Stories by English Authors: Scotland Part 13

"A compound of hoops and staves, containing about a quart and a half of spirits--you have effectually accounted for the rest."

"Then it has gone to the fund of profit and loss, that's all. Never let me hear you sport those old theories again. Capital is indestructible, as I am ready to prove to you any day, in half an hour. But let us sit down seriously to business. We are rich enough to pay for the advertis.e.m.e.nts, and that is all we need care for in the meantime. The public is sure to step in, and bear us out handsomely with the rest."

"But where in the face of the habitable globe shall the railway be?

England is out of the question, and I hardly know a spot in the Lowlands that is not occupied already."

"What do you say to a Spanish scheme--the Alcantara Union? Hang me if I know whether Alcantara is in Spain or Portugal; but n.o.body else does, and the one is quite as good as the other. Or what would you think of the Palermo Railway, with a branch to the sulphur-mines?--that would be popular in the north--or the Pyrenees Direct? They would all go to a premium."

"I must confess I should prefer a line at home."

"Well then, why not try the Highlands? There must be lots of traffic there in the shape of sheep, grouse, and c.o.c.kney tourists, not to mention salmon and other etceteras. Couldn't we tip them a railway somewhere in the west?"

"There's Glenmutchkin, for instance--"

"Capital, my dear fellow! Glorious! By Jove, first-rate!" shouted Bob, in an ecstasy of delight. "There's a distillery there, you know, and a fis.h.i.+ng-village at the foot--at least, there used to be six years ago, when I was living with the exciseman. There may be some bother about the population, though. The last laird s.h.i.+pped every mother's son of the aboriginal Celts to America; but, after all, that's not of much consequence. I see the whole thing! Unrivalled scenery--stupendous waterfalls--herds of black cattle--spot where Prince Charles Edward met Macgrugar of Glengrugar and his clan! We could not possibly have lighted on a more promising place. Hand us over that sheet of paper, like a good fellow, and a pen. There is no time to be lost, and the sooner we get out the prospectus the better."

"But, Heaven bless you, Bob, there's a great deal to be thought of first. Who are we to get for a provisional committee?"

"That's very true," said Bob, musingly. "We _must_ treat them to some respectable names, that is, good-sounding ones. I'm afraid there is little chance of our producing a peer to begin with?"

"None whatever--unless we could invent one, and that's hardly safe; 'Burke's Peerage' has gone through too many editions. Couldn't we try the Dormants?"

"That would be rather dangerous in the teeth of the standing orders.

But what do you say to a baronet? There's Sir Polloxfen Tremens. He got himself served the other day to a Nova Scotia baronetcy, with just as much t.i.tle as you or I have; and he has sported the riband, and dined out on the strength of it ever since. He'll join us at once, for he has not a sixpence to lose."

"Down with him, then," and we headed the provisional list with the pseudo Orange tawny.

"Now," said Bob, "it's quite indispensable, as this is a Highland line, that we should put forward a chief or two. That has always a great effect upon the English, whose feudal notions are rather of the mistiest, and princ.i.p.ally derived from Waverley."

"Why not write yourself down as the laird of M'Corkindale?" said I. "I dare say you would not be negatived by a counter-claim."

"That would hardly do," replied Bob, "as I intend to be secretary. After all, what's the use of thinking about it? Here goes for an extempore chief;" and the villain wrote down the name of Tavish M'Tavish of Invertavish.

"I say, though," said I, "we must have a real Highlander on the list. If we go on this way, it will become a justiciary matter."

"You're devilish scrupulous, Gus," said Bob, who, if left to himself, would have stuck in the names of the heathen G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses, or borrowed his directors from the Ossianic chronicles, rather than have delayed the prospectus. "Where the mischief are we to find the men? I can think of no others likely to go the whole hog; can you?"

"I don't know a single Celt in Glasgow except old M'Closkie, the drunken porter at the corner of Jamaica Street."

"He's the very man! I suppose, after the manner of his tribe, he will do anything for a pint of whisky. But what shall we call him? Jamaica Street, I fear, will hardly do for a designation."

"Call him THE M'CLOSKIE. It will be sonorous in the ears of the Saxon!"

"Bravo!" and another chief was added to the roll of the clans.

"Now," said Bob, "we must put you down. Recollect, all the management, that is, the allocation, will be intrusted to you. Augustus--you haven't a middle name, I think?--well then, suppose we interpolate 'Reginald'; it has a smack of the crusades. Augustus Reginald Dunshunner, Esq.

of--where, in the name of Munchausen!"

"I'm sure I don't know. I never had any land beyond the contents of a flower-pot. Stay--I rather think I have a superiority somewhere about Paisley."

"Just the thing!" cried Bob. "It's heritable property, and therefore t.i.tular. What's the denomination?"

"St. Mirrens."

"Beautiful! Dunshunner of St. Mirrens, I give you joy! Had you discovered that a little sooner--and I wonder you did not think of it--we might both of us have had lots of allocations. These are not the times to conceal hereditary distinctions. But now comes the serious work. We must have one or two men of known wealth upon the list. The chaff is nothing without a decoy-bird. Now, can't you help me with a name?"

"In that case," said I, "the game is up, and the whole scheme exploded.

I would as soon undertake to evoke the ghost of Croesus."

"Dunshunner," said Bob, very seriously, "to be a man of information, you are possessed of marvellous few resources. I am quite ashamed of you.

Now listen to me. I have thought deeply upon this subject, and am quite convinced that, with some little trouble, we may secure the cooperation of a most wealthy and influential body--one, too, that is generally supposed to have stood aloof from all speculation of the kind, and whose name would be a tower of strength in the moneyed quarters. I allude,"

continued Bob, reaching across for the kettle, "to the great dissenting interest."

"The what?" cried I, aghast.

"The great dissenting interest. You can't have failed to observe the row they have lately been making about Sunday travelling and education. Old Sam Sawley, the coffin-maker, is their princ.i.p.al spokesman here; and wherever he goes the rest will follow, like a flock of sheep bounding after a patriarchal ram. I propose, therefore, to wait upon him to-morrow, and request his cooperation in a scheme which is not only to prove profitable, but to make head against the lax principles of the present age. Leave me alone to tickle him. I consider his name, and those of one or two others belonging to the same meeting-house,--fellows with bank-stock and all sorts of tin,--as perfectly secure. These dissenters smell a premium from an almost incredible distance. We can fill up the rest of the committee with ciphers, and the whole thing is done."

"But the engineer--we must announce such an officer as a matter of course."

"I never thought of that," said Bob. "Couldn't we hire a fellow from one of the steamboats?"

"I fear that might get us into trouble. You know there are such things as gradients and sections to be prepared. But there's Watty Solder, the gas-fitter, who failed the other day. He's a sort of civil engineer by trade, and will jump at the proposal like a trout at the tail of a May-fly."

"Agreed. Now then, let's fix the number of shares. This is our first experiment, and I think we ought to be moderate. No sound political economist is avaricious. Let us say twelve thousand, at twenty pounds apiece."

"So be it."

"Well then, that's arranged. I'll see Sawley and the rest to-morrow, settle with Solder, and then write out the prospectus. You look in upon me in the evening, and we'll revise it together. Now, by your leave, let's have a Welsh rabbit and another tumbler to drink success and prosperity to the Glenmutchkin Railway."

I confess that, when I rose on the morrow, with a slight headache and a tongue indifferently parched, I recalled to memory, not without perturbation of conscience and some internal qualms, the conversation of the previous evening. I felt relieved, however, after two spoonfuls of carbonate of soda, and a glance at the newspaper, wherein I perceived the announcement of no less than four other schemes equally preposterous with our own. But, after all, what right had I to a.s.sume that the Glenmutchkin project would prove an ultimate failure? I had not a sc.r.a.p of statistical information that might ent.i.tle me to form such an opinion. At any rate, Parliament, by subst.i.tuting the Board of Trade as an initiating body of inquiry, had created a responsible tribunal, and freed us from the chance of obloquy. I saw before me a vision of six months' steady gambling, at manifest advantage, in the shares, before a report could possibly be p.r.o.nounced, or our proceedings be in any way overhauled. Of course, I attended that evening punctually at my friend M'Corkindale's. Bob was in high feather; for Sawley no sooner heard of the principles upon which the railway was to be conducted, and his own nomination as a director, than he gave in his adhesion, and promised his unflinching support to the uttermost. The prospectus ran as follows:

"DIRECT GLENMUTCHKIN RAILWAY,"

IN 12,000 SHARES OF L20 EACH. DEPOSIT L1 PER SHARE.

Provisional Committee.

SIR POLLOXFEN TREMENS, Bart. Of Toddymains.

TAVISH M'TAVISH of Invertavish.

THE M'CLOSKIE.

AUGUST REGINALD DUNSHUNNER, Esq. of St. Mirrens.

SAMUEL SAWLEY, Esq., Merchant.

MHIC-MHAC-VICH-INDUIBH.

PHELIM O'FINLAN, Esq. of Castle-Rock, Ireland.

THE CAPTAIN of M'ALCOHOL.

FACTOR for GLENTUMBLERS.

JOHN JOB JOBSON, Esq., Manufacturer.

EVAN M'CLAW of Glenscart and Inveryewky.

JOSEPH HECKLES, Esq.