The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 28

Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.

A kangaroo's tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat's tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.

What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.

The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo's tail waz too mutch for them.

But a kangaroo's tail don't bother me enny more than a kite's tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i c.u.m acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.

Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.

THE CODFISH.

The codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.

They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.

They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.

Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.

Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.

I never hav been codfis.h.i.+ng miself, but think I should like it better than fis.h.i.+ng for frogs.

I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.

I had rather take a boss b.u.mble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.

Sum people ain't afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn't settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.

The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.

I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.

THE MACKREL.

The mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.

They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.

They ain't the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.

Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.

They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.

If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfa.s.st i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.

Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called "the salt of the earth."

THE POLLYWOGG.

The pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.

After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and "nothing venture nothing have," and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.

He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he c.u.ms tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bek.u.m a frog.

This iz the way that frogs fust c.u.m tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.

The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.

He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.

Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.

The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.

I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.

If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.

I don't kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.

If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy ph.e.l.lows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.

THE BULL HEAD.

This remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.

They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.