Jokes For All Occasions Part 31

"Not yet, but soon."

The young man addressed the old grouch:

"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow kiss her good-night?"

The old grouch snorted.

"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."

KISSING

The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So, they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed--ardently for a period of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:

"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped.... Let's try it again."

The tiny boy fell down and b.u.mped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the child up, with the remark:

"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."

The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:

"Come down in the kitchen--the cook has the toothache."

Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness with which they could expound any pa.s.sage of Scripture. It is recorded of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking girls." But the astonis.h.i.+ng phrase did not dismay him in the least, or cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and solemnly:

"It is evident from this pa.s.sage, my brethren, that the Scripture does not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this pa.s.sage to choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those that squeak under the operation."

LAUGHTER

Josh Billings said:

"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how."

LAW

The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:

"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."

LAWYERS

There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languis.h.i.+ng in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.

"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.

"In the county jail."

"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's bad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a cla.s.s enjoy good health.

LEGERDEMAIN

"What did you do last night?"

"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it."

LENT

"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.

"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet."

LIARS

The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:

"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to come home to see her an' the children."

The colonel shook his head decisively.

"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until your term of service expires."

"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.

"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"

"Yes, certainly," the officer a.s.sented.

"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so to spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."