Jokes For All Occasions Part 26

"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"

The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically:

"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."

HINDSIGHT

Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:

"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"

Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls, and shook his head.

"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible twisted."

A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the intervening s.p.a.ce, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over the wide expanse of water between boat and sh.o.r.e.

"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"

HINTING

A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper:

"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter--it'$ nece$$ary in our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch remi$$ne$$."

HISTORY

The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that subject protested:

"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the faculty declared.

The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:

"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very difficult study, and most perplexing."

Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast was that he had been the body servant of George Was.h.i.+ngton. As he was very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was as follows:

"Ya.s.suh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks.

Gen'l Was.h.i.+n'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pa.s.s dis way, an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Ya.s.suh, an'

when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Was.h.i.+n'ton, he jumped out at 'im, an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"

HOGS

The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had pa.s.sed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable feature. He received the following reply:

"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be sure to come."

HOLDING HIS OWN

The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry:

"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now."

HOME BREW

The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.

"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a question." Then, as he nodded a.s.sent: "Do you drink anything?"

The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:

"Anything!"

And she fell into his arms.

HOMESICKNESS

One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The officer spoke roughly:

"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"

"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive voice.

"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?

What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"

"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"

HONEYMOON

The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition.

She returned in due time, and pa.s.sed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily.

"I'm back, honey--let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:

"Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!"