The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 67

Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.

Adversity iz a G.o.ddess with frozen smiles.

If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this--_owe no man_.

Young ones and dogs?--thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.

Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.

People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.

I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.

Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg's tale--a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain't our dorg's tale.

LIGHTNING BUGS.

Plezzures make folks _acquainted_ with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them _know_ each other.

[Ill.u.s.tration: LIGHTNING BUGS.]

It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.

Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.

Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.

Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.

About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.

Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.

Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.

Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.

A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.

Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.

No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.

A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.

Vanity iz the superst.i.tion ov pride.

Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don't intoxikate.

I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which pa.s.ses amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.

I prefer an open, and bra.s.s-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.

"_Beware ov the dog!_" also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.

Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.

A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.

Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.

If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.

A man don't alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.

The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.

A petted child iz like a bile that won't c.u.m tew a hed.

Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pc.o.c.k's tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowc.u.mber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.

Cannon b.a.l.l.s--are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.

Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew p.r.i.c.k a bladder--windy folks will please make a note ov this.

Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain't no sich thing, nor hadn't ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.

About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won't.

I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil.

Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.

Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should az soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.

An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.

Fas.h.i.+ons are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fas.h.i.+on.

Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don't hav mutch ov enny thing else.

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.