One-Act Plays Part 97

AMERICAN. In my country we're vurry democratic--but that's quite a proposition.

ENGLISHMAN [_handling coffee-pot, to his wife_]. More?

ENGLISHWOMAN. No, thanks.

GERMAN [_abruptly_]. These fellows--if you treat them in this manner, at once they take liberties. You see, you will not get your beer. [_As he speaks the WAITER returns, bringing the LITTLE MAN's beer, then retires._]

AMERICAN. That 'pears to be one up to democracy. [_To the LITTLE MAN._] I judge you go in for brotherhood?

LITTLE MAN [_startled_]. Oh, no! I never--

AMERICAN. I take considerable stock in Leo Tolstoi myself. Grand man--grand-souled apparatus. But I guess you've got to pinch those waiters some to make 'em skip. [_To the ENGLISH, who have carelessly looked his way for a moment._] You'll appreciate that, the way he acted about my eggs. [_The ENGLISH make faint motions with their chins, and avert their eyes. To the WAITER, who is standing at the door of the buffet._] Waiter! Flash of beer--jump, now!

WAITER. Komm' gleich!

GERMAN. Cigarren!

WAITER. Schon. [_He disappears._]

AMERICAN [_affably--to the LITTLE MAN_]. Now, if I don't get that flash of beer quicker'n you got yours, I shall admire.

GERMAN [_abruptly_]. Tolstoi is nothing--nichts! No good! Ha?

AMERICAN [_relis.h.i.+ng the approach of argument_]. Well, that is a matter of temperament. Now, I'm all for equality. See that poor woman there--vurry humble woman--there she sits among us with her baby.

Perhaps you'd like to locate her somewhere else?

GERMAN [_shrugging_]. Tolstoi is sentimentalisch. Nietzsche is the true philosopher, the only one.

AMERICAN. Well, that's quite in the prospectus--vurry stimulating party--old Nietzsch--virgin mind. But give me Leo! [_He turns to the red-cheeked youth._] What do you opine, sir? I guess by your labels, you'll be Dutch. Do they read Tolstoi in your country? [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

AMERICAN. That is a vurry luminous answer.

GERMAN. Tolstoi is nothing. Man should himself express. He must push--he must be strong.

AMERICAN. That is so. In Amurrica we believe in virility; we like a man to expand--to cultivate his soul. But we believe in brotherhood too; we're vurry democratic. We draw the line at n.i.g.g.e.rs; but we aspire, we're vurry high-souled. Social barriers and distinctions we've not much use for.

ENGLISHMAN. Do you feel a draught?

ENGLISHWOMAN [_with a s.h.i.+ver of her shoulder toward the AMERICAN_]. I do--rather.

GERMAN. Wait! You are a young people.

AMERICAN. That is so; there are no flies on us. [_To the LITTLE MAN, who has been gazing eagerly from face to face._] Say! I'd like to have you give us your sentiments in relation to the duty of man. [_The LITTLE MAN fidgets, and is about to open his mouth._]

AMERICAN. For example--is it your opinion that we should kill off the weak and diseased, and all that can't jump around?

GERMAN [_nodding_]. Ja, ja! That is coming.

LITTLE MAN [_looking from face to face_]. They might be me. [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

AMERICAN [_reproving him with a look_]. That's true humility. 'Tisn't grammar. Now, here's a proposition that brings it nearer the bone: Would you step out of your way to help them when it was liable to bring you trouble?

GERMAN. Nein, nein! That is stupid.

LITTLE MAN [_eager but wistful_]. I'm afraid not. Of course one wants to--

GERMAN. Nein, nein! That is stupid! What is the duty?

LITTLE MAN. There was St. Francis d'a.s.sisi and St. Julien l'Hospitalier, and--

AMERICAN. Vurry lofty dispositions. Guess they died of them. [_He rises._] Shake hands, sir--my name is--[_He hands a card._] I am an ice-machine maker. [_He shakes the LITTLE MAN's hand._] I like your sentiments--I feel kind of brotherly. [_Catching sight of the WAITER appearing in the doorway._] Waiter, where to h--ll is that flash of beer?

GERMAN. Cigarren!

WAITER. Komm' gleich! [_He vanishes._]

ENGLISHMAN [_consulting watch_]. Train's late.

ENGLISHWOMAN. Really! Nuisance! [_A station POLICEMAN, very square and uniformed, pa.s.ses and repa.s.ses._]

AMERICAN [_resuming his seat--to the GERMAN_]. Now, we don't have so much of that in Amurrica. Guess we feel more to trust in human nature.

GERMAN. Ah! ha! you will bresently find there is nothing in him but self.

LITTLE MAN [_wistfully_]. Don't you believe in human nature?

AMERICAN. Vurry stimulating question. That invites remark. [_He looks round for opinions. The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

ENGLISHMAN [_holding out his half of the paper to his wife_]. Swap!

[_His wife swaps._]

GERMAN. In human nature I believe so far as I can see him--no more.

AMERICAN. Now that 'pears to me kind o' blasphemy. I'm vurry idealistic; I believe in heroism. I opine there's not one of us settin' around here that's not a hero--give him the occasion.

LITTLE MAN. Oh! Do you believe that?

AMERICAN. Well! I judge a hero is just a person that'll help another at the expense of himself. That's a vurry simple definition. Take that poor woman there. Well, now, she's a heroine, I guess. She would die for her baby any old time.

GERMAN. Animals will die for their babies. That is nothing.

AMERICAN. Vurry true. I carry it further. I postulate we would all die for that baby if a locomotive was to trundle up right here and try to handle it. I'm an idealist. [_To the GERMAN._] I guess _you_ don't know how good you are. [_As the GERMAN is twisting up the ends of his mustache--to the ENGLISHWOMAN._] I should like to have you express an opinion, ma'am. This is a high subject.

ENGLISHWOMAN. I beg your pardon.

AMERICAN. The English are vurry humanitarian; they have a vurry high sense of duty. So have the Germans, so have the Amurricans. [_To the DUTCH YOUTH._] I judge even in your little country they have that.

This is a vurry civilized epoch. It is an epoch of equality and high-toned ideals. [_To the LITTLE MAN._] What is your nationality, sir?

LITTLE MAN. I'm afraid I'm nothing particular. My father was half-English and half-American, and my mother half-German and half-Dutch.