Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 41

"Any complaints, corporal?" said the colonel, making one morning a personal inspection.

"Yes, sir. Taste that, sir," said the corporal promptly.

The colonel put the liquid to his lips. "Why," he said, "that's the best soup I ever tasted!"

"Yes, sir," said the corporal, "and the cook wants to call it coffee."

Reporter--"To what do you attribute your great age?"

Oldest Inhabitant--"I hain't sure yet, sir. There be several o' them patent-medicine companies as is bargainin' with me."

Mr. Choate, ex-Amba.s.sador of the United States at London, tells of the address made by an Irish officer to his men who had just returned from a fruitless expedition.

Rising to his feet with the utmost solemnity and seriousness, the officer said:

"My men, I am fully aware of the fact that many of you brave fellows are disappointed because in this campaign you were afforded little opportunity to fight; but, my brave boys, reflect upon this: that had there been any fighting, there would have been many absent faces here to-day!"

"Young man (23) with five years' experience in leading publishers, desires to better his position."

But what better position could there be than that of leading our publishers?

From Children's Chat, by "Grandma" in the "Times" of Natal:

"I want you, my dears, to write me a short snake story, something that really happened to some one you know; and if you can tell me of a child being really bitten I shall be glad to hear about it."

Truly it is said that a child's best friend is his grandma.

Wandering over Salisbury Plain on Whit Monday, a correspondent came across a large stone inscribed: "Turn me over." After much difficulty he succeeded in turning it over, and found on the under side of the stone the words: "Now turn me back again, so that I can catch some other idiot."

He--"Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given you a jolly hug."

She--"Didn't you? Why--why--"

Timid Lady (going up the Was.h.i.+ngton Monument elevator).--"Conductor, what if the rope breaks that holds us?"

Conductor--"Oh, there are a number more attached as safety ropes."

Timid Lady--"But if they all break, where shall we go?"

Conductor--"Oh, well, m'm, that all depends upon what kind of a life you have been living before."

Elmer, though only a little boy, was the oldest child of an already numerous family. He was invited to go in and see a little baby sister.

Asked by his mother what he thought of the baby, he said, "W'y, mama, it's real nice. But do you think we needed it?"

Time: 2 A.M.

"Ma, I want a drink!"

"Hush, darling; turn over and go to sleep."

"I want a drink!"

"No, you are restless. Turn over, dear, and go to sleep."

(After five minutes.) "Ma, I want a drink."

"Lie still, Ethel, and go to sleep."

"But I want a drink!"

"No, you don't want a drink; you had a drink just before you went to bed. Now be still and go right to sleep."

(After five minutes.) "Ma, won't you please give me a drink?"

"If you say another word I'll get up and spank you. Now go to sleep.

You are a naughty girl."

(After two minutes.) "Ma, when you get up to spank me will you give me a drink?"

Once upon a time there was a young married man who had some slight bickerings with the woman of his choice. These having occurred with great frequency, he went to his father, who was older and much more married.

"Father," he said, "is it not meet that I should be the ringmaster in my own wickiup? Or must I kowtow to the old lady?"

Whereat the old man smiled wisely and said:

"My son, yonder are a hundred chickens and here a fine team of horses.

Do you place the feathered tribe on this wagon, hitch up the team, and start out. Wherever you find a man and his wife living together, make diligent investigation to find out who the commanding officer is, and where it is the woman give her a chicken. If you find a man running a house give him one of the horses."

So the young man loaded up the fowls and started out upon his pilgrimage of self-education. And when he had but seven chickens left, he approached a habitation with his forlorn inquiry, to which the man replied: