Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 42

"I'm the ace-high c.o.c.kalorum of this outfit."

And the wife, without fear or favor, corroborated the statement. Then the young man said:

"Take your choice of the horses. Either one you fancy is yours." And after the man had walked around the team several times and looked in their mouths, he said, "Well, I'll take the bay."

Now, the wife didn't like bay horses, and she called John aside, and after whispering in his ear she allowed him to return.

"I guess I'll take the black horse," he said.

"Not a bit of it," said the pilgrim. "You'll take a chicken."

They were talking over the engagement of one of the daughters of the family when the negro servant came in. One of the girls asked: "Cindy, have you seen Edith's fiance?" "No'm, honey, hit ain't been in de wash yit."

In the late financial stringency a clerk in one of the New York banks was trying to explain to a stolid old Dutchman why the bank could not pay cash to depositors as formerly, and was insisting that he be satisfied with Clearing House checks. But the old man could not grasp the situation, and finally the president of the bank was called upon to enlighten the dissatisfied customer. After a detailed explanation of the financial situation the president concluded, "Now, my good man, you understand, don't you?"

"Yes," dubiously replied the Dutchman, "I tinks I understand. It's just like this; ven my baby vakes up in der night und cries for milk, I give her a milk ticket."

Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the waiting-room.

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't he?"

"One of the best," the gentleman told him.

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.

"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?"

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter."

"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky. "Fifty tollars the first time und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und twenty-five tollars each time afterward," he kept muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

"h.e.l.lo, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am again."

A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable of the unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, "who brings you a basin."

A teacher giving a lecture on the rhinoceros found his cla.s.s was not giving him all the attention it should. "Now, gentlemen," he said, "if you want to realize the true hideous nature of this animal you must keep your eyes fixed on me."

A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the object of his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at the last moment. After thinking the matter over he finally decided to telephone, which he did. "Is that you, Samantha?" he inquired upon being given the proper number. "Yes, it's me," returned the lady.

"Will you marry me, Samantha, and marry me quick?" "Yes, I will," was the reply; "who's speaking?"

He was a big, black, good-hearted, old negro, stranded near Boston, and he had decided, after considerable "cogitation," to work his way back to, the South, where he would feel more at home. In Boston, in Springfield, in Hartford, in New Haven, it was always the same. When he rang a bell and asked for work and a bite to eat the answer usually was, "I'm very sorry, but there's not a thing to be done here to-day." There were occasional exceptions, of course, or uncle could never have got on, but the thing most to be counted upon was pleasing politeness coupled with nothing else.

At last the old man left New York and then Philadelphia behind, and one day found himself in Baltimore. His knowledge of geography was _nil_, but he thought he ought soon to be getting into "de Souf," and with that hope at heart rang the bell of a fine house on Charles Street. The door was opened by the host himself, who, after an instant's survey of the figure before him, blurted out:

"Why, yo' ---- black rascal! How dare yo' ring this bell? Get off mah steps this secon', befo' I brek yo' haid!"

"'Deed I will, boss; 'deed I will," came the hurried answer. "I wuz on'y lookin' fer a bite to eat, boss."

"A bite to eat!" repeated the other. "An' don't yo' know whar to go for all yo' want? Get yo'self round back, an' they'll feed yo'

full--but cyart yo' good-for-nuthin' black carca.s.s off these steps, I say."

And as uncle went around to the side door he raised his hands to heaven, and with tears of rejoicing running down his furrowed cheeks, said:

"Bress de Lord! I's back agin among mah own folks!"

A little boy who had just joined Sunday-school was asked by his mother how he liked it.

"Why!" exclaimed Charlie disgustedly, "they don't know much. The teacher asked what was the collec', and I was the only one who knew."

"And what did you say, dear?"

"Why, I told them pretty quick that it was a pain in the stomach."

Travelers' tales which often add charm to the conversation of an agreeable person frequently render a bore more tiresome than ever, a fact that was amusingly ill.u.s.trated by an occurrence in a Baltimore clubhouse not long ago.

"There I stood, gentlemen," the long-winded narrator was saying, after droning on for an hour with reference to his trip to Switzerland--"there I stood, with the abyss yawning in front of me."

"Pardon me," hastily interjected one of the unfortunate men who had been obliged to listen to the story, "but was that abyss yawning before you got there?"

After a lesson on digestion the teacher, anxious to know how much her instruction had been understood, questioned the cla.s.s. The first answer was rather discouraging, as the girl called upon made this startling statement:

"Digestion begins in the mouth and ends in the big and little testament."

It was the same teacher who received the following note:

"Pleas teacher do not tel Mary any more about her incides it makes her so proud."