Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 18

"A new volunteer, who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought him a pie from the canteen.

"As he sat on the gra.s.s eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major stopped and said:

"'What's that you have there?'

"'Pie,' said the sentry, good-naturedly. 'Apple pie. Have a bite?'

"The major frowned.

"'Do you know who I am?' he asked.

"'No,' said the sentry, 'unless you're the major's groom.'

"The major shook his head.

"'Guess again,' he growled.

"'The barber from the village?'

"'No.'

"'Maybe--' here the sentry laughed--'maybe you're the major himself?'

"'That's right. I am the major,' was the stern reply.

"The sentry scrambled to his feet.

"'Good gracious!' he exclaimed. 'Hold the pie, will you, while I present arms!'"

A player for many years a.s.sociated with the late Richard Mansfield relates that one day in Philadelphia, as he was standing by a huge poster in front of the theater a poster that represented Mansfield in the character of "Henry V.," a man who was strolling by stopped to gaze at the bill. Finally, with a snort of disgust, he muttered as he turned to go:

"_'Henry V.--_' what?"

"There is an old negro down in my town," said John Sharp Williams, the former Democratic leader of the House, "who did me a service. I wanted to reward him, so I said:

"'Uncle, which shall I give you--a ton of coal or a bottle of whisky?'

"'Foh de Lo'd, Ma.s.sa John,' he replied, 'you-all sh.o.r.ely knows I buhn wood.'"

"No," remarked a determined lady to an indignant cabman who had received his legal fare, "you can not cheat me, my man. I haven't ridden in cabs for the last twenty-five years for nothing."

"Haven't you, mum?" replied the cabman, bitterly, gathering up the reins. "Well, you've done your best!"

On the mighty deep.

The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.

"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"

"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.

Then there was eloquent silence.

"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away. "I thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"

Once in Nice an Englishman and a Frenchman were about to separate on the Promenade des Anglais.

The Englishman, as he started toward the Cercle Mediterranee, called back:

"Au reservoir!"

And the Frenchman waved his hand and answered:

"Tanks."

During a Baptist convention held in Charleston the Rev. Dr. Greene of Was.h.i.+ngton strolled down to the Battery one morning to take a look across the harbor at Fort Sumter. An old negro was sitting on the seawall fis.h.i.+ng. Dr. Greene watched the lone fisherman, and finally saw him pull up an odd-looking fish, a cross between a toad and a catfish.

"What kind of a fish is that, old man?" inquired Dr. Greene.

"Dey calls it de Baptist fish," replied the fisherman, as he tossed it away in deep disgust.

"Why do they call it the Baptist fish?" asked the minister.

"Because dey spoil so soon after dey comes outen de water," answered the fisherman.

Blanche, Wilbur, and Thomas were in the garden playing, and making a great deal of noise, but small Jack sat in a corner very quietly, which for Jack was an unusual proceeding. After watching them for some time, the mother's curiosity prompted her to ask:

"What are you playing?"

"We are playing house," answered Wilbur. "Blanche and I are the mother and father, and Thomas is the child."

"And what does Jack do?"

"Sh, s.h.!.+ he isn't born yet."