Real Life In London Part 34

Full of this project, the Amba.s.sador was ~262~~ lamenting one day before the King, that the nations of Europe were wholly dest.i.tute of this grand desideratum; and he strongly recommended the establishment of a college founded upon the simple principles he had suggested. The king, either to humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify his own ambition at the expense of truth, observed, in reply, 'Why, Sir, I have a Professor of Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my dominions; but the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it will be impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' Pleased with this unexpected information, the Amba.s.sador exclaimed--'If it had been six hundred leagues, I would go to see him; and I am determined to set out in the course of three or four days.' The King, who now perceived that he had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose; but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to be written to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired the Professors to get rid of the Amba.s.sador in the best manner they were able, without exposing their Sovereign. Disconcerted at this strange and unexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They, however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying, that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his return would be very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they made preparations to receive the ill.u.s.trious stranger, who, keeping his word, in due time reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced with becoming solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour of being Professor of Signs? He was told in reply, that neither of them had that exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom he enquired, was gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his stay would be considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecture the period of his return. 'I will wait his coming,' replied the Amba.s.sador, 'if it be twelve months.'

"Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had already undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learned Professors had recourse to another stratagem. To this they found themselves driven, by the apprehension that they must entertain him as long as he chose to tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary out their patience, the whole affair must terminate ~263~~ in a discovery of the fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of serving the colleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with a little instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind with one eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very well knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent.

"On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to act, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as he was not to speak one word in the Amba.s.sador's presence, on any pretence whatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to the Amba.s.sador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of a few days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with this information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his abilities at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language some subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, and important. When the day of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up, decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown, in every respect becoming his station. He was then seated in a chair of state, in one of their large rooms, while the Amba.s.sador and the trembling Professors waited in an adjoining apartment.

"It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was ready to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck with astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of the Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under a pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence might have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance) they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange adventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and, in some degree, the honour of the nation.

"As this was an interview of signs, the Amba.s.sador began with Geordy, by holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. The Amba.s.sador then held up three; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist, and looking sternly. The Amba.s.sador then took an orange from his pocket, and held it up; Geordy returned the compliment, by taking from his pocket a ~264~~ piece of a barley cake, which he exhibited in a similar manner. The amba.s.sador, satisfied with the vast attainments of the learned Professor, then bowed before him with profound reverence, and retired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they fearfully began to enquire what his Excellency thought of their learned brother? 'He is a perfect miracle,' replied the Amba.s.sador, 'his worth is not to be purchased by the wealth of half the Indies.' 'May we presume to descend to particulars?' returned the Professors, who now began to think themselves somewhat out of danger. 'Gentlemen,' said the Amba.s.sador, 'when I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denote that there is one G.o.d. He then held up two, signifying that the Father should not be divided from the Son. I then held up three, intimating, that I believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched his fist, and, looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are one; and that he would defy me, either to separate them, or to make additions. I then took out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to show the goodness of G.o.d, and to signify that he gives to his creatures not only the necessaries, but even the luxuries of life. Then, to my utter astonishment, this wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of bread, thus a.s.suring me, that this was the staff of life, and was to be preferred to all the luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied with his proficiency and great attainments in this science, I silently withdrew, to reflect upon what I had witnessed.' "Diverted with the success of their stratagem, the Professors continued to entertain their visitor, until he thought prudent to withdraw. No sooner had he retired, than the opportunity was seized to learn from Geordy, in what manner he had proceeded to give the Amba.s.sador such wonderful satisfaction; they being at a loss to conceive how he could have caught his ideas with so much prompt.i.tude, and have replied to them with proportionable readiness. But, that one story might not borrow any features from the other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned from the Amba.s.sador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he proceeded in the following manner:--'When the rascal came into the room, after gazing at me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he did? He held up one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I then held up two, to ~265~~ let him know that my one eye was as good as both of his. He then held up three, as much as to say, we have only three eyes between us. This was so provoking, that I bent my fist at the scoundrel, and had it not been for your sakes, I should certainly have risen from the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, and taught him how to insult a man, because he had the misfortune to lose one eye. The impudence of the fellow, however, did not stop here; for he then pulled out an orange from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to say, Your poor beggarly country cannot produce this. I then pulled out a piece of good cake, and held it up, giving him to understand, that I did not care a farthing for his trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I did not thrash the scoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he insulted me, and abused my country.' We may learn from hence, that if there are not two ways of telling a story, there are at least two ways of understanding Signs, and also of interpreting them."

This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young Mortimer and Tallyho; while Merrywell kept the gla.s.s in circulation, insisting on _no day-light_{1} nor _heel-taps_,{2} and the lads began to feel themselves all in high feather. Time was pa.s.sing in fearless enjoyment, and Frank Harry being called on by Merrywell for a song, declared he had no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was agreed that it should go round.

This proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he should not be at a loss for a good _coal-box_;{3} and after a little more rosin, without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung the following~266~~

SONG.

Oh, London! dear London! magnanimous City, Say where is thy likeness again to be found?

Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty, All whisk us and frisk us in magical round;

1 No day-light--That is to leave no s.p.a.ce in the gla.s.s; or, in other words, to take a b.u.mper.

2 Heel-taps--To leave no wine at the bottom.

3 Coal-box--A very common corruption of chorus.

Here we have all that in life can merry be, Looking and laughing with friends Hob and n.o.b,

More frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree, While we can muster a _Sovereign Bob_.

(Spoken)--Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small compa.s.s: it contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life--"Aye aye, (says a b.u.mpkin to his more accomplished Kinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer Lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, and makes.h.i.+ft be the comforts and pleasures, gie me free air, health and a cottage."--Ha, ha, ha, Hark at the just-catch'd Johnny Rata, (says a bang-up Lad in a lily-shallow and upper toggery) where the devil did you come from? who let you loose upon society? d------e, you ought to be coop'd up at Exeter 'Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos and Catabaws, and shewn as the eighth wonder of the world! Shew 'em in! Shew 'em in! stir him up with a long pole; the like never seen before; here's the head of an owl with the tail of an a.s.s--all alive, alive O!

D------me how the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stick without thrums.--"By gum (says the b.u.mpkin) you looks more like an ape, and Ise a great mind to gie thee a douse o' the chops."--You'd soon find yourself chop-fallen there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)--you are not up to the gammon--you must go to College and learn to sing

Oh, London! dear London! &c.

Here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling,

With uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig; The la.s.ses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling,

The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Prig; Here is his Lords.h.i.+p from gay Piccadilly,

There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane; Here is a Dandy in search of a filly,

And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane.

(Spoken)--All higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw--Lawyers, Lapidaries, Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs--Men-milliners, Money-lenders, and Fancy Millers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round of variety! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its unparalleled pleasures--and the wis.h.i.+ng cap of Fortunatus could not produce a greater abundance of delight--Cat's Meat--Dog's Meat--Here they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot hot Chelsea Buns--Clothes sale, clothes--Sweep, sweep--while a poor bare-footed Ballad Singer with a hoa.r.s.e discordant voice at intervals chimes in with

"They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care, You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear;"

~267~~ so that the concatenation of sounds mingling all at once into one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces me to add mine to the number, by singing--

Oh, London! dear London! &c.

The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker,

And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand; The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker,{1}

And coaches to go that are all on the stand: Here you may see the lean sons of Parna.s.sus,

The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat; While Ladies, who flock to the fam'd Bona.s.sus,

Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street.

(Spoken)--"In gude truth," says a brawney Scotchman, "I'se ne'er see'd sic bonny work in a' my liefe--there's nae walking up the streets without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets without being tripp'd up."--"Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't be after blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it presently to cool your barley broth."--"By a leaf," cries a Porter with a chest of drawers on his knot, and, pa.s.sing between them, capsizes both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, humming to himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de; and leaving the fallen heroes to console themselves with broken heads, while some officious friends are carefully placing them on their legs, and genteelly easing their pockets of the possibles; after which they toddle off at leisure, to sing

Oh, London! dear London! &c.

Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it,

Unless up to London they'd certainly been?

'Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it,

That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen; Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation

For fas.h.i.+on or folly can equal our own?

Or fit out a fete like the grand Coronation?

I defy the whole world, there is certainly none.

(Spoken)--Talk of sights and sounds--is not there the Parliament House, the King's Palace, and the Regent's Bomb--The Horse-guards, the Body-guards, and the Black-guards--The Black-legs, and the Bluestockings--The Horn-blower, and the Flying Pie-man--The Indian Juggler--Punch and Judy--(imitating the well-known Show-man)--The young and the old, the grave and the gay--The modest Maid and the willing Cyprian--The Theatres--The Fives Court and the Court of Chancery--~268~~

1 Flue Faker--A cant term for Chimney-sweep.

The Giants in Guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and, what's more than all, the Coronation Ball--

Mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity, To please the folks of quality:

For all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch, the smell,

Whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone,

No place has such charms as the gay town of London.

Oh, Loudon! dear London! &c.

The quaint peculiarities of the Singer gave indescribable interest to this song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various cries of the inhabitants, and it was knock'd down with three times three rounds of applause; when Merrywell, being named for the next, sung, accompanied with Dashall and Frank Harry, the following

GLEE.

"Wine, bring me wine--come fill the sparkling gla.s.s, Brisk let the bottle circulate; Name, quickly name each one his fav'rite la.s.s, Drive from your brows the clouds of fate: Fill the sparkling b.u.mper high, Let us drain the bottom dry.