The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 101

_Ge._ We give our Votes for the Pa.s.sing the Bill our King has brought in. But who must tell the first Story?

_Eut._ Who should, but the Master of the Feast?

_As._ But, Mr. King, may I have the liberty to speak three Words?

_Eut._ What, do you take the Feast to be an unlucky one?

_As._ The Lawyers deny that to be Law that is not just.

_Eut._ I grant it.

_As._ Your Law makes the best and worst Stories equal.

_Eut._ Where Diversion is the Thing aim'd at, there he deserves as much Commendation who tells the worst, as he that tells the best Story, because it affords as much Merriment; as amongst Songsters none are admir'd but they that sing very well, or they that sing very ill. Do not more laugh to hear the Cuckoo than to hear the Nightingal? In this Case Mediocrity is not Praise-worthy.

_As._ But pray, why must they be punish'd, that carry off the Prize?

_Eut._ Lest their too great Felicity should expose them to Envy, if they should carry away the Prize, and go Shot-free too.

_As._ By _Bacchus, Minos_ himself never made a juster Law.

_Phily._ Do you make no Order as to the Method of Drinking?

_Eut._ Having consider'd the Matter, I will follow the Example of _Agesilaus_ King of the _Lacedaemonians_.

_Phily._ What did he do?

_Eut._ Upon a certain Time, he being by Lot chosen Master of the Feast, when the Marshal of the Hall ask'd him, how much Wine he should set before every Man; If, says he, you have a great Deal of Wine, let every Man have as much as he calls for, but if you're scarce of Wine, give every Man equally alike.

_Phily._ What did the _Lacedaemonian_ mean by that?

_Eut._ He did this, that it might neither be a drunken Feast, nor a querulous one.

_Phily._ Why so?

_Eut._ Because some like to drink plentifully, and some sparingly, and some drink no Wine at all; such an one _Romulus_ is said to have been.

For if no Body has any Wine but what he asks for, in the first Place no Body is compell'd to drink, and there is no Want to them that love to drink more plentifully. And so it comes to pa.s.s that no Body is melancholy at the Table. And again, if of a less quant.i.ty of Wine every one has an equal Portion, they that drink moderately have enough; nor can any Body complain in an Equality, and they that would have drank more largely, are contentedly temperate.

_Eut._ If you like it, this is the Example I would imitate, for I would have this Feast to be a fabulous, but not a drunken one.

_Phily._ But what did _Romulus_ drink then?

_Eut._ The same that Dogs drink.

_Phily._ Was not that unbeseeming a King?

_Eut._ No more than it is unseemly for a King to draw the same Air that Dogs do, unless there is this Difference, that a King does not drink the very same Water that a Dog drank, but a Dog draws in the very same Air that the King breath'd out; and on the contrary, the King draws in the very same Air that the Dog breath'd out. It would have been much more to _Alexander_'s, Glory, if he had drank with the Dogs. For there is nothing worse for a King, who has the Care of so many thousand Persons, than Drunkenness. But the Apothegm that _Romulus_ very wittily made Use of, shews plainly that he was no Wine-Drinker. For when a certain Person, taking Notice of his abstaining from Wine, said to him, that Wine would be very cheap, if all Men drank as he did; nay, says he, in my Opinion it would be very dear, if all Men drank it as I drink; for I drink as much as I please.

_Ge._ I wish our _John Botzemus_, the Canon of _Constance_, was here; he'd look like another _Romulus_ to us: For he is as abstemious, as he is reported to have been; but nevertheless, he is a good-humoured, facetious Companion.

_Po._ But come on, if you can, I won't say _drink and blow_, which _Plautus_ says is a hard Matter to do, but if you can eat and hear at one and the same Time, which is a very easy Matter, I'll begin the Exercise of telling Stories, and auspiciously. If the Story be not a pleasant one, remember 'tis a _Dutch_ one. I suppose some of you have heard of the Name of _Maccus_?

_Ge._ Yes, he has not been dead long.

_Po._ He coming once to the City of _Leiden_, and being a Stranger there, had a Mind to make himself taken Notice of for an arch Trick (for that was his Humour); he goes into a Shoemaker's Shop, and salutes him.

The Shoemaker, desirous to sell his Ware, asks him what he would buy: _Maccus_ setting his Eyes upon a Pair of Boots that hung up there, the Shoemaker ask'd him if he'd buy any Boots; _Maccus_ a.s.senting to it, he looks out a Pair that would fit him, and when he had found 'em brings 'em out very readily, and, as the usual Way is, draws 'em on. _Maccus_ being very well fitted with a Pair of Boots, How well, says he, would a Pair of double soal'd Shoes agree with these Boots? The Shoemaker asks him, if he would have a Pair of Shoes too. He a.s.sents, a Pair is look'd out presently and put on. _Maccus_ commends the Boots, commends the Shoes. The Shoemaker glad in his Mind to hear him talk so, seconds him as he commended 'em, hoping to get a better Price, since the Customer lik'd his Goods so well. And by this Time they were grown a little familiar; then says _Maccus_, Tell me upon your Word, whether it never was your Hap, when you had fitted a Man with Boots and Shoes, as you have me, to have him go away without paying for 'em? No, never in all my Life, says he. But, says _Maccus_, if such a Thing should happen to you, what would you do in the Case? Why, quoth the Shoemaker, I'd run after him. Then says _Maccus_, but are you in Jest or in Earnest? In Earnest, says the other, and I'd do it in Earnest too. Says _Maccus_, I'll try whether you will or no. See I run for the Shoes, and you're to follow me, and out he runs in a Minute; the Shoemaker follows him immediately as fast as ever he could run, crying out, Stop Thief, stop Thief; this Noise brings the People out of their Houses: _Maccus_ laughing, hinders them from laying Hold of him by this Device, Don't stop me, says he, we are running a Race for a Wager of a Pot of Ale; and so they all stood still and look'd on, thinking the Shoemaker had craftily made that Out-cry that he might have the Opportunity to get before him. At last the Shoemaker, being tir'd with running, gives out, and goes sweating, puffing and blowing Home again: So _Maccus_ got the Prize.

_Ge._ _Maccus_ indeed escap'd the Shoemaker, but did not escape the Thief.

_Po._ Why so?

_Ge._ Because he carried the Thief along with him.

_Po._ Perhaps he might not have Money at that Time, but paid for 'em afterwards.

_Ge._ He might have indicted him for a Robbery.

_Po._ That was attempted afterwards, but now the Magistrates knew _Maccus_.

_Ge._ What did _Maccus_ say for himself?

_Po._ Do you ask what he said for himself, in so good a Cause as this?

The Plaintiff was in more Danger than the Defendant.

_Ge._ How so?

_Po._ Because he arrested him in an Action of Defamation, and prosecuted him upon the Statute of _Rheims_ which says, that he that charges a Man with what he can't prove, shall suffer the Penalty, which the Defendant was to suffer if he had been convicted. He deny'd that he had meddled with another Man's Goods without his Leave, but that he put 'em upon him, and that there was no Mention made of any Thing of a Price; but that he challeng'd the Shoemaker to run for a Wager, and that he accepted the Challenge, and that he had no Reason to complain because he had out-run him.

_Ge._ This Action was pretty much like that of the Shadow of the a.s.s.

Well, but what then?

_Po._ When they had had laughing enough at the Matter, one of the Judges invites _Maccus_ to Supper, and paid the Shoemaker his Money. Just such another Thing happen'd at _Daventerv_, when I was a Boy. It was at a Time when 'tis the Fishmonger's Fair, and the Butchers Time to be starv'd. A certain Man stood at a Fruiterer's Stall, or Oporopolist's, if you'd have it in _Greek_. The Woman was a very fat Woman, and he star'd very hard upon the Ware she had to sell. She, according as the Custom is, invites him to have what he had a Mind to; and perceiving he set his Eyes upon some Figs, Would you please to have Figs, says she?

they are very fine ones. He gives her a Nod. She asks him how many Pound, Would you have five Pound says she? He nods again; she turns him five Pound into his Ap.r.o.n. While she is laying by her Scales, he walks off, not in any great haste, but very gravely. When she comes out to take her Money, her Chap was gone; she follows him, making more Noise than Haste after him. He, taking no Notice, goes on; at last a great many getting together at the Woman's Out-cry, he stands still, pleads his Cause in the midst of the Mult.i.tude: there was very good Sport, he denies that he bought any Figs of her, but that she gave 'em him freely; if she had a Mind to have a Trial for it, he would put in an Appearance.

_Ge._ Well, I'll tell you a Story not much unlike yours, nor perhaps not much inferior to it, saving it has not so celebrated an Author as _Maccus_. _Pythagoras_ divided the Market into three Sorts of Persons, those that went thither to sell, those that went thither to buy; both these Sorts were a careful Sort of People, and therefore unhappy: others came to see what was there to be sold, and what was done; these only were the happy People, because being free from Care, they took their Pleasure freely. And this he said was the Manner that a Philosopher convers'd in this World, as they do in a Market. But there is a fourth Kind of Persons that walk about in our Markets, who neither buy nor sell, nor are idle Spectators of what others do, but lie upon the Catch to steal what they can. And of this last Sort there are some that are wonderful dextrous. You would swear they were born under a lucky Planet.

Our Entertainer gave us a Tale with an Epilogue, I'll give you one with a Prologue to it. Now you shall hear what happen'd lately at _Antwerp_.

An old Priest had receiv'd there a pretty handsome Sum of Money, but it was in Silver. A Sharper has his Eye upon him; he goes to the Priest, who had put his Money in a large Bag in his Ca.s.sock, where it boug'd out; he salutes him very civilly, and tells him that he had Orders to buy a Surplice, which is the chief Vestment us'd in performing Divine Service, for the Priest of his Parish; he intreats him to lend him a little a.s.sistance in this Matter, and to go with him to those that sell such Attire, that he might fit one according to his Size, because he was much about the same Stature with the Parson of his Parish. This being but a small Kindness, the old Priest promises to do it very readily.

They go to a certain Shop, a Surplice is shew'd 'em, the old Priest puts it on, the Seller says, it fits him as exactly as if made for him; the Sharper viewing the old Priest before and behind, likes the Surplice very well, but only found Fault that it was too short before. The Seller, lest he should lose his Customer, says, that was not the Fault of the Surplice, but that the Bag of Money that stuck out, made it look shorter there. To be short, the old Priest lays his Bag down; then they view it over again, and while the old Priest stands with his Back towards it, the Sharper catches it up, and runs away as fast as he could: The Priest runs after him in the Surplice as he was, and the Shop-Keeper after the Priest; the old Priest cries out, Stop Thief; the Salesman cries out, Stop the Priest; the Sharper cries out, Stop the mad Priest; and they took him to be mad, when they saw him run in the open Street in such a Dress: so one hindring the other, the Sharper gets clear off.

_Eut._ Hanging is too good for such a Rogue.

_Ge._ It is so, if he be not hang'd already.

_Eut._ I would not have him hang'd only, but all those that encourage such monstrous Rogues to the Damage of the State.

_Ge._ They don't encourage 'em for nothing; there's a fellow Feeling between 'em from the lowest to the highest.

_Eut._ Well, but let us return to our Stories again.