Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 43

When Sam Jones was holding his meetings in Dallas, on one occasion he said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man stand up."

n.o.body stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

One demure little woman stood up.

"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" asked Sam, somewhat amazed.

"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."

Former President Scott, of the Cincinnati Southern Railroad, was greatly annoyed, when he first took hold of the road, by the claims for horses and cattle killed by trains on their way through Kentucky.

It seemed as though it were not possible for a train to run north or south through Kentucky without killing either a horse or a cow. And every animal killed, however scrawny, scrubby, or miserable it may have been before the accident, always figured in the claims subsequently presented as of the best blood in Kentucky. "Well," said Scott one day, after examining a claim, "I don't know anything that improves stock in Kentucky like crossing it with a locomotive."

One of a loving couple (watching a pile-driver at work)--"Dear, I feel so sorry for those poor men. They have been trying for the last half hour to lift that thing out, and every time they get it almost to the top, it falls back again."

Sentinel (on guard)--"Halt! Who comes there?"

The Colonel--"Fool!"

Sentinel--"Advance, fool, and give the countersign."

"Oh, I'm so sorry I could not come to your 'At Home' yesterday."

"Dear me, weren't you there?"

"Why of course I was--how very silly of me--I quite forgot."

A theological student was sent one Sunday to supply a vacant pulpit in a Connecticut valley town. A few days after he received a copy of the weekly paper of that place with the following item marked:

"Rev. ---- of the senior cla.s.s at Yale Seminary supplied the pulpit at the Congregational Church last Sunday, and the church will now be closed three weeks for repairs."

A Certain Ohio lady with a large sense of religious duty was recently importuned by a tramp. The good religionist, after considerable hesitation, produced a piece of dry bread which she delivered with the following formula, evidently prepared for such occasion:

"Now, sir, not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for G.o.d's sake, I give you this bread."

The tramp accepted the offering and had got as far as the gate when he suddenly turned and came back where his benefactress was waiting to see him safely out.

"Say, miss," he drawled, "not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for G.o.d's sake put some b.u.t.ter on it."

"Mother, mother, mother, turn the hose on me!" sang little Willie, as his mama was dressing him one morning.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You've put my stockin's on wrong side out," he said.

The will of Stephen Girard provided that no clergyman should ever be allowed to enter the splendid Girard College at Philadelphia.

One day a very clerical looking man, with immaculate white cravat and choker, approached the entrance.

"You can't come in here," said the janitor.

"The ---- I can't!" said the stranger.

"Oh," said the janitor, "excuse me. Step right in."

It is said that the visitor was the late State Senator Sessions, of Western New York.

The following anecdote of ex-President Roosevelt's youth is told:

When Roosevelt was a student at Harvard he was required to recite a poem in public declamation. He got as far as a line which read:

"When Greece her knees in suppliance bent," when he stuck there.

Again he tried:

"When Greece her knees...," but could get no farther.

The teacher waited patiently, finally remarking:

"Grease her knees again, Roosevelt, then perhaps she'll go."

A Young graduate in law, who had had some experience in New York City, wrote to a prominent pract.i.tioner in Arkansas to inquire what chance there was in that section for such a one as he described himself to be. He said: "I am a Republican in politics, and an honest young lawyer." The reply that came seemed encouraging in its interest: "If you are a Republican the game laws here will protect you, and if you are an honest lawyer you will have no compet.i.tion."