Her. Part 4

It was a forced, play date thing at first. For about the first year or so, Lexus pretended that she didn't know me at school, but she was nice to me when our parents were around. I didn't care. We didn't have anything in common. She was too boy-crazy, and I was too tomboyish.

When Lexus' dad got promoted to team leader and her family moved uptown, our families still remained close, but Lexus started to warm up to me after we didn't go to the same school anymore. She started private school. She said she hated going to private school, and that some kids were mean to her. I told her I knew how that felt. She said that she was sorry for being mean to me in school, and from then on, we were best friends.

"Who's who?" I asked Lexus, as I walked back into my room with two sodas.

"Mr. Sharp," she said.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked her.

She held out a sheet of paper. "I read it in one of your notebooks. See?" Lexus held out my notebook. I had often written poetry and stories in it.

She continued, "It says, 'crimson seeps out of wounds as Mr. Sharp can remind me again of my doom.' Ha! Ha! That rhymes. Is this one of your poems that you wrote? What is this?"

I s.n.a.t.c.hed my notebook from her and gave her the soda that I had brought for her. I ripped the poem out of the notebook and into pieces of confetti.

"It's nothing," I said. "It's just mumble-jumble that doesn't mean anything. It's stupid."

She looked at me with concern. I smiled at her and shoved her shoulder as she went to take a drink. When the soda splashed on her and she laughed, I knew she had let it go. I was off the hook.

"Do you miss our old school?" I asked Lexus.

"Yeah, a little," she said. "I'm going to be in high school next year. Dad said I don't have to go to private school anymore, since it was too hard. I'm glad about that. Besides, I want to be on the cheerleading squad. I already know I am going to like this a lot more than middle school."

I stayed quiet. I knew I wasn't going to like high school any more than I liked middle school.

"Do you wish we were going to the same school?" Lexus asked.

I shook my head. "No, actually I don't." I was being honest, but I guess she thought I was joking.

"No, for real," she laughed. She shoved me playfully. "I bet you'll like it. Are you looking forward to it? Hey, maybe you could join the cheerleading squad when you get to high school, and we can cheer against each other at compet.i.tions!"

"Yeah, sure, Lexus," I told her as she kept laughing. I knew she was kidding. She had to have been kidding. Then again, Lexus was always trying to get me to be like her by wearing make-up and taking my hair out of my ponytail.

"I can't wait to go to my new school. I hear it's gotten pretty hard over at your school, because, of course, they've got more guys around here." She grinned at me.

I made myself smile back.

She got up and went to my mirror to fix her make-up. "Want some?" She held out pink lipstick to me.

I shook my head.

She laughed at me. "You are so funny."

"Why?"

"No reason," she said.

I was curious as to why she had said that, or I could have just been paranoid. I started to get a little on the defensive.

"No, why did you say that I was funny?" I heard myself shout.

Lexus closed up her lipstick and came towards me.

"Calm down. I didn't mean anything by it. You know, you should change your s.h.i.+rt before we go out."

She laughed at me and pointed to a large chocolate stain on my brand new white s.h.i.+rt that Mom had bought me.

"Why? What's wrong with it?" I joked.

Lexus tugged my ponytail playfully. I got up and went to my closet, and pulled out a new s.h.i.+rt. As I was changing, Lexus ran to the window.

"Yay! Mom and Dad are here!" She was so happy about it. "Hurry up and change! I am going to say hi."

She ran out of the room and shut the door behind her. I didn't blame her. I would have been out of that house even faster if I didn't have to change my s.h.i.+rt. Her family was perfect, like my family used to be.

I loved going over to Lexus' house. I liked her family's swimming pool, their nice garden, the fact that they always went out to eat, and that they were genuinely kind people.

I grabbed my overnight bag and ran out of my bedroom. I was just as excited as Lexus about her parents being here. They were rescuing me for the weekend. I tried not to think about Nicholas and Alison. I wanted to get away. I had to go, whether I was being selfish or not. Excited and antic.i.p.ating, I ran to the edge of the short stairwell that led to the front door and jumped those five steps. I reached out to push the screen door open. Breaking my rush and joy, I ran into Jack. He grabbed me.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Sorry," I told him, not making eye contact.

"It's okay. Where are you going with that bag?"

I looked over at Lexus and her parents as they talked to Mom beside their car. They were laughing and not even looking my way. I was just a few yards away from freedom. I started to panic inside, but I had to keep cool.

"Lexus' swimming pool is finally finished. Mom said that I could go up to Alpharetta this weekend to check it out if Lexus' parents didn't mind." I wondered if he was going to make a scene and fuss at Mom in front of them for saying that I could go. He seemed to hate it when I was happy about going over to their house.

"Oh, okay," he said with a smile. "So you'll be back with your own family tomorrow, right?"

"No, I'll be back on Sunday. Mom said I could stay all weekend." I was afraid that he would tell me I had to come back tomorrow.

"Hmm."

"What?" I asked, afraid.

He looked over at Mom and glared at her. "Nothing," he said. "Go, have fun." He gave me a peck on the cheek and then pushed past me into the house.

I sighed, relieved. Alison cried that she wanted to go swim in the new pool. Mom told her we'd all go next time. I hugged Nicholas. He seemed angry.

"I wanted to spend the night in your room tonight. We can watch movies all night like we always do on Fridays," he told me.

I kissed his cheek. I wasn't going to let myself get sad.

"Next time, Nickyroo," I told him.

I didn't say any more. I got in the car with Lexus as she shouted loudly to her father that she was starving. Her parents said goodbye to Mom, Alison, and Nick.

They got into the car, and we were off. As Lexus began telling them about everything she wanted to tell them, I stared at Jack as he watched us from the living room window. The look on his face confused me. I couldn't tell if he was angry or not. He seemed distant. He looked like a little kid who wanted to go out and play, but it was too rainy outside.

"Hmm," he had said. His words had come out dark and hard. He had glared at Mom.

Nick had said that he wanted to stay with me that night. He seemed afraid. I became afraid. What had I done? Selfish and stupid Kristen! I suddenly wanted to go back home. But it was too late. We had already made the turn onto the highway by the time I got myself to calm down inside.

I felt a sharp pain. I looked down and realized I was twisting that b.u.t.terfly between my fingers. Blood ran down my fingers and dripped onto my clothes. Lexus was so caught up in her conversation with her parents that she didn't notice. I didn't care. It was better that way. Mr. Sharp didn't say much aloud back then, anyway.

I quickly stuffed the silver b.u.t.terfly pendant into my pocket. The nurse came back into the room just as I was concealing it. She didn't notice. The nurse said that it was time to go. When I came out of the room, Mom was gone.

"Where is my Mom?" I asked.

"She went home," the nurse told me.

"But I didn't get to-" I made myself shut up.

"Come on. I'll show you where you will be staying." Nurse Habersham escorted me out of the examining area and into a different part of the hospital. It was the residential part.

The lights were dim, and it was so quiet in that part of the hospital. The nurse asked me to try to whisper if I had to talk, because it was after hours and she didn't want to wake anyone up. We pa.s.sed through the residential area and got on an elevator. She used a key to access and operate it. I guessed that they had to use key access so that n.o.body would escape. When we arrived on the seventh floor, I saw a large sign that read Adolescent Ward.

We stepped off the elevator, and another person came to meet us. This woman said that she was a counselor. Her name was Ms. Mosley.

Before Nurse Habersham left, she told me, "Your mother told me to tell you good night and that she'll see you soon as she can."

I was still confused as to why Mom had left without telling me goodbye herself. I didn't ask Nurse Habersham. I let her go. The nurse didn't have key access to the Adolescent Ward, so she went back onto the elevator and left me there with Ms. Mosley. The counselor escorted me through the double doors and onto the Adolescent Ward.

"Let me explain a few things to you," Ms. Mosley began, as she led the way. "First of all, I know you are probably wondering why your mother could not come up here with you. She had to go because, from the point of admittance, you can't have visitors until the doctor puts it in your chart. You are what we call a Level One right now. That means you are restricted to this ward unless you are going to therapy or to your bedroom. Follow me, and I will show you to your room."

I followed behind her. We walked through a large living room with a television, tables, chairs, and board games sitting on the tables. A large, semi-circular area that was divided from the room by a high counter had a sign that read Counselor's Desk. The desk overlooked the living room. Double doors were to my right with a sign that read Boys' Unit. I shuddered at the thought that there could be boys in this ward too. Through the large living room to the other side was another set of double doors with a sign that read Girls' Unit. Ms. Mosley held the door open for me as I carried my suitcase and almost struggled to tag along. I felt physically and mentally tired.

Ms. Mosley didn't turn on the lights when we walked into the room. She kept the door open and let the hallway light s.h.i.+ne in. I sat my bag at the edge of the bed like she told me to. She told me not to worry about putting any clothes away. She said I could put my things away in the morning. She told me to try to get some rest because wake up time was at seven a.m. When I looked at my watch, I saw that wake up time was only six hours away. I didn't realize how late it was.

I lay down in the bed. It was cold in there. I curled up under the useless, thin, white blanket as Ms. Mosley said good night and closed the door. The light from the hallway started to disappear, and soon it became completely dark in the room. My eyes wouldn't adjust, so I closed them.

I tried to take all of this into my memory. I wanted to remember what it looked like and what it smelled like. There was a smell to that place. It wasn't like a smell that stunk, nor was it a sweet smell. You could never forget a smell like that. It was a smell that all hospitals had. It began to creep me out. It was as if the smell was there for me to remember, so that I would never forget where I was or what I had done.

CHAPTER 6.

In the morning, I heard footsteps in the bedroom. I still had the thin, white blanket over my face. I lifted the blanket from my face to see to whom the footsteps belonged. When I did, I only saw bright sunlight, s.h.i.+ning directly in my eyes. I pulled the blanket back over my face.

"No! Get up!" a loud voice shouted. I looked up, and Ms. Mosley was standing over me. "Come on! Get some socks on your feet, and come get your vitals checked! It's time to get up!" She yelled even louder.

Prison! I knew it! I was already getting yelled at. Ms. Mosley was different from the night before. She was now being loud, serious, and stern. Her hands were cold when she touched my arm while pulling me up off the bed. She had long nails that dug into my skin. She didn't even attempt to leave until she saw that I was up and out of bed.

On her way to out of the room, she tapped on the bathroom door. She yelled, "Janine, you know what's going down! Don't let me come back in here in five minutes and see that you're still in that bathroom. Hurry up so you can get your vitals checked and eat breakfast."

Janine was my roommate. I hadn't noticed her when I had come in last night. I had arrived so late. I hadn't fallen asleep, but I had been tired. I was still tired. I couldn't believe I was expected to be all bright-eyed and welcoming the sun.

I slowly dressed into my socks. I was able to keep most of my things after the nurses had raided my bag. I saw that I had my robe in there, but no robe belt. Oh, that's right, I thought, so that I wouldn't hang myself. I noticed that I was still wearing my clothes from the day before. I wanted to shower and change my clothes, but I knew I wouldn't be able to without wetting the st.i.tches in my wrists.

Ms. Mosley stormed back into the room. She banged on the bathroom door, yelling, "That's enough, Janine! I am coming in."

Ms. Mosley opened the door, and a tall, dark-haired, skinny girl came out. She had rosy cheeks and looked like she could have been one of those teen magazine models.

"See, I'm finished. Here's my make-up kit." The girl handed Ms. Mosley a small pink bag. "Gosh, that's all I was doing. You'd think the world was coming to an end, the way you were screaming."

"Humph," Ms. Mosley grunted. "Five minutes, Janine. That's all it takes. You know better."

The girl rolled her eyes and threw herself carelessly on her bed. She looked up at Ms. Mosley, whose arms were folded across her chest.

Ms. Mosley grunted again. "No! Get up, Janine! You have to get your vitals checked. Come on!" Ms. Mosley yanked Janine up as Janine squealed, seemingly frustrated. It looked like she had a death grip on the poor girl's arm. Janine s.n.a.t.c.hed her arm away, cursing her and storming out of the room.

I swallowed hard as Ms. Mosley started towards me. "Hurry up. We have to get your vitals, too." She turned away and left me there.

I sighed in relief. I was glad that she'd stopped yelling. My head was ringing. I slipped on my shoes and walked out of the room. I was all right until I walked through the double doors and saw a living room full of teenagers. They were standing around, talking, and getting together in groups. Some of them were watching cartoons on TV and some were in line, waiting to get their vital signs checked. I nervously stepped into line behind my roommate, and a tall, somewhat heavy-set boy came up and stood behind me. I started to feel crowded and closed in. I stepped out of the line and sort of stood next to my roommate.

When it was Janine's turn to get checked, Ms. Mosley made her sit down, and she began checking her blood pressure first.

"How are you feeling today, Janine?" Ms. Mosley asked.

"Better. Can I go home?" my roommate said as she looked up at Ms. Mosley with a smile.

"Sure! You can go home, Janine," Ms. Mosley responded. "Just do me one favor first."

"What's that? Anything for you, Ms. Mosley," she sarcastically responded.

Ms. Mosley leaned down and looked Janine in her face. "You know what you can do for me, Precious? Why don't you eat all of your breakfast this morning, and your lunch, along with your dinner? If you do that for me today, I will see what I can do about getting your doctor to let you go home."

Janine rolled her eyes and sat back silently as Ms. Mosley put a thermometer in her mouth. The thermometer beeped, and she released it from the plastic probe protector. Janine got up angrily with the plastic probe in her mouth.

"Throw that away, Janine!" Ms. Mosley yelled to her.

Janine kept walking away. She stopped at the trash can and spit the plastic probe into it. Turning to Ms. Mosley, she smiled prissily. Ms. Mosley returned the smile with just as much prissiness. She then turned to me and motioned for me to sit down where Janine had been sitting. The boy behind me pushed me along like he was getting impatient. I sat down. She began taking my blood pressure.

When she finished taking my temperature, she told me to go on so that the next person could be checked. The boy behind me nearly knocked me over trying to get me out of the way. I stood off to the side. Nervously, I watched all of the other kids who were there. They didn't look sick. Some of them looked pale. n.o.body seemed as if they really cared that they were at Bent Creek. They talked to each other, laughed, and made jokes. It was just like at school.

I began to feel shy and alone. I wanted to try to sneak back to my room, but Ms. Mosley was watching me. I was starting to think that the kids would look at me and find something to laugh about. They would say that I looked funny, or that I didn't fit in. I hadn't really had any friends in high school. I hadn't even had a boyfriend.

Mom had thought I was crazy for wanting to home school. She had asked, "What about the pep rallies and the football games? What about Homecoming and your Senior Prom? Oh, wait, and the Writing Club? What about the Writing Club? You love being in your Writing Club. I know those were things that you were crazy about."

I was not crazy about those things. Those things made me crazy. I loved the Writing Club, but I hated the pep rallies. I never went to a football game. There was no chance that I'd ever be nominated for Homecoming Queen, and no one would ever ask me to Prom.

I'd told Mom that home schooling would give me more of a challenge than regular school. I'd told her that I had felt that public school just wasn't getting me through, and that I'd work and be able to pay for it myself, and even be able to help her out with a few bills. After I'd told her that, she was excited about it.