The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 118

Care--Cat pizen.

Faith--The soul riding anchor.

Bliss--Happiness bileing over and running down both sides ov the pot.

Marriage--An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook and woman her luv letters.

Quack--A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill.

Hash--A boarding-hous confidence game.

Fuss--An old hen with one chicken.

Twins--2 mutch.

Boarding-School--A place whare wry coffee and flirtashun iz taught.

Experiment--Energy out ov a job.

Perfection--G.o.d in man.

Virtue--That ingredient whitch needs no foil, and without whitch nothing else iz valuabel.

Solitude--A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew stay.

Sloth--Life in a tomb.

Health--A call loan.

Memory--The shadow that the soul casts.

Politeness--Sixty day paper.

Poverty--The only birthright that a man kant lose.

Accidents--The dismay ov phools, the wize man's barometer.

Ease--Discounted time.

Wealth--Baggage at the risk ov the owner.

Trials--Whetstuns.

Fortune--The aggregate ov possibilitys; a G.o.ddess whom cowards count by stealth, but whom brave men take by storm.

Economy--A fust mortgage on wealth.

Enough--Jist a leetle more.

Dignity--Wisdum in tights.

Mischief--The maliss ov fun.

Cook--One who manufakters appetights.

Diseases--The whipping posts and branding irons ov luxury.

Drunkenness--Shame lost and shame found.

Cowardice--Pluck on ice.

Glutton--A man with a drunken appetight.

Examples--Foot prints in the wilderness.

Nunnery--Piety in chains.

Ignorance--Raw happiness.

Sin--A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discovered to be an antidote.

Friends.h.i.+p--One ov love's pimps.

Envy--A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brother Abel afterward caught, and died suddenly ov.

Belle--A female boss ov the situation.

Fancy--The flirtashun ov truth.

Sarcasm--An undertaker in tears.

Sulks--Deff and dum madness.

Courting--A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game.

Fiction--A lie with holiday clothes on.

Hen--A lay member.

Law--The shackels ov liberty.

Science--The literature ov truth.

Deceit--A ded wasp with a live tail.

Babys--Dividend.

Miser--A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away hiz munny in.