Oh! Susannah! Part 24

Mrs. O'H. Now, then, Doctor. me an' my friends are all waitin'

upstairs to 'ear the funny story.

Plant. What funny story?

Mrs. O'H. About the Lady and the Water Cure.

Aunt. _(aside)_ The Lady and the Water Cure? That's me. _(jumping up)_ I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell that story!

Mrs. O'H. _(seeing her for the first time)_ And who are you when you're at home? I took you for the doctor. 'Ow dare you come to my 'ouse, dressed in that indecent way? _(crosses C.)_ We're respectable in Marmalade Street--I'm ashamed of my lodger for lettin' you in--'e just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is rint.

Aunt. There is my lawyer--he'll pay your rent.

Plant. Certainly. Come with me, old fireworks!

Mrs. O'H. Thank you, sir--you're a gentleman!

_(Exeunt Plant and Mrs. O'Hara.)_

Aunt. _(alone C.)_ Actually going to make fun of me before a lot of vulgar people to get out of paying his, rent, is there anything he won't do? _(sits in grand-father's chair)_

_(Enter Andrew.)_

Andrew. _(seeing Aunt's cap, mistakes her for the Doctor)_ I say, Dull Boy, where is she? Still in the bath? _(roars)_

_(Aunt does not move.)_

_(aside, Bus. fills pipe, etc.)_ He's got the hump! Poor Jack!

I say, I'm awfully sorry I've got you into such a deuce of a sc.r.a.pe, but you know you distinctly said the old lady wasn't coming till to-morrow.

Aunt. _(aside)_ Old lady!

Andrew. And to-night we said we'd have one jolly good caper for the last. Now, did we say so, or did we not? _(pause)_ You won't speak to me? Well, I dare-say I deserve it, and I'm awfully sorry, but you know if I'd had the slightest notion she'd turn up to-day, I'd never have dressed up like that picture.

Aunt. _(aside)_ Like what picture?

Andrew. But, by George, it was a lark when the old girl came, and you thought she was me dressed up--and you--oh, lor! _(laughs)_

Aunt. _(aside)_ I begin to understand! _(smiles at audience)_

Andrew. _(up stage)_ Oh, don't be so beastly serious, there's no harm done. I'll put matters right with your aunt--you say she's an awfully good sort, and a sailor can always get the soft side of a lady--so come! Give us your hand and say you forgive.

_(Pause--Aunt doesn't move.)_

Oh, come on! _(digs her in the ribs)_

Aunt. _(jumping up)_ Sir!

Andrew. _(staggered)_ Oh, Susannah! _(R. C.)_

Aunt. Sir!

Andrew. I didn't mean you--I always say that--I mean--I'm most awfully sorry--can you forgive me? _(end of sofa)_

Aunt. I can and do, because I'm so delighted to find that I've misjudged Jack, and that you were the real culprit. Pray tell me to whom I am indebted for the unexpected pleasure of my bath?

Andrew. My name's Andrew Merry, I'm Jack's greatest friend.

Aunt. His greatest friend? Are you a lieutenant in the navy?

Andrew. I have that honor.

Aunt. What shall I do? I have it. _(crosses to bathroom)_ I've a great surprise for you--but you must not think any the worse of her--she's here with me--_(opens bathroom door)_ Come in, my dear.

_(Enter Flo.)_

There! _(points to Andrew)_ Kiss him and make it up!

Andrew. Oh, Susannah!

Flora. _(C. aghast)_ Kiss him? I've never seen this gentleman before.

Aunt. Mr. Plant told me you were man and wife.

Flora. Mr. Plant would say anything horrid!

Andrew. Oh, thanks!

Flora. He wants one of his daughters to marry Jack.

Andrew. Does he? Well, Ruby's engaged to me, and Pearl--well, don't worry about her, and as for dear old Jack, he's only cared for one girl all his life. I've never seen her yet--but he's told me more than once that her name was Flora Garden.

Flora. I'll never be jealous again!

Aunt. _(aside)_ Jack's not so bad after all!

_(Andrew crosses r. of table. Enter Aurora dressed very grandly and eccentrically, orange blossoms in her hair and wearing her diamond paste combs--she carries a bundle of clothes.)_

Aurora. _(to Aunt, affectionately)_ 'Ere you are, mum, 'ere's your clothes--auntie! _(hands clothes to Aunt)_

_(Flo. takes them and exits into bathroom.)_

_(calls after her)_ 'Ere, they won't fit you! 'Ow can I thank you? You done it all, mum. The dear doctor's never give me the slightest encouragement of a word or a look.

Aunt. _(with blank astonishment)_ He never has?

Aurora. No, mum. It was all a one side, and I should never 'ave 'ooked him if you 'adn't said the word.

Aunt. I breathe again, _(aside)_ Jack's a perfect angel, _(to Aurora)_ I'll see you again, my good girl, before I go.