One-Act Plays Part 99

GERMAN. Nein, nein, nein!

AMERICAN. I think you are vurry likely right, colonel. It might be a pity to unbind that baby. I guess the lady should be consulted in this matter.

ENGLISHWOMAN. Yes, yes, of course--I--

ENGLISHMAN [_touching her_]. Let it be! Little beggar seems all right.

AMERICAN. That would seem only known to Providence at this moment. I judge it might be due to humanity to look at its face.

LITTLE MAN [_gladly_]. It's sucking my finger. There, there--nice little thing--there!

AMERICAN. I would surmise you have created babies in your leisure moments, sir?

LITTLE MAN. Oh! no--indeed, no.

AMERICAN. Dear me! That is a loss. [_Addressing himself to the carriage at large._] I think we may esteem ourselves fortunate to have this little stranger right here with us; throws a vurry tender and beautiful light on human nature. Demonstrates what a hold the little and weak have upon us nowadays. The colonel here--a man of blood and iron--there he sits quite ca'm next door to it. [_He sniffs._] Now, this baby is ruther chastening--that is a sign of grace, in the colonel--that is true heroism.

LITTLE MAN [_faintly_]. I--I can see its face a little now. [_All bend forward._]

AMERICAN. What sort of a physiognomy has it, anyway?

LITTLE MAN [_still faintly_]. I don't see anything but--but spots.

GERMAN. Oh! Ha! Pfui! [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

AMERICAN. I am told that is not uncommon amongst babies. Perhaps we could have you inform us, ma'am.

ENGLISHWOMAN. Yes, of course--only--what sort of--

LITTLE MAN. They seem all over its--[_At the slight recoil of everyone._] I feel sure it's--it's quite a good baby underneath.

AMERICAN. That will be ruther difficult to come at. I'm just a bit sensitive. I've vurry little use for affections of the epidermis.

GERMAN. Pfui! [_He has edged away as far as he can get, and is lighting a big cigar. The DUTCH YOUTH draws his legs back._]

AMERICAN [_also taking out a cigar_]. I guess it would be well to fumigate this carriage. Does it suffer, do you think?

LITTLE MAN [_peering_]. Really, I don't--I'm not sure--I know so little about babies. I think it would have a nice expression--if--if it showed.

AMERICAN. Is it kind of boiled-looking?

LITTLE MAN. Yes--yes, it is.

AMERICAN [_looking gravely round_]. I judge this baby has the measles.

[_The GERMAN screws himself spasmodically against the arm of the ENGLISHWOMAN's seat._]

ENGLISHWOMAN. Poor little thing! Shall I--? [_She half-rises._]

ENGLISHMAN [_touching her_]. No, no--Dash it!

AMERICAN. I honor your emotion, ma'am. It does credit to us all. But I sympathize with your husband too. The measles is a vurry important pestilence in connection with a grown woman.

LITTLE MAN. It likes my finger awfully. Really, it's rather a sweet baby.

AMERICAN [_sniffing_]. Well, that would appear to be quite a question.

About them spots, now? Are they rosy?

LITTLE MAN. No--o; they're dark, almost black.

GERMAN. Gott! Typhus! [_He bounds up onto the arm of the ENGLISHWOMAN's seat._]

AMERICAN. Typhus! That's quite an indisposition! [_The DUTCH YOUTH rises suddenly, and bolts out into the corridor. He is followed by the GERMAN, puffing clouds of smoke. The ENGLISH and AMERICAN sit a moment longer without speaking. The ENGLISHWOMAN's face is turned with a curious expression--half-pity, half-fear--toward the LITTLE MAN. Then the ENGLISHMAN gets up._]

ENGLISHMAN. Bit stuffy for you here, dear, isn't it? [_He puts his arm through hers, raises her, and almost pushes her through the doorway.

She goes, still looking back._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. There's nothing I admire more'n courage. Guess I'll go and smoke in the corridor. [_As he goes out the LITTLE MAN looks very wistfully after him. s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up his mouth and nose, he holds the BABY away from him and wavers; then rising, he puts it on the seat opposite and goes through the motions of letting down the window. Having done so he looks at the BABY, who has begun to wail.

Suddenly he raises his hands and clasps them, like a child praying.

Since, however, the BABY does not stop wailing, he hovers over it in indecision; then, picking it up, sits down again to dandle it, with his face turned toward the open window. Finding that it still wails, he begins to sing to it in a cracked little voice. It is charmed at once. While he is singing, the AMERICAN appears in the corridor.

Letting down the pa.s.sage window, he stands there in the doorway with the draught blowing his hair and the smoke of his cigar all about him.

The LITTLE MAN stops singing and s.h.i.+fts the shawl higher, to protect the BABY's head from the draught._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. This is the most sublime spectacle I have ever envisaged. There ought to be a record of this. [_The LITTLE MAN looks at him, wondering._] We have here a most stimulating epitome of our marvelous advance toward universal brotherhood. You are typical, sir, of the sentiments of modern Christianity. You ill.u.s.trate the deepest feelings in the heart of every man. [_The LITTLE MAN rises with the BABY and a movement of approach._] Guess I'm wanted in the dining-car.

[_He vanishes._] [_The LITTLE MAN sits down again, but back to the engine, away from the draught, and looks out of the window, patiently jogging the BABY on his knee._]

_SCENE III.--An arrival platform. The LITTLE MAN, with the BABY and the bundle, is standing disconsolate, while travelers pa.s.s and luggage is being carried by. A STATION OFFICIAL, accompanied by a POLICEMAN, appears from a doorway, behind him._

OFFICIAL [_consulting telegram in his hand_]. Das ist der Herr. [_They advance to the LITTLE MAN._]

OFFICIAL. Sie haben einen Buben gestohlen?

LITTLE MAN. I only speak English and American.

OFFICIAL. Dies ist nicht Ihr Bube? [_He touches the BABY._]

LITTLE MAN [_shaking his head_]. Take care--it's ill. [_The man does not understand._] Ill--the baby--

OFFICIAL [_shaking his head_]. Verstehe nicht. Dis is nod your baby?

No?

LITTLE MAN [_shaking his head violently_]. No, it is not. No.

OFFICIAL [_tapping the telegram_]. Gut! You are 'rested. [_He signs to the POLICEMAN, who takes the LITTLE MAN's arm._]

LITTLE MAN. Why? I don't want the poor baby.

OFFICIAL [_lifting the bundle_]. Dies ist nicht Ihr Gepack--pag?