The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 86

As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.

If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust cla.s.s missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.

The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.

Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.

Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.

When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.

When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an n.o.bel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew c.u.m back.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a n.o.bel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.

Dont go amung the n.o.bel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.

I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.

Mi plan iz simpli thus,--let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.

Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.

This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.

I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.

This iz mi plan, for n.o.ble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.

Try sum other breed ov human kritter.

Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.

Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull's eye every time.

I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the n.o.bel red man, let them civilize the injuns.

They will do it so that it will stay did.

I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espes.h.i.+ly in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a p.a.w.nee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.

THE CUNNING MAN.

Cunning iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere sk.u.m that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon.

Cunning ain't good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.

The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.

Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain't got the wisdum tew bait it.

Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.

Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man's wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don't use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.

Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inas.m.u.tch az they are alwus watching others.

They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden.

It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much.

Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma.

It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in's and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.

Cunning men's advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov s.h.i.+fts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.

If you don't understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man.

Cunning haz alwus pa.s.sed for wisdum, and will continue on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun.

Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.

But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the gra.s.s, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.

Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.

Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.

It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man he meets.

Cunning men hav manny a.s.sociates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they c.u.m to divide the plunder.

_The Deceitful Cuss._--An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking _Deceit_, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth.

Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly.

These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep's skin.

It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and imagery of love and friends.h.i.+p for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 s.h.i.+llings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.

I hav known men ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.