Jokes For All Occasions Part 32

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."

LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the following effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the forehead between the ears."

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.

Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:

"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie, you are all wide-awake."

LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:

"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that feathers are splendid non-conductors."

LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth."

LITERAL

The cla.s.s had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It ran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes and my dinner."

LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired:

"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cus.h.i.+ons, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."

LOGIC

The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.

"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.

"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.

"What about, little man?"

"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"

"Why, no! Of course not, dear."

The perplexity pa.s.sed from the little boy's face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:

"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."

LOQUACITY

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered:

"Dormie."

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:

"Chatter-r-rbox!"

LOVE

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love:

"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other."

LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT

The little girl came in tears to her mother.

"G.o.d doesn't love me," she sobbed.

"Of course, G.o.d loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?"

"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him with a daisy."

LUCK

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in ill.u.s.tration of the general cussedness of things:

"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the luck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse."