The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 34

THE PATRIDGE.

The patridge iz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the hill sides that are woody.

They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu beginners.

In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.

Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this.

The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed.

It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a tree gets in the way.

I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it.

The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a c.o.c.kroach iz who feels well.

When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year's chestnut burs on legs.

Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu.

But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.

THE SNIPE.

The snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick.

They are pure game, and are shot on the move.

They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats.

The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor's) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the juices out with their tounge.

I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and ph.e.l.l on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.

This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.

THE c.o.c.kROACH.

The c.o.c.kroach iz a bug at large.

He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.

He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.

We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fas.h.i.+onable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette p.i.s.smire, and the "_artikilus bevo_"

or common Amerikan gra.s.shopper.

Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks.

But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the c.o.c.kroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz.

Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz aff.e.c.ktionate and unadulterated natur.

He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the b.u.t.ter plates.

How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.

I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal c.o.c.kroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.

Such iz man!

The c.o.c.kroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.

They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single c.o.c.kroach.

The maternal bug don't sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don't seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.

But I never knew a c.o.c.kroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.

The c.o.c.kroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts.

Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav c.u.m to the conclusion that a c.o.c.kroach kan't swim, but they kan float.

Naturalists hav also declared that the c.o.c.kroach has no double teeth.

This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika.

But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan't bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the b.u.t.ter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart.

To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech.

Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among c.o.c.kroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter's song in the room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed.

In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had them, to swap ten fust cla.s.s fleas any time for a small sized c.o.c.kroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the c.o.c.kroach and sware that we waz even.

THE MULE.