Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 19

Governor Chamberlain of Connecticut used to tell of an old friend who, because of his deafness, made some ludicrous and at times embarra.s.sing mistakes. Once he was at a dinner party where the lady seated next to him tried to help him along in conversation. As the fruit was being pa.s.sed, she asked him: "Do you like bananas?"

"No," said the old gentleman, with a look of mild surprise. "The fact is," he added in a confidential tone which could be heard in the next room, "I find the old-fas.h.i.+oned nights.h.i.+rt is good enough for me."

An Atchison woman with a little baby tells the following story. She says that a woman caller said: "What a dear little baby; how old is it?" "Sixteen months," replied the Atchison woman. "Well, dear me, it looks older," said the caller, and then went on and talked and talked and finally turned again to the baby, and said: "That precious baby, how old is it?" "Sixteen months," replied the mother. "Well, dear me,"

smilingly said the caller. "Oh, such a big baby for its age," and went on talking and talking. Again turning to the baby the caller said: "What a darling angel the baby is; how old is it?" "Eighteen months,"

said the exasperated mother. "Well, I declare, it looks two years old," said the caller, and then talked and talked. Just as she was leaving the caller stooped and kissed the baby and said: "Bless its little heart; how old is it?" "Ten months," shrieked the outraged mother, but the caller tripped gaily away; she had not noticed the replies to her questions, and had no idea and did not care how old the baby was.

A boy went into a confectioner's shop and asked for a gla.s.s of lemonade. When it was given him he took it, looked at it, and said he would have a bun instead. The bun was given him; he ate it and was walking out of the shop when the confectioner called after him, "Hi, you haven't paid for your bun." "No," said the boy, "I gave you back the lemonade for that." "But," said the man, "you did not pay for the lemonade." "I didn't drink it," said the boy, and walked out of the shop leaving the confectioner calculating.

Two women overheard talking in a poor district of London: "Did ye ever 'ear tell of Lot's wife?" "Well, no, Mrs. Brown, I can't say I ever did. Why?" "Well, I don't know very much about 'er myself, but I 'ave 'eard tell of 'er that she turned into a pillar of salt." "Lord, did she? What funny things one does 'ear nowadays. It was only this morning I was out with my 'usband and 'e turned into a public-house."

Willie Green was not only chewing gum, but had his feet sprawled out in the aisle in a most unbecoming manner.

"Willie," said the teacher, "take that gum out of your mouth this instant, and put in your feet."

William was considered the brightest boy in his grade; upon hearing a lesson recited in cla.s.s once or twice he knew it quite well. Thus, while the other fellows were compelled to study hard he scarcely found it necessary to open a book. At the expiration of the term one of the questions in the written geography was, "What is the equator?"

William, always to be depended upon, wrote without delay:

"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the center of the earth."

He was an earnest minister, and one Sunday, in the course of a sermon on the significance of little things, he said:

"The hand which made the mighty heavens made a grain of sand; which made the lofty mountains made a drop of water; which made you made the gra.s.s of the field; which made me made a daisy!"

A young Scotchman, bashful but desperately in love, finding no notice was taken of his visits to the house of his sweetheart, summoned up sufficient courage to address the fair one thus:

"Jean, I was here on Monday nicht."

"Ay, ye were that," replied she.

"An' I was here on Tuesday nicht."

"So ye were."

"An' I was here on Wednesday," continued the ardent youth.

"Ay, an' ye were on Thursday nicht an' a'."

"An' I was here last nicht."

"Weel," she says, "what if ye were?"

"An' I am here the nicht again."

"An' what about it even if ye came every nicht?"

"What about it, did ye say? Did ye no' begin to smell a rat?"

Rustic--"Well, Miss, I be fair mazed wi' the ways o' that 'ere fisherman--that I be!"

Parson's Daughter--"Why is that, Carver?"

Rustic--"The owd fool has been sittin' there for the last six hours and hasn't caught nothin'."

Parson's Daughter--"How do you know that?"

Rustic--"I've been a-watchin' o' he the whole time!"

A stately and venerable professor one morning, being unable to attend to his cla.s.s on account of a cold, wrote on the blackboard:

"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his cla.s.ses to-day."

The students erased one letter in this notice, making it read:

"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his la.s.ses to-day."

But it happened a few minutes later that the professor returned for a box he had forgotten. Amid a roar of laughter he detected the change in his notice, and, approaching the blackboard, calmly erased one letter in his turn.

Now the notice read:

"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his a.s.ses to-day."

The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell from a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, for example,"

he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?" He was right.

"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "I should say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right.