Jokes For All Occasions Part 29

A voice came down from the gallery:

"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."

Said one Tommy to another:

"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"

"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner,"

was the answer. "Inherited it from him."

INITIATIVE

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:

"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."

"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added proudly, "kicking her in the s.h.i.+ns was entirely my own idea."

INJUSTICE

The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A pa.s.ser-by asked him what was the matter.

"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.

"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.

The child bawled the louder.

"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."

INNOCENCE

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:

"I wants to tum in, Sissy."

"But you tan't tum in, Tom."

"But I wants to."

"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see little girls in their nightie gowns."

There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:

"You tan tum in now, Tom--I tooked it off."

The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to admire the baby, and asked how old it was.

"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.

And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:

"And is it your youngest?"

INQUISITIVENESS

In the smoking car, one of the pa.s.sengers had an empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:

"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."

The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.

"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."

The curiosity of the pa.s.senger was excited by the fact that his seatmate had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:

"You broke your arm, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did."

"Had an accident, I suppose?"

"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."

"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the back for?"

"Just for minding my own business."

INSOMNIA

The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.

INSULT

The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the day's work.

"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"