while tickling her.

She laughed and struggled to get me to stop tickling her. I kept tickling until I saw that she was amused and not suspicious anymore. She then dropped her book bag on the floor and wiggled away from me, still laughing.

I let her go. As she ran down the hallway that led to the bedrooms, I said, "And don't bother Nick, because he's not feeling well."

"Okay," she said. She ran off to her room without stopping, and she shut her door just as had I asked her to.

When I heard Alison's bedroom door shut, I shuddered. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Mom? Where are you? I wondered.

I looked out the window to see if, by chance, Mom was pulling in. There was no sign of her. She had said that she was right around the corner. She must have just been leaving her job.

I quickly grabbed the knife off the table and put it back in the kitchen sink. I knew that I had to go to Nick, even if Mom wasn't here. He could still be alive. He could probably be saved. Maybe it wasn't too late.

I was afraid to go in there. I didn't want to see my little brother dead. I didn't want to see him naked and hurt. I slowly approached his bedroom door. Earlier, Jack had shut the door, which made it even harder for me. I slowly turned the k.n.o.b and pushed the door open.

To my surprise, Nick was on the floor. He was not on the bed with his face down in the pillow anymore. He was lying on the cold, hardwood floor, wrapped in his blanket. He was whimpering softly with sticky tears and drying mucus on his face. He had probably been crying so hard and for so long that he didn't have enough strength to cry anymore. He was just whimpering, looking weak and sick.

I knelt down on the floor beside him, and I smelled Jack's overbearing scent on him. No wonder Jack had made him take showers with him before Mom got home.

I placed my hand on Nicholas' forehead. He was burning up. I wrapped him tighter in the blanket, in the hopes that he would sweat the fever out. I felt him s.h.i.+vering violently under the blanket.

"Kristen?" he cried out. "I don't feel so well."

I felt a chunk rise in my throat, but I swallowed it back down. "I know, Nickyroo," I said. "I know, baby. Just lie here in my arms."

His large brown eyes looked up at me, pleading. "Did you see Daddy?"

"I'm sorry, baby," I said. It felt like tears were going to fall, but they didn't. There was only hate and anger. But I held onto Nick and looked into his eyes. "He is never going to hurt you again. I won't let him, ever again."

Nick closed his eyes and let his head fall back into my arms. I held him like he was a little baby.

"I'm sorry, Kristen," he said.

"No, baby, no. It's not your fault. It's that monster's fault. Jack is a monster. He hurt you, and now he's going to go where bad people go when they hurt people. You understand?"

Nick tried to nod. That's when Mom ran into the bedroom and, before she could ask what was going on, she saw with her own eyes. I didn't say a word, and everything that she had already suspected, and possibly had already known in the back of her mind, was finally exposed.

Mom shook her head in what seemed like disbelief. It didn't take long for her tears to start falling. She called out to Nick, and he looked over at her. Alison must have heard Mom come through the door, because she came out of her room, ran over to Mom, and hugged her. Mom was still crying and staring at Nick.

I acted quickly and went over to Alison. I took her hand and led her back to her bedroom while Mom tended to Nick. Alison whined that she wanted to see Mom, but I told her that Mom needed to give Nick his medicine, and that she needed to stay in her room until she was told to come out. I sat with her and watched one scene of Peter Pan with her until she felt she'd had enough attention, and I could then leave without a fuss. All the while, it hurt me inside to have to be strong and not cry. The anger was overwhelming me. I wanted to confront Mom with what I had seen.

When I went back into Nick's room, Mom was helping Nick to the bathroom to get him cleaned up and dressed.

"Where is he?" she asked me.

"He ran away," I said. "He ran down the street and around the corner."

"Well, he couldn't have gone far," she said.

"He may have gone to John's house," I added.

"Call Jonathan and Mariah for me," Mom demanded.

I shook my head. "We need to call the police."

"Kristen! Do as I say! Call John's parents right now, and tell them to get over here!"

When John's parents, Jonathan Sr. and Mariah, arrived, they all went into the living room to sit down and talk. John and his little brother, James, were here as well. Nick sat down next to Mom and leaned on her shoulder. Mom wanted to ask that James be excused, but Nick insisted that James needed to stay.

When Mariah asked him why, James admitted that Jack had tried to get him to take a shower with him once when he'd stayed over to play with Nick. James had said no, and Jack hadn't pressed him any more about it. James and John had been very upset then, and now Mariah looked like she was going to cry.

Mom then told them that, according to Nick, Jack had been molesting him, too, and she didn't know how long it had been going on, or that it had even been going on. It was then that they all decided to call the police. I opened my mouth to say what I had seen. I wanted to tell Jonathan and Mariah everything, since it was now all out in the open. I felt that I owed it to Nick because I hadn't stopped Jack. I wanted to tell the police too, if it would help.

I began, "When the police get here, I can tell them what-"

Mom immediately shot me down with her cold eyes. She didn't say a word, and it made me shut my mouth.

Jonathan Sr. looked at Mom, and then at me.

"What is it, Kristen? Go on, say it," Jonathan encouraged.

Mom stood up and grabbed my arm. She yanked me off the couch where I was sitting next to her and Nick.

She said, "No. Kristen, go and check on your sister. We can finish up here with Nick. The police will be here soon. I will need you to stay with Alison."

"It seemed like she had something to say," Jonathan pressed.

My mother shoved me off and, when she thought that I was out of earshot, she said to them, "I'm sorry. I don't think it's a good idea to have Kristen around while we do this. She tends to get a bit over-dramatic about things, and she doesn't really know anything about what's going on. It's best to keep her out of this, for her and Alison's sake."

Dr. Pelchat sat back in his chair with a changed expression. At first, he had been calm and seemed emotionally detached to the conversation, but as Mom spoke and told him everything, he seemed to grow concerned.

"Why would you do that?" he asked my mother. "Kristen had seen everything that had happened to her little brother, and you would not give her a chance to speak about it?"

"I was thinking of my son at the time. Everyone was already upset. We didn't need Kristen making things worse and getting us even more upset. She can be a little over-dramatic at times. It's true. Just look at us, sitting here in this place. And she's the cause of it. It's always been this way with her. So, I didn't know what else to do but just send her away."

"Mom, no!" I cried. "It's my entire fault. It's my fault."

"No, Kristen. It isn't your fault," I heard Dr. Pelchat say. "None of it is your fault. You had every right to speak about what you saw."

Dr. Pelchat seemed to make sense, but my head was a stuffed-up mess. I put my face in my hands and cried until I was sure blood was going to gush out. The pain in my chest from the metal ball shot up and down as I gasped for air.

My head was full of the cries of pain, and the cries of betrayal of trust.

"How could you? How could you hurt us, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d?" My mother screamed to Jack as the police shoved him, handcuffed at the wrists and feet, into the patrol car.

I silently watched from the living room window. Jonathan Sr. and Mariah stood beside Mom and Nick as the police prepared to take them down to the station to make their statements. Jonathan Sr., Jack's brother, watched in silent anger. I guessed he didn't have anything to say to Jack, or he was too angry to speak.

John was still at school, and I was glad that he hadn't been here to see all of this happening. I would not have been able to face him.

My whole body felt like pudding when, for the first time in my life, I ever saw a man cry. Jack pressed his forehead to the gla.s.s window of the squad car, and I saw tears falling from his face. I felt like I was going to break too, but I didn't. I thought that it would feel good to see Jack arrested and punished, but my heart didn't let me rejoice, nor did it let me cry.

While Mom and Nick were with the police, I had to stay home with Alison. I wanted to go with Nick. Mom insisted that it was unnecessary for me to go. She told me to watch over Alison while they were gone, and to keep her calm. Alison didn't know what was going on. She never know the truth because we weren't allowed to tell her. All she knew was that her father had done something bad enough to get him in jail, and that one day he was going to get out, and she would be able to see him again.

Alison asked Mom why her dad was not coming home for a long time.

Mom said, "Daddy did a bad thing. When people do bad things, they are sent to jail. Like, when you misbehave, I make you go to your room for a while. Well, Daddy has to go, sit, and think about what he did. And when his punishment is over, you will be able to see him again."

"No! I never want to see him again. I will kill myself if I ever have to see him again," I told Mom, right in front of Alison.

Mom snapped, "Kristen!"

Alison didn't understand what I said. She didn't really hear me, either, because she didn't look shocked or scared, like I expected. She was still staring up at Mom and waiting for her to finish explaining.

Instead of responding to me, Mom kissed Alison goodbye and told me to keep an eye on her, and she and Nick left with the police. Alison cried in my arms. She cried because the man that she loved and never thought would ever leave her was gone. I felt the same way. But it wasn't Jack I was crying for. It was my Daddy. I already cried for Jack. To see Jack put away did not made me cry.

When the commotion finished, and it was only Alison and me, I sat with her in her bedroom until she fell asleep, crying in my arms. I laid her down on her bed and kissed her cheek. She looked distressed in her sleep, with dry and sticky tears staining her face. Alison and Nick were too young for all of it.

I left Alison alone in her room. When I went into the hallway and shut the door behind me, I felt a sudden cold draft. It was the demons. The walls, the paint, and the floor that creaked beneath my feet were the demons. They held everything. I had to walk past Nick's room to get to the bathroom. Why did it feel like one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do?

I tried to run past the room without looking in. But, when I darted past, I couldn't help but turn my head toward the open doorway. I saw the blanket Nick had been wrapped in on the floor, and I saw Jack's underwear on Nick's bed. I went into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me.

My neck itched badly, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes, and all I saw was Nick being smothered, his naked body, and the monster devouring him. I then opened my eyes, afraid to close them ever again. I tried to tell myself to keep it together. I didn't want to call for Mr. Sharp. Instead, I had to make myself breathe. I had to kill the itch.

I sat on the floor in front of the toilet, and tried to push the tears out. The tears didn't come out. Instead, a burst of emotion bubbled up in laughter. I started laughing hysterically and I couldn't stop. I beat my chest, confused, angry, and laughing. My head screamed at me to stop, but I couldn't obey it. I had no control over this sudden outpour of emotion. It felt like someone else was inside of me. I could only sit here and let them control me, as if I were a puppet.

My stomach then tightened and cramped in pain as I laughed uncontrollably. I felt my chest grow warm, unable to laugh anymore. I hovered over the toilet and set my mouth free from the puppet strings. I began to throw up the tears that I could not squeeze out of my eyes. No more laughing. No crying. I stayed over the toilet, throwing up everything that came up. When there was nothing else to vomit, I heaved in pain. It hurt, but I had experienced pain much worse than that. When I couldn't retch anymore, I lay on the floor with my head pressed to the cold tile. I slowly took deep breaths and tried not to see Nick's face. I tried not to see Jack. I tried not to think about the experience of seeing the worst thing I had ever seen. It couldn't be unseen. I knew this, and it frightened me.

It seemed like hours before Mom and Nick came home. I was still in the bathroom, but I had fallen asleep and didn't hear them come through the door. Mom must have been home for a while before she found me in the bathroom on the floor. When she came into the bathroom, Nick followed behind her in his pajamas. When she opened the door, I sat up immediately, startled and confused.

Mom pushed Nick away and told him to go to sleep in the room with Alison and not to look in the bathroom. Nick, naturally curious, called out to me. He must have seen me on the floor. Mom then came into the bathroom with me and shut the door, after shooing him away.

I felt dazed. It was almost like a dream. Mom stood over me with her hands on her hips. She stared down at me with a disappointed look on her face. I covered my face with my hands. I was hoping that it was all a nightmare, but seeing Mom standing there with her face hard and angry, I knew it wasn't. Everything I'd seen was real. Everything Nick had just been through was real. The monster was gone, but our family was now broken. In realizing this, I began to feel dizzy again. I placed my head back down on the floor.

"Get up, right now," Mom demanded.

I shook my head and rolled onto my side. I didn't ever want to move from that cold, tile floor.

"Do you just want to lie there and die?" she screamed.

I didn't answer, and this made her even more irritated.

"Get the h.e.l.l up, Kristen!"

She bent over me and grabbed my arm tightly. I groaned in pain. She yanked me up off the floor and threw me against the wall. I hit my head, hard. She was angry, and I knew what was coming next. Mom pointed her finger at my face. Her face was so close to mine that I could almost taste the two-to-eight cups of coffee that she must have drank at the hospital while she'd talked to the police, and while the doctors had examined Nick.

"Before this depression c.r.a.p even starts, I'm going to tell you right now that I will not stand for it. You will not put me through this kind of h.e.l.l while we go through this. After everything that we have been through today and before everything that we are about to go through, I want to get this one thing straight with you: You are not allowed to break down like this. I need you to be strong. We need you to be strong. While I am going to have to go to that courthouse with Nick and get through this divorce and conviction, I need you to look out for Alison. And the only way you can do that is if you have it together. If you can't stand up and get your act together, Kristen, then I don't know what to do with you. You are not a child. The attention cannot be on you right now. You have to be my equal and help me through this."

She stared at me for a response, but I didn't make a sound. In frustration and anger, a reflex must have triggered. She raised her hand and slapped me hard across my face.

"Is this the only way to get through to you? Is this how I get a response from you?"

I held onto my face in pain, and I stared up at her, shocked. The blow had come unexpectedly. This made a single tear come out of my eye. She took a step back from me and shook her head.

"Mom," I cried. "Why?"

She said, "I don't know what came over me, Kristen. I don't want it to be this way. I just need you to understand that we have to stick together now. We have to start a whole new life. It's a whole new beginning." She paused. "Listen, Jack is gone. He's gone now. I know that he hurt us as a family, not just Nicholas."