Jokes For All Occasions Part 30

"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"

"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.

The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.

"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred miles away."

"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning, and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened it."

"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.

"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it, except----"

"Except what?"

"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult--that was to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.--Dear Ella, don't fail to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"

Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he had been insulted by a deacon of his church.

"When I stood up in the cla.s.s meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said, 'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"

INSURANCE

The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc.

"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to start?"

"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.

The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.

"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a catch in it."

INTERMISSION

During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:

"Meanwhile, in order to pa.s.s the time, we will proceed with the lecture."

INVENTORS

The profiteer, skimming over the advertis.e.m.e.nts in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut gla.s.s at his wife, and remarked enviously:

"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that feller Vacuum has cleared millions."

ITEMS

The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:

Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6.00 Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet 3.06 Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill 4.08 Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye 2.06 Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel 5.06 Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks 2.04 Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon 8.02 Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls 3.06 Revived the flames of h.e.l.l, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd jobs for the d.a.m.ned 4.10 Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 2.00 Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig 3.07 Cleaned the ears of Balaam's a.s.s, and shod him 2.08 Put earrings in the ears of Sarah 5.00 Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand and extended his legs 2.00 Decorated Noah's Ark 1.20 Mended the s.h.i.+rt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the pigs 1.00 ----- 53.83

JOKES

The joke maker's a.s.sociation had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a conundrum:

"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"

When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:

"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."

KINs.h.i.+P

The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation:

"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."

The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a raid made on the chicken-house during the night.

"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the chickens."

"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de men."

"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.

Matilda wept.

"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh him."

KISSES

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:

"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman might have replied: