Her. Part 46

"Mom!" Alison exclaimed.

"I thought we were going to hang out with Kristen today, since it's her birthday," Nick said.

"Kristen has to see the doctor today," Mom said. "You guys will see her later, after camp."

I couldn't deny the looks on their faces. I told Mom, "I'll pick them up after I see Dr. Pelchat today, if you leave me the car."

"Yeah!" Nick exclaimed.

"Mommy, please," Alison pleaded.

Mom smiled at me. She said, "Okay. That'll be fine. Just be sure you are at the Rec Center by 3:00pm."

Nick and Alison cheered as they ran out of my bedroom and back up the stairs. When Mom was sure that they were in their rooms, she closed my bedroom door. She came over to me.

I sat up in bed, and she sat down next to me. I could tell this was about to be a serious conversation. A sharp pain shot through my chest. I stayed silent, antic.i.p.ating what was coming.

She reached into her bathrobe pocket and pulled out an envelope. She took a deep breath and carefully said, "This came in the mail for you this morning." She held the envelope out to me.

I took the envelope from her hand. It was addressed to me, and it was from...

"It's from Jack," Mom said.

The metal ball in my chest started to slowly turn, but with the turns came a burning sensation that hurt me more than it had ever hurt before. My heart pounded as if it wanted to escape my chest.

"I don't want this," I said to Mom.

"Open it," she demanded. "At least open it and see what he has to say."

I opened the envelope and pulled out the birthday card that was inside. On the front of the card was an ill.u.s.tration of a brown bear that was dressed up in a business suit and a tie. Beside the bear was a baby brown bear that had a pink bow on top of its head. The baby bear was wearing a pink dress to match the bow. Both of the bears were smiling at each other, and they were inside of a house that I guess they both lived in, since they were supposed to be family. The top of the card read: OH HOW MY BABY GROWS The card had three inserts inside. The first insert showed the baby brown bear with her papa bear again. This time the baby brown bear looked a little older. The papa bear was tying the baby bear's shoe laces. The second insert showed the papa bear and the baby brown bear. She wasn't a baby anymore. She had grown a little bigger. They both were smiling as she and the papa bear flew a kite together. The final insert showed the papa bear waving goodbye to his grown-up baby brown bear with tears in his eyes. She was leaving the house dressed in a graduation cap and gown.

I didn't want to read the words that were written by Jack at the bottom of the last insert. It was about three paragraphs of his sorry apologies and sad regrets. The damage was already done. I did not intend to forgive him.

I closed the card. As I was putting the card back in the envelope, I noticed something inside. I pulled it out. It was a twenty-dollar bill. Wrapped around the twenty was a thin strip of paper. In Jack's handwriting it said, "I wish I could have sent you more. Happy birthday, sweetheart."

I put the twenty-dollar bill and the card back inside the envelope. Mom watched me. There was more to it, and I knew it. Otherwise, she would have already left me alone. Mom sighed and leaned over towards me. I waited for what was coming.

"Kristen, we got off on the wrong foot when you first came home," she admitted. "We had that argument. You said a lot of things that really made me feel a certain way. And I think we need to talk about this before you go to see Dr. Pelchat."

"Mom," I said, "I'm really sorry."

"No," she stopped me. "Just listen to me. When you said what you said, it really did hurt me. But believe it or not, it did make me think. First off, you should know that you make your own choices. I shouldn't be blamed for your own mistakes. You chose to pick up that knife, and you chose to hurt yourself. You need to take responsibility for that."

"Mom, I do," I said. "I'm sorry for all of that."

"I'm not finished," she said as she put her hand up to stop me from speaking. "I know that you are eighteen now. You are considered a grown-up, but I do still consider you my child. When our family broke apart, I know that it was not only hard for Nick, but I know it was hard for you, too. I did push you hard, and that was only because I didn't want you to turn out to be depressed, and I didn't want you to get like this, the way you are now. I thought that I was helping you. I guess all of that pus.h.i.+ng turned out to be something else. It turned into a lot of guilt and hards.h.i.+p on you. It was guilt that I had inside of me pushed on to you. It was guilt, which has been there ever since you were born."

I looked at her, afraid of what she might say next.

"You never knew this, but eighteen years ago, when I first found out I was pregnant with you, I almost let your father talk me into having an abortion. It seemed like the only solution at the time to get rid of this problem that we thought we had. We were both young, and we had no idea what was going to happen. But when I got to the clinic, I couldn't do it. Your father didn't want to have a relations.h.i.+p with me anymore, after I told him I had decided to keep you. I felt like I had to really make keeping you worth the sacrifice of losing your father."

I sat silently with my eyes turned away from her.

She continued, "I feel guilty because I feel like I failed you. Ever since you were born, I've felt that I should have waited to have you. I should have waited until I was ready. I was growing up and raising you by myself all at the same time. It was hard on the both of us. When Jack came into my life and showed me what a real family could be like, I thought that I was doing right by you and the twins when I decided to marry him and move here. I wanted to hold onto that and keep that. Even when I saw that what we had was fading, I thought that one day it might change. I wasn't naive. I was just being stupid. And I'm sorry that I failed you as your mother."

I took a deep breath, leaned over, and I hugged her. She hugged me tight.

"I love you, Mom," I told her.

"I love you, Kristen. I'm so sorry, baby," she said as she pulled away.

"I'm sorry too, Mom," I apologized again.

"I forgive you," Mom said as she pulled away.

"Really?"

"Yes. I forgive you for what you did," she said. She gestured to my wrists.

I stayed silent and looked away from her, feeling ashamed.

"And," Mom said. "You should forgive yourself."

I looked at her. Silently I contemplated what I should say in response, but nothing that I could think of seemed right.

"You've said that you're sorry enough for now," she said.

Still speechless, I only nodded.

She noticed that I was dumbfounded and changed the subject, I guess in a way to give me something to think about.

"Are you going to talk to Dr. Pelchat about Jack's parole hearing that's coming up?"

"I don't know," I said. "I don't know what to say."

"Maybe he can help you decide if you should come with us. I've decided that we are going to be there. I'm not going to force you to go if you don't want to. But you need to make a decision soon. I'm going to let you get ready in private. Try not to be too long. Happy birthday, Kristen."

She left me alone in my room with my mind racing. If Mom went to the hearing with Nick and Alison, Jack was going to get out on parole for sure. I could feel it inside of me. It had only been three years, and it was already time for a parole hearing. That disgusting feeling crept back inside of me. Mom wouldn't take him back. She couldn't! Right? She couldn't because she had us: Nick, Alison, and me. Right?

There was no answer from Mr. Sharp. There wasn't anything sharp near me. My b.u.t.terfly pendant was nowhere to be found, and his voice could not be heard.

This was the birthday I did not think I'd ever live to see.

CHAPTER 60.

After I dropped Mom off at work, I drove the twins to the Recreation Center. I got out of the car to open the trunk so that Alison and Nick could get their swimming gear out. Alison grabbed her bag in a hurry. She gave me a warm hug before she ran into the Recreation Center. She had left Nick behind.

Nick didn't seem to want to get out of the car. I got back into the car and sat down beside him in the back seat. He looked sad.

"Nick? What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he said.

"You want to just sit here?"

He shook his head.

"Well, come on. Get your stuff out of the trunk, and I'll walk you inside if you want."

"No," he said, "that's okay."

"Well, you have to go, Nick. I have to get to the doctor's office."

"Don't go," he begged me.

"I have to," I told him.

Nick let out a deep sigh. He looked at me with seriously worried eyes.

"What is going on? Is there something that you want to tell me?"

"I have a bad feeling," he finally admitted.

"Why do you have a bad feeling?"

"I don't know. I just do."

"Are you scared?"

He nodded.

I took a guess. "Is it because of Jack's parole hearing? Is it because Mom is making you go?"

He shook his head.

"You're not scared of that?"

He shook his head again.

"Why not?" I asked.

Nick took a deep breath and, looking me straight in the eyes, he said, "I'm not scared because I know that he can't do anything to me anymore. And he'll never, ever touch me again."

Nick became my hero at that moment. He replied, sure of himself and brave. He was so much braver than I was, and I believe that he knew that. I didn't know what else to say to him.

"You're so right, Nick," was all I could think to say. "He can't hurt you ever again. How come you're so brave?"

"Because someone listened to me and helped me understand. What happened to me wasn't my fault. Nothing like that could ever be anybody's fault except Jack's."

I wanted to hug him.

He went on, "Did you know that when you save someone's life, it makes you their hero? Did you know that, even if that person is mad at you for saving their life, another person who may have been watching or who may have heard about it could be affected by what you did for that other person, and you could be a hero to them, too?"

I nodded as I tried to take all of that in.

"Yeah, it must be nice to save someone's life," I said.

I had no idea where all of this random rambling of Nick's was coming from. But I figured he just needed someone to listen to him. I wanted to be there for him, even if it was making me late for my appointment with Dr. Pelchat.

He continued, "Kristen, I'm sorry that you hurt a lot."

I looked into his eyes, shocked.

"I'm fine, Nick," I tried to convince him. "What makes you think that I am hurt?"

"I wish that you could be happy," he said. He had ignored my question.

"I am happy," I said with a forced smile. "See? I'm really happy. It's my birthday!"

Nick didn't look too convinced.

He said, "No matter what, you have to know that I love you. And now, you have to know why."

"Why, Nick?"

"Because you saved my life."

I held back my tears and took a deep swallow to hold it down.

"I saved your life?"

"Yes," he a.s.sured me. "Just like I had saved yours."

"Yes, you did, Nickyroo," I said.

"I don't want you to be mad at me for it, because I'm not sorry," he said.

"No, Nick," I said. "I could never be mad at you."

Nick took in a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh, as if he was relieved.

Alison ran back outside of the Rec Center and yelled for Nick.