The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 7

The duv iz the lam amung birds.

They are az harmless az a dandy lion.

They don't do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and coo.

They luv each other like a nu married kupple.

The duv alwus hav a good appetight; they will eat from dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn't eat sum more.

They are a long lived burd, and like the b.u.mble bee, are the biggest when they are born.

I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age.

They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the multiplikashun table.

They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav got tew hav a good menny ov them.

The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Noahs pets, when he sailed.

The fust duv he sent out ov the ark brought bak an olive branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn't bring bak enny thing.

She even forgot tew c.u.m bak herself.

Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, and the one he sent out, and the one he had on hand, must hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov the duv.

The duv iz more ornamental than useful.

They are too inosent tew be very useful.

Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness.

I hav known half a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, and make themselves useful for a fu minnitts.

I don't hate duv pies.

The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense.

The bible tells us, "to be az wize az a sarpent, _but harmless_ as a duv."

This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness.

Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be az harmless az a duv.

The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man's natur iz a good dose.

If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he aint apt tew cook things enuff.

The duv iz a homemade kritter; they are as eff.e.c.ks.h.i.+onate as a c.o.c.kroach iz.

The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they are apt tew do it.

Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points; but i wouldn't like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want ennything else but duvs and lams. But this place aint laid down on enny of the maps in this world.

Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredful unsartin.

I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew make the good things more desirable, and all things that are natral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient.

THE OLD BACHELOR.

A chronick old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nuter gender, i don't care how mutch he may offer tew bet that it ain't so.

They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov soaking before they will do to use.

I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse for their nuterness; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry; this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain't fit to hav a nice woman.

Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan't travel az fast az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard tew ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched.

A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and often make the best ov wives.

When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a mown daizy.

Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning into fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a cradle.

The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way from which they are going, or set down on the gra.s.s and whissell sum lively tune till the flirt c.u.ms round.

Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more than even, by making the old bachelors.

A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have a grate quant.i.ty ov the most dainty t.i.tbits ov woman's natur, and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness.

Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel; they hav got tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov their capital at the fust swop.

Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sum more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being manufackterd out ov dissapointed love.

This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man's staying put in the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made up hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich a place whare he knows the water iz over hiz hed, when if he would go a little further up or down the creek, he would find the crossing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to beckon him acrost.

Dissapointed luv must ov course be all on one side, and this ain't enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one pop.

Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they fear the _burden_ ov a family.

This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it; the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the gra.s.shoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing so mutch to the pound.

An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief from anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain't a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are charcole sketches, ov boarding-school misses; he dresses, greases hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits laffed at for hiz pains.

I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years old, and c.u.m very near dieing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a heap; i waz in a lively fever all the time.