Jokes For All Occasions Part 27

Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"

HONORABLE INTENTIONS

A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him:

"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now, Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"

And Clinton responded unabashed:

"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for you to ruffle your s.h.i.+rt. My intentions is honorable--but remote."

HOSPITAL

Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be found.

As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:

"It's a b.u.m way to get a cat."

HOSPITALITY

The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked:

"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?"

The boy replied with a flush of pride:

"In the rat-trap."

HUMBUG

Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings of a b.u.t.terfly, the legs of a gra.s.shopper and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.

"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the spokesman asked.

The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at the boys.

"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.

The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:

"Oh, yes, sir."

"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."

HUMIDITY

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn when it was damp. Sat.u.r.day evening, his father heard him recite a Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.

"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest is----'" He halted at a loss.

"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.

"Is damp."

HUMILITY

The slow suitor asked:

"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"

"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept."

HUNGER

"That woman never turns away a hungry man."

"Ah, genuinely charitable!"

"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"

HUNTING

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no game. A friend twitted him with his failure:

"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"

The honest fellow nodded miserably.

"I shot my dog."

"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.

"Not exactly mad," he a.s.serted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"

IDENt.i.tY