A Live Coal in the Sea Part 11

After the service they had a picnic with some paris.h.i.+oners in a screened-in summerhouse, and Camilla was introduced as Mac's fiancee.

Camilla helped Olivia in the garden, transplanting, thinning, pulling weeds.

A.

yard man came once a week for the heavy work, but there was still plenty to do.

Olivia Xanthakos might be tiny and delicate, but there was amazing strength in those small hands.

'My dear,' Olivia said one afternoon, sitting back on her heels on the gra.s.s, 'how well do you know Mac?'

Camilla, too, sat, her lap full of green clippings. 'I'm not sure. He's wonderfully warm and generous, but he's a very private person.'

'What about you?'

'I think I'm basically pretty private, too. But with Mac I haven't been. When I.

literally b.u.mped into him on the campus I just blurted everything out, about-about my mother's infidelities.'

'Mac told us a little about her problems. I'm sorry, my dear. It's hard. Hard on you all.'

'Does it make any difference?' 'To what?V 'To your feelings about my marrying Mac?V 'Oh, Camilla, dearest, of course not. Mac is marrying you, not your mother.'

'I'm like my father,' Camilla said, 'as my mother keeps reminding me. Square.

But I love Mac.'

Madeleine L'Engle96 'He loves you. That is quite apparent.' Then, 'Do you ever wonder about Kenya?'

-All the time. All the time. What could she say perceptive woman? 'He left very abruptly. I didn't stand.'

'But he kept in touch?' 'He wrote. Nice letters.' 'Not love letters, you mean?'

She nodded. The short gra.s.s p.r.i.c.kled against her legs. 'He did sign them Love, Mac.'

Olivia laughed, then sobered, picking up her garden shears, opening and closing them. 'And then he came back.' Camilla looked at Olivia, at the kindness in the soft blue eyes. 'I was so glad to see him. But it was also strange to me. He picked up as though nothing had happened.'

Olivia gently touched the ring on Camilla's left hand. 'That didn't make you hesitate?'

'I love him.'

'And it is evident to Art and me that he loves you. Camilla, you were upset at his leaving so suddenly?'

'Yes. He got the letter from Kenya and he left the next day.'

Olivia pulled gra.s.s from around some sweet alyssum that bordered the path.

'He'd had the letter from Kenya for quite a while.'

'But-'

'There are times when Mac just goes away. Escapes whatever it is that is too much for him.' She looked questioningly at Camilla, her hands full of gra.s.s and a few flowers.

Camilla said, slowly, 'When Mac told me he was leaving for Kenya, it seemed to have something to do with Korea.' Olivia asked, 'Did he talk to you about Korea?'

Camilla shook her head. 'No. Luisa Rowan-' 'Frank Rowan's sister?'

'Yes. We're old school friends. She, well, she discovered I to this under A Live Coal in the Sea 97.was seeing Mac, and she said something about Mac and Frank meeting in Korea, and it was much bigger than it seemed.' 'Yes,' Olivia said. 'It would be.' She smiled at Camilla. 'Mac will probably tell you about it.' She got onto her knees, then pushed herself up and stood, looking down at Camilla. 'I need to go take a small rest before I think about dinner. Tomorrow we're going out. I hope you don't mind being shown off. You make us very happy.'

'Camilla, Camilla,' Mac said. 'You make me so happy. Let's go to the tree house.

I tested the rope ladder this afternoon and it's fine. Last siftmmer I replaced the ropes and some of the wooden slats. It's easy enough to climb up.' She followed him across the little stream and into the woods. Mac held the rope ladder firmly for Camilla, who scrambled up easily enough. He followed her, then pulled up the ladder and grinned.

'Now n.o.body can get to us. I'm glad I told you about T.J.' She nodded. 'Your friend who died of leukemia.' She leaned her head against his shoulder. There was hardly any motion of the leaves, and she could just hear the murmuring of the brook.

'I told you about T.J. but I didn't tell you everything,' he said, 'and I think I need to.' Camilla looked through the canopy of leaves, found a star. She waited.

Finally Mac said, 'T.J. s sister, Cissie, was the girl everybody knew was a cheap lay. Sorry. That's what she was. She got pregnant. Was careless. Said I was the kid's father.'

Camilla opened her eyes wide, as though to see him better. He sat up and put his arms about his knees.

His voice was thin. 'I was a virgin. And I had, oh, G.o.d, I had such a reputation for being perfect. People wanted to believe I wasn't as good as all that. And I.

wasn't-of course I wasn't. n.o.body is. But I was a virgin.''If a girl's a virgin, it can be proved by a doctor-'

Madeleine L'Engle98 'Not a male. There's no membrane to be broken. I'd had wet dreams, though not even those for a while. I was still healing from T.J.'s death. I don't know why Cissie wanted to pin it on me. But she did. The Methodist minister's daughter said it was a known fact I was always over at T.J. and Cissie's. The fact that I.

hadn't been there for nearly a year didn't seem to occur to anybody. The only person to say the accusation was absurd was the rabbi's daughter, and it didn't do her any good to try to stand by me. Well. She's still a good friend, married to a cellist, and she plays the oboe.'

'What happened?' Camilla asked. 'I went to the local recruitment army and was sent to Korea.'

'Oh, Mac-'

'False accusations.' He spoke with controlled violence. 'I was falsely accused of getting a girl pregnant. And then Frank and I were accused of collaborating with the Communists.' 'But you didn't-'

He rolled onto his back. 'I did, Camilla. I bought the lies. America looked pretty s.m.u.tty to me when I fled Nashville. And I was a P.K.'

'P.KY.

'Preacher's kid. Taught to believe what Jesus said, about giving up your coat, and turning the other cheek, and walking a second mile, and all that stuff, which, if taken seriously, is more or less what Communism ought to be and isn't.'

A terrible ache ran down Camilla's back. She eased her position against the tree.

'I bought the lie about the U.S. being the only aggressor, entirely responsible for starting an unjust war. Part of the lie was true, but it was a twisted truth.' He reached up, pulled a leaf off a twig, and shredded it. 'I agreed to do some broadcasting.'

She caught her breath. Did not speak.

There was a long, dark silence. She thought she could hear center and joined the A Live Coal in the Sea99 Mac's heartbeat, a rapid drumming. Finally he spoke again. 'Anything that was said about Cissie and me was a lie. But there was a worse lie, which was at least partly true.' He groaned. 'Oh, G.o.d, Camilla, there was a girl. She was beautiful, straight black hair hanging all the way down her back. That strange flat-to me-Korean face with incredible dark eyes and lashes. I had never seen anything like her. I fell for her, and I believed that she loved me, that she truly loved me. The horror of it was that she believed, totally believed, everything she told me. There wasn't an iota of cynicism in her. She was on fire with love of her country, and with the ideology she had been taught. Her religion. When she kissed me it wasn't part of a plan of seduction.'

Again the silence came between them, so tangible she felt it dampening her palms.

'Oh, G.o.d, she was lovely, and she loved me and I loved her. I caught her faith.

At first her superiors thought our love could be useful, that she could use me for their purposes. Frank saw what was going on, and at night he would talk to me quietly, not pus.h.i.+ng, not getting excited, but gently, and when I began to listen to him, to tell her what Frank was telling me, when she started to ask questions, they were angry.

When I backed down from the promises I had made, when I refused to do the broadcasting, they gave her, I guess, a chance to change my mind, to go back to believing what she believed, and when I refused, when I tried to make her understand, they took her away. I never saw her again. I don't know what happened to her. I couldn't find out. I killed her, Camilla.'

'No-no-you don't know-'

'I'd like to kid myself, but I don't think she's still alive. I was wild with anger and grief. She was my first wonderful experience of physical love, and it was blown to bits as though they'd dropped high explosives on us.'

'Mac-Mac-I'm so sorry.'

'Frank held me together, kept me sane enough not to re- Madeleine L'Engle100 turn to the insanity that had gripped me. Camilla, it was a terrible time in my life. I am not ashamed of my love, because it was beautiful and real, but I am ashamed of what I started to believe, and my-my capitulation to the lies I was fed. And Frank suffered for it, too. When I refused to do what I had said I would do, both Frank and I were punished for my refusal.'

Sleep deprivation, she remembered Frank saying. What else was done to them?

'It taught me the meaning of friends.h.i.+p. I would have been given a dishonorable discharge from the army if it hadn't been for Frank's intervention.'

She put the back of her hand against his cheek, rubbing it gently.

'Does this make you'-he paused-'not want to marry me?' She shook her head.

'Oh, Mac, darling. I'm grateful to you for telling me.'

'That I loved someone else-'

The words did not come easily. 'I'm glad-I'm glad you told me.'

'Darling,' he said, 'if you're going to be my wife, I need to be honest with you about myself. I'm a pretty square guy. After we got home and I was with Mama and Papa for a while, and then when Frank and I went to seminary, I was moderately serious about a couple of girls, but I wasn't the womanizer Luisa accused me of being, and it wasn't until I met you that I knew-not just with my mind and body but with all of me, with my soul, if that doesn't sound too corny, that I love you. Camilla, I love you. You listen to the heart of trees,' he said, pulling her toward him until her head rested on his chest. 'Can you hear my heart, darling Camilla? It's yours.'

Camilla offered to cook at least one dinner.

'Let's do it together,' Olivia suggested. 'That will be fun.'

A Live Coal in the Sea101 It was. Olivia helped shred and chop while Camilla made a delicate sauce, using some of Olivia's homegrown herbs. 'What a delight you are,' Olivia said. 'Art and I have always wanted a daughter, and you are everything we could havewished for.'

-I've always wanted a mother, Camilla thought, but could not say it and thus betray her mother. 'You and Mr. Xanthakos-'

'Art, lovey.'

'There's a peace in your house, a kind of serenity I've never known. You and Mr.

Xan-Art-can be quiet together, and it's good. I hope it will be that way for Mac and me.'

Olivia was busy chopping cilantro. Finally she said, 'My dear, it does not come free, or without leaving scars. When china is broken, no matter how well it's mended you can still see the crack. When bones are broken they have to be skillfully set, and sometimes rebroken and reset. One of my favorite cooking utensils is my rice cooker, which I'll get out for you in a few moments.

You'll notice that it has a patch on the bottom from where I let it burn dry. We used to mend our pots and pans. Perhaps today we tend to throw away rather than mend.' She looked at Camilla. 'That's not an answer to what I hope for you and Mac, but it's at least a metaphor. When I think of Art and myself I know that our patches and glued-together cracks are visible, but they've held.'

Camilla asked, 'Perhaps Mac's going to Kenya the way he did was the first of our cracks?'

There did not seem to Camilla to be visible cracks in Olivia and Art. She loved the way they looked at each other, touched un.o.btrusively, a hand laid for a moment against an arm, a shoulder.

Mac, too, touched her inconspicuously whenever they were Madeleine L'Engle102 not alone, something learned from his parents that she treasured. She needed the rea.s.surance of his hand, his fingers against hers.

Art was affectionate with her, far more overtly than her father had ever been, but never in any way that made her uncomfortable.

One Sat.u.r.day morning when he was going over his sermon she took him in a midmorning cup of coffee, and he indicated a comfortable leather chair beside his desk. 'Sit down for a moment, can you? I need to take a break.'

Camilla curled up in the big old chair, looking around the study, which was full of books, many, she thought, in Greek. Magazines and papers were falling off tables and extra chairs. There was a smell of leather and old books and the fresh coffee she had brought in, very different from the Church House coffee.

Art asked, 'You and Mac getting enough chance alone to talk? Olivia and I aren't too much around?'

'We have lots of chance to talk,' Camilla said. 'We've gone out to the old tree house. Mac told me about T.J.'

'Thomas James. Tragic. He was a brilliant boy.' 'And Cissie.'

Art leaned back in his chair. 'I'm glad Mac told you. T.J. had the brains.

Cissie had the smarts. It was a clever ploy, but it didn't work.'

'It sent Mac to Korea.'

'Yes, and that was h.e.l.l, but a different kind of h.e.l.l than he knew here.' He picked up a pencil, looked at it thoughtfully, and sharpened it with a penknife. 'How much did he tell you about Korea?'

'He told me.'

Art was silent for a long time, nodding slowly, affirmatively, as he looked across his desk at Camilla. 'It is terrifying how untruth can be taught. Mac and Frank and the others were put in schoolrooms with the great blue-and-white flag of A Live Coal in the Sea103 peace covering one wall. And taught. At first it was mesmerizing. And then there was the girl. He told you?'

'Yes.'

'When the instructor accused the U.S. of starting the war, Frank pointed out that it was odd that the North Koreans were already in Seoul. Mac heard.

Dazzled as he was, he heard. Thanks to Frank's steady clear-sightedness, his gentle persistence, the scales fell from Mac's eyes. He tried to speak to the young woman, out of love, out of nalvet6. It was a bad time.'

Art put down his coffee cup. 'Enough. It serves no good purpose to dwell on that time. It is fitting that you should know about it, but now you and Mac need your own lives. There are other things as grievous as- No. Not now. Olivia and I are more happy than we can say that Mac has found you. That you have found each other. Now, before you set a wedding date, Mac must find out what he is going to do next.'

C A M I L L A WENT BACK to New England to teach summer school. Mac returned to the seminary to take courses and to look for a job.

Every week or so Art or Olivia would call Camilla, and she felt that she was beginning to understand, at last, what it was like to have parents.

"Parents," Raffi said, "are a liability. They mess up their lives."

"Not always," Dr. Rowan said. "Some manage to work through their griefs and betrayals into real love."

"Name somebody." "Your grandparents."

"I never knew my grandfather. He died while Mom was pregnant with me. They were really good together?"