One-Act Plays Part 98

AMERICAN. My! That's a bit streaky, any old way. [_The POLICEMAN pa.s.ses again._] Now, I don't believe we've much use any more for those gentlemen in b.u.t.tons, not amongst the civilized peoples. We've grown kind of mild--we don't think of self as we used to do. [_The WAITER has appeared in the doorway._]

GERMAN [_in a voice of thunder_]. Cigarren! Donnerwetter!

AMERICAN [_shaking his fist at the vanis.h.i.+ng WAITER_]. That flash of beer!

WAITER. Komm' gleich!

AMERICAN. A little more, and he will join George Was.h.i.+ngton! I was about to remark when he intruded: The kingdom of Christ nowadays is quite a going concern. The Press is vurry enlightened. We are mighty near to universal brotherhood. The colonel here [_he indicates the GERMAN_], he doesn't know what a lot of stock he holds in that proposition. He is a man of blood and iron, but give him an opportunity to be magnanimous, and he'll be right there. Oh, sir! yes.

[_The GERMAN, with a profound mixture of pleasure and cynicism, brushes up the ends of his mustache._]

LITTLE MAN. I wonder. One wants to, but somehow--[_He shakes his head._]

AMERICAN. You seem kind of skeery about that. You've had experience maybe. The flesh is weak. I'm an optimist--I think we're bound to make the devil hum in the near future. I opine we shall occasion a good deal of trouble to that old party. There's about to be a holocaust of selfish interests. We're out for high sacrificial business. The colonel there with old-man Nietzsch--he won't know himself. There's going to be a vurry sacred opportunity. [_As he speaks, the voice of a RAILWAY OFFICIAL is heard in the distance calling out in German. It approaches, and the words become audible._]

GERMAN [_startled_]. Der Teufel! [_He gets up, and seizes the bag beside him. The STATION OFFICIAL has appeared, he stands for a moment casting his commands at the seated group. The DUTCH YOUTH also rises, and takes his coat and hat. The OFFICIAL turns on his heel and retires, still issuing directions._]

ENGLISHMAN. What does he say?

GERMAN. Our drain has come in, de oder platform; only one minute we haf. [_All have risen in a fl.u.s.ter._]

AMERICAN. Now, that's vurry provoking. I won't get that flash of beer.

[_There is a general scurry to gather coats and hats and wraps, during which the lowly woman is seen making desperate attempts to deal with her baby and the two large bundles. Quite defeated, she suddenly puts all down, wrings her hands, and cries out: "Herr Jesu! Hilfe!" The flying procession turn their heads at that strange cry._]

AMERICAN. What's that? Help? [_He continues to run. The LITTLE MAN spins round, rushes back, picks up baby and bundle on which it was seated._]

LITTLE MAN. Come along, good woman, come along! [_The woman picks up the other bundle and they run. The WAITER, appearing in the doorway with the bottle of beer, watches with his tired smile._]

_SCENE II.--A second-cla.s.s compartment of a corridor carriage, in motion. In it are seated the ENGLISHMAN and his wife, opposite each other at the corridor end, she with her face to the engine, he with his back. Both are somewhat protected from the rest of the travelers by newspapers. Next to her sits the GERMAN, and opposite him sits the AMERICAN; next the AMERICAN in one window corner is seated the DUTCH YOUTH; the other window corner is taken by the GERMAN's bag. The silence is only broken by the slight rus.h.i.+ng noise of the train's progression and the crackling of the English newspapers._

AMERICAN [_turning to the DUTCH YOUTH_]. Guess I'd like that winder raised; it's kind of chilly after that old run they gave us. [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs, and goes through the motions of raising the window. The ENGLISH regard the operation with uneasy irritation. The GERMAN opens his bag, which reposes on the corner seat next him, and takes out a book._]

AMERICAN. The Germans are great readers. Vurry stimulating practice. I read most anything myself! [_The GERMAN holds up the book so that the t.i.tle may be read._] "Don Quixote"--fine book. We Amurricans take considerable stock in old man Quixote. Bit of a wild-cat--but we don't laugh at him.

GERMAN. He is dead. Dead as a sheep. A good thing, too.

AMERICAN. In Amurrica we have still quite an amount of chivalry.

GERMAN. Chivalry is nothing--sentimentalisch. In modern days--no good.

A man must push, he must pull.

AMERICAN. So you say. But I judge your form of chivalry is sacrifice to the state. We allow more freedom to the individual soul. Where there's something little and weak, we feel it kind of n.o.ble to give up to it. That way we feel elevated. [_As he speaks there is seen in the corridor doorway the LITTLE MAN, with the WOMAN'S BABY still on his arm and the bundle held in the other hand. He peers in anxiously. The ENGLISH, acutely conscious, try to dissociate themselves from his presence with their papers. The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

GERMAN. Ach! So!

AMERICAN. Dear me!

LITTLE MAN. Is there room? I can't find a seat.

AMERICAN. Why, yes! There's a seat for one.

LITTLE MAN [_depositing bundle outside, and heaving BABY_]. May I?

AMERICAN. Come right in! [_The GERMAN sulkily moves his bag. The LITTLE MAN comes in and seats himself gingerly._]

AMERICAN. Where's the mother?

LITTLE MAN [_ruefully_]. Afraid she got left behind. [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The ENGLISH unconsciously emerge from their newspapers._]

AMERICAN. My! That would appear to be quite a domestic incident. [_The ENGLISHMAN suddenly utters a profound "Ha, Ha!" and disappears behind his paper. And that paper and the one opposite are seen to shake, and little squirls and squeaks emerge._]

GERMAN. And you haf got her bundle, and her baby. Ha! [_He cackles dryly._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. I smile. I guess Providence has played it pretty low down on you. I judge it's acted real mean. [_The BABY wails, and the LITTLE MAN jigs it with a sort of gentle desperation, looking apologetically from face to face. His wistful glance renews the fire of merriment wherever it alights. The AMERICAN alone preserves a gravity which seems incapable of being broken._]

AMERICAN. Maybe you'd better get off right smart and restore that baby. There's nothing can act madder than a mother.

LITTLE MAN. Poor thing; yes! What she must be suffering! [_A gale of laughter shakes the carriage. The ENGLISH for a moment drop their papers, the better to indulge. The LITTLE MAN smiles a wintry smile._]

AMERICAN [_in a lull_]. How did it eventuate?

LITTLE MAN. We got there just as the train was going to start; and I jumped, thinking I could help her up. But it moved too quickly, and--and--left her. [_The gale of laughter blows up again._]

AMERICAN. Guess I'd have thrown the baby out.

LITTLE MAN. I was afraid the poor little thing might break. [_The BABY wails; the LITTLE MAN heaves it; the gale of laughter blows._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. It's highly entertaining--not for the baby. What kind of an old baby is it, anyway? [_He sniffs._] I judge it's a bit--niffy.

LITTLE MAN. Afraid I've hardly looked at it yet.

AMERICAN. Which end up is it?

LITTLE MAN. Oh! I think the right end. Yes, yes, it is.

AMERICAN. Well, that's something. Guess I should hold it out of winder a bit. Vurry excitable things, babies!

ENGLISHWOMAN [_galvanized_]. No, no!

ENGLISHMAN [_touching her knee_]. My dear!

AMERICAN. You are right, ma'am. I opine there's a draught out there.

This baby is precious. We've all of us got stock in this baby in a manner of speaking. This is a little bit of universal brotherhood. Is it a woman baby?

LITTLE MAN. I--I can only see the top of its head.

AMERICAN. You can't always tell from that. It looks kind of over-wrapped-up. Maybe it had better be unbound.