Plum Spooky Part 32

"What was that?" my mother asked. "It sounded like an explosion."

Diesel pressed his lips together, and his face turned red.

"I appreciate the effort you're making not to laugh," I said to him, "but you're going to burst all the blood vessels in your head if you keep holding it in."

"I can't believe you brought the fire farter home," he said. "Couldn't you have gotten a ride from the Easter Bunny or Sasquatch?"

"You should have been taking better care of me. It's all your fault. I got kidnapped by your your cousin. I'm lucky Martin Munch doesn't have me pinned to a board like a frog in biology cla.s.s." cousin. I'm lucky Martin Munch doesn't have me pinned to a board like a frog in biology cla.s.s."

"You're right," Diesel said. "I should have done a better job of protecting you. But that said, I would have thought twice about getting in a truck with the fire farter."

"I wasn't thinking. I forgot about the fire farter. I was stressed."

Elmer came back to the table, and Grandma trotted in with coffee and half an apple pie. She served the coffee and pie, and Elmer reached for the cream and farted.

Broomph!

Flames shot out of Elmer's a.s.s, set his pants on fire, and ignited the upholstered seat on the cherrywood side chair. Elmer jumped up and dropped his pants, drawers and all.

"Holy c.r.a.p," my father said. "That smells like the slaughter house burned down."

My mother downed a gla.s.s of wine and poured herself another. And my grandmother leaned forward to get a better view.

"Don't get to see this every day," Grandma said.

Diesel dumped a pitcher of water on the chair and stomped on Elmer's pants.

"Excuse me," Elmer said. "The sausage was spicy."

"That was a pip of a fart," Grandma said. "I've seen people fart fire on YouTube, but I never saw anyone do it that good."

We got Elmer outfitted in one of my father's old work pants, Diesel gave him fifty dollars, and we sent him back to the Barrens.

"GOT MY MONEY'S worth out of that fifty dollars," Diesel said, loading the laundry basket into the back of the Subaru. "I got to see a guy fart fire." worth out of that fifty dollars," Diesel said, loading the laundry basket into the back of the Subaru. "I got to see a guy fart fire."

I cut my eyes to him. "You were impressed with that?"

"h.e.l.l, yeah. I can't do it. At least, not without a Zippo lighter."

"Maybe Elmer had a Zippo lighter."

"I don't care how he did it. It was an excellent excellent fart." fart."

We got in the car, and Morelli called just before we reached my building.

"I've had the strangest feeling all day," he said. "Like something awful was happening. Are you okay?"

"Yes. How about you?"

"I'm better than okay. Anthony gets his st.i.tches out tomorrow, and then he's going home. His wife is taking him back. I'm not sure why."

"She loves him."

"Yeah, well, I love him, too, but I don't want to live with him. Although, I have to say we had fun yesterday. We watched the game, and it was almost like he was human. What did you do?"

"Blew up a fuel depot, stole twelve rockets and made off with them in a stolen van, got kidnapped by a maniac, and had dinner with a guy who farted fire."

"That would be funny, but I'm worried it's all true."

"It's been a long couple days."

"Did he really fart fire?" Morelli asked.

"Yeah. Set his pants on fire and burned my mother's dining room chair to a crisp."

"Wish I'd seen it," Morelli said.

"Men are weird."

"Cupcake, we'd all like to be able to fart fire."

"Gotta go."

"Love you," Morelli said.

"Me, too," I said. And I hung up.

Carl was in the kitchen, feeding cereal to Rex, when we got home. Carl would drop in a Fruit Loop, Rex would rush out of his can, stuff the Fruit Loop into his cheek, and rush back to his can. Carl would repeat the drill.

"Cute," I said. "Carl has a pet."

"Either that or he's fattening him up for the kill."

"Do monkeys eat hamsters?"

Diesel shrugged. "They eat pizza with pepperoni."

Mental note: First thing tomorrow, take Rex to stay at parents' house for duration of monkey visit.

I told Diesel about the cement-block house in the woods, and I repeated my conversation with Munch.

"There's no point looking for the house," Diesel said. "Wulf will move Munch. And we've caused him sufficient aggravation that he's probably in the pro cess of moving the whole operation out of the Barrens."

"He can't do that overnight. Munch said he had four BlueBec rockets sitting on pads."

"A rocket that size can be trucked out fairly easily. Most of its weight is in fuel. I just don't know why we aren't seeing it. I suppose he could camouflage a single rocket if he put it in a stand of pines. And he might even be able to hide an antenna array. What we should be seeing from the air is command central. He needs a place to house his men, track his rocket, plant his transmitter. And he'd need a generator. Why aren't we seeing all that?"

"Maybe you're looking in the wrong part of the Barrens?"

"No. Everything he does is in the same area. I know Banger Road and Marbury Road."

"Apparently, they have everything in place to send up the sounding rocket, except for the barium. They're waiting on the barium."

"I talked to Cuddles. He said it would be in late tomorrow."

TWENTY-THREE

I OPENED MY OPENED MY eyes and looked at my alarm clock. It was seven eyes and looked at my alarm clock. It was seven A.M. A.M. and the phone was ringing. Diesel reached across me and answered it. and the phone was ringing. Diesel reached across me and answered it.

"It's for you," he said, handing me the phone. "It's the Batcave."

"This is Gene in the Rangeman control room," a guy said. "I'm going to patch you through to Hal."

A moment later, Hal came on. "I hope I'm not calling too early," he said, "but a new monkey just showed up, and he's wearing a scarf."

"What kind of scarf?"

"It's a sc.r.a.p of material tied around his neck. Like decoration. Like you see on a dog sometimes. It's made out of hippie material."

"Tie-dye?"

"Yeah. Real bright colors. Like what you see in the house here."

"Hang on to him. I'm on my way."

I returned the phone to the nightstand. "Hal said a monkey just showed up."

Diesel was already out of bed, getting dressed. "I heard."

"How could you hear?"

"I have good ears."

"I was talking to him on the phone!"

"I can't find my shoes," Diesel said.

I took clean jeans and underwear from the laundry basket and headed for the bathroom. "Under the coffee table. Just like always."

"We've been living together too long," Diesel said. "I'm not the man of mystery anymore. Your mother washes my underwear, and you always know where my shoes are."

"You've never been the man of mystery. Ranger's the man of mystery."

"Then who am I?"

"You're Diesel." And just being Diesel was more than enough.

DIESEL AND I had breakfast sandwiches and coffee to go. Carl was in the backseat of the Subaru with a breakfast sandwich and a bottle of water. Our hope was that Gail had managed to tie a sc.r.a.p of her skirt around the monkey's neck and set him free. And that somehow we could get the monkey to lead us back to Gail. We'd brought Carl along as translator. had breakfast sandwiches and coffee to go. Carl was in the backseat of the Subaru with a breakfast sandwich and a bottle of water. Our hope was that Gail had managed to tie a sc.r.a.p of her skirt around the monkey's neck and set him free. And that somehow we could get the monkey to lead us back to Gail. We'd brought Carl along as translator.

"This is going to be embarra.s.sing," Diesel said.

"What?"

"Talking to a monkey in front of Ranger's man."

"How about if I tell Hal we need to talk to the monkey in private?"

"I know Carl seems rotten enough to be human sometimes, but I'm not completely convinced he understands anything we say."

"He can play Super Mario," I said to Diesel.

"Yeah, but he can't win. Mario keeps dying."

Carl tapped Diesel on the shoulder. Diesel looked at Carl in the rearview mirror, and Carl gave Diesel the finger.

"I'm just saying," Diesel said to Carl.

An hour later, we were on the dirt road that led to Gail Scanlon's compound. It was early morning, and the Barrens felt benign. The sun was s.h.i.+ning. It was in the midseventies. And there was no sign of the Easter Bunny, Fire Farter, Sasquatch, or the Jersey Dev il. Diesel drove into the clearing and parked close to the house, next to a black Rangeman SUV.

Hal came out of the house and met us in the yard. "I've got the new monkey in the cage," he said. "It's still got the scarf around its neck."

We all walked to the cage and peered inside.

"The scarf looks like Gail's skirt," I said. "I saw the monkeys before Carl set them loose, and I can't remember any of them having a neck scarf."

"He doesn't look very smart," Diesel said. "He's not even giving me the finger."

"Can monkeys do that?" Hal asked.

Carl gave him the finger.

"Cool!" Hal said.

"So what do you think?" I said to Carl. "Can you get the monkey to take us to Gail?"

Carl looked at me and shrugged.

Hal opened the door to the enclosure, and Carl went in and sidled up to the monkey with the scarf. Carl picked something off the monkey's head and ate it.