The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 105

At the end ov the fifth day i c.u.m away.

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.

OATS.

Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one ov them.

They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler.

This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.

Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch.

I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler.

This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.

I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the "splits" that win.

If this iz true, (reasoning from a.n.a.logy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the suckshun.

But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered rane water.

If i had time i would relate more about this circ.u.mstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin.

I like tew see a man stik t.i.te tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it.

I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, yu kant work what's left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.

Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.

Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don't have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed.

She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

But for all this, i love mi wife with the aff.e.c.kshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sa.s.s, bi enny other woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum straw, and are sharp at both ends.

They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.

I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn't be a shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.

Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.

This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.

I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.

Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the eazyest to cheat.

They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it, this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth.

It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other ph.e.l.low.

The G.o.ddess ov korn iz also the the G.o.ddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat.

Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate.

Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you c.u.m right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses in the world, kant warrent a good crop.

It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the G.o.ds, and G.o.ddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet.

Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth.

I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze G.o.ds, and G.o.ddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn't earn their pepper-sa.s.s.

Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count.

Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never.

It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it would save them a good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats.

Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so, Methuseler died ritch.

Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz worth.

Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss.

They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper of pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very ska.r.s.e.

Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold.

I found this out all alone by miself.

Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize.