Approval Addiction Part 10

When I was growing up, I noticed that my father accused other people of doing things he was doing himself. He especially accused people of being s.e.xually promiscuous. This behavior always amazed me because I knew how he was. Not only was he s.e.xually abusing me, but I was aware of his unfaithfulness to my mother with other women. He also frequently accused people of being phony and hypocritical, while he lived a lie. He was suspicious of everyone and trusted n.o.body, and it was because he was so deceptive himself. In his thinking he transferred all of his own problems onto other people, accusing them of what he was doing while making excuses for himself.

When people cannot feel honorable about themselves they always find fault with other people.

THE RESULTS OF REJECTION.

Let's take a look at some of the results of a life that has been rooted in rejection.

INSECURITY.

Insecurity is the number one problem caused by a root of rejection. People who have been rejected do not feel valuable, and that makes them feel vulnerable and unsafe. They fear the pain of being rejected again, so they develop ways to protect themselves from rejection. As we have seen, they may do things like isolate themselves. After all, they cannot get hurt if they don't get involved with anyone. They may become people-pleasers, thinking that if they please people all the time, they will avoid the pain of rejection. They may become caretakers. They may think that if they take care of people and are needed, then they will not experience the pain of rejection. Actually they probably don't consciously think any of these things, but avoiding the pain of rejection is the motivating factor in many of their decisions.

Don't let the way other people treat you determine your worth and value.

Insecurity is a psychological disturbance of epidemic proportion in our society today. Insecure can be defined as being uncertain, lacking in confidence, or shaky. G.o.d wants us to be the exact opposite of all these things. He wants us to be certain, confident, and solid, even when people reject us. Don't let the way other people treat you determine your worth and value.

The Bible teaches us in Isaiah 54:17 that security is part of our inheritance as children of G.o.d. It actually says peace, righteousness, security, and triumph over opposition are our heritage from the Lord.

REBELLION.

Rebellion is frequently rooted in rejection. Rebellious people have experienced the pain of rejection. These people are angry, and their anger is an inner rage that manifests itself in rebellion. They are fed up with being pushed around, and they aren't going to take it anymore!

POVERTY.

It's true: A life of poverty can also be the result of rejection. If people have a poverty image, they do not see themselves as capable of having or enjoying the finer things of life. They admire what others have, but automatically a.s.sume they could never have them. They won't even try for the better jobs, because they feel they are not worthy to have them.

I know people who will never have much of anything simply because of the way they feel about themselves. In conversation they say things like, "I will never own my own home," or, "I will never drive a new car," or, "I could never shop there, because it's not a discount store." When I have asked such people why they think they could not have these things if others have them, they respond by saying, "I'm just not in that cla.s.s; those things are above me."

This type of thinking is all wrong. We are all just people; if we are in a certain cla.s.s, it is because we have relegated ourselves to it or allowed someone else to do so. G.o.d has not a.s.signed His children to an upper cla.s.s, a middle cla.s.s, and a lower cla.s.s. The world may think like that, but G.o.d does not, and we should not either. The promises of G.o.d are for "whosoever will." Whoever will believe in G.o.d and serve Him wholeheartedly can be blessed in any way that anyone else can be blessed. With G.o.d there are no distinctions, and He is not a respecter of persons (See Galatians 2:6; Acts 10:34).

The promises of G.o.d are for "whosoever will.

ESCAPISM.

Escapism is another result we see among people with a fear of rejection. They create their own pleasant world through daydreaming. There is nothing wrong with a healthy daydream or two, but living in a pretend world to escape from the real one is a sign of real mental and emotional problems.

WORKAHOLISM.

I once heard that 75 percent of all world leaders have been abused and have experienced severe rejection.1 When I heard that statistic, I was amazed. It is simply because those who have been abused and rejected work harder than most people to accomplish something important so they will be accepted.

Their abuse and rejection may not have been from their parents; it may have come from a teacher, their peers, or a relations.h.i.+p that was important to them. But whatever its source, it drives them to accomplish something in life for which they hope to be admired and applauded. They feel that they have to prove something, and they spend their life trying to do so.

I can relate to this scenario very well because I was a workaholic. I can still hear my father's voice yelling at me, telling me that I would never be any good and that I would never amount to anything. The more he yelled, the more determined I became to prove him wrong.

I will probably always be a hard worker, because I am motivated by accomplishment. Once I needed it to feel good about myself; now I just want to be fruitful in G.o.d's kingdom and for His glory. I don't like to waste my time. I have lived more of my life than I have left, so I want to make the rest of it count.

People with a painful past are often driven by a need to feel important, to gain acceptance, to attain a sense of security. We may succeed if we work hard, but it will never satisfy us unless G.o.d is behind our success. Ultimately we must know who we are in Him. We must be rooted and grounded securely in Christ and in His love (See Ephesians 3:17 and Colossians 2:7 KJV). We are made acceptable to G.o.d through the Beloved (Jesus) (See Ephesians 1:6 KJV). True acceptance is not found in our accomplishments, but in what Jesus has accomplished on our behalf.

I believe there are people who die much earlier than they should because they live under so much stress that it wears out their body.

If we do not know this truth, we may well be in danger of working ourselves to death. I believe there are people who die much earlier than they should because they live under so much stress that it wears out their body. In general we are a driven people. Very few of us actually live balanced, healthy lives.

We are driven by many things that we will find in the end won't matter after all. The Bible teaches us that we brought nothing into the world, and we will take nothing out of it (See 1 Timothy 6:7). n.o.body on his deathbed has ever said, "I wish I had spent more time at the office." I believe in working hard, but if we are addicted to work, or if we derive our sense of worth and value from it, we need help.

The writers of the Bible were led by the Holy Spirit to repeatedly tell us that our works will not gain us right standing with G.o.d. When we try to do right in life, it should be the result of knowing that we are loved, not an effort to gain love. We should do what we do for G.o.d, but not to get Him to do something for us.

People who derive their sense of worth and value from their accomplishments frequently talk about all they are "doing." They of course never take vacations, and even if they do, they work while on them. They even have a critical att.i.tude toward those folks who like to enjoy life: they view them as lazy do-nothings, people who merely take up s.p.a.ce and add very little to life.

They may have a martyr complex and become greatly offended when people don't notice and applaud all their efforts. The very fact that they seek recognition proves their motives are wrong. I truly pity workaholics. They have very little ability to enjoy life. As I have mentioned, more than likely they will make themselves sick or even shorten their life span. They don't take time to develop close relations.h.i.+ps, and as a result they frequently end up lonely and burned out. The saddest thing I have ever seen is an old man in his eighties, knowing that he does not have long to live, and when he looks back at the life he has lived, all he has is regrets.

Actually, the list of possible results from a root of rejection is endless, so I won't detail anymore. But in the interest of jogging your conscience, here are a few I am aware of: self-pity, guilt, inferiority complex and poor self-image, fears of all types, hopelessness, depression, defensiveness, hardness, distrust and disrespect, compet.i.tion and jealousy, and perfectionism. The main point is that you need to make right choices now so at the end of your life you will have nothing to regret. If you think you can be cla.s.sified as insecure, rebellious, poverty-minded, escapist, or workaholic, you need to consider your motives, realize what is driving you, and make changes.

REJECTION AFFECTS PERCEPTION.

How we see things is affected when we have a root of rejection in our lives. As I have mentioned, rejection-based people often perceive that they are being rejected when they are not. They may feel as if they are being mistreated when in reality they are not. They are very sensitive to the way people make them feel. They are actually overly sensitive.

Before G.o.d healed me in this area, I was very difficult to talk to. Unless Dave totally agreed with everything I said, I became upset. I perceived his disagreement as rejection. I would try to convince him to agree with me so I would feel "fixed." Dave, on the other hand, would feel manipulated, as if he had no right to his own opinion about anything. Dave repeatedly said to me, "Joyce, I'm only giving my opinion. Why do you act like I'm attacking you?" I acted that way because I felt attacked!

Rejection-based people often perceive that they are being rejected when they are not.

This situation caused more than a few problems between Dave and me. I said repeatedly, "We just cannot talk about anything." To which Dave always responded, "Joyce, we don't talk anyway; you talk, and if I do anything other than listen and agree, you get upset."

If you are having trouble communicating with someone, then one or both of you may have the same problem I did. Healthy conversation between two people must include the right to be heard. I mean really heard. Do you listen, or just talk? I talked, and I wanted Dave to listen. I wanted him to agree with me. When he didn't, I stopped listening. At that point I started reacting out of my old wounds of rejection. I felt rejected even though he was not rejecting me. I perceived it that way, so it was that way for me.

I know G.o.d has changed me, because I don't respond to disagreement the way I once did. I can talk, and I can listen. I like agreement, but if I don't get it, I respect other people's right to their own opinion. I don't feel wrong just because they may not agree, but I am open to considering that I might be wrong. Even if my opinion turns out to be wrong, it does not mean something is wrong with me. Learn to separate your opinions and ideas from who you are as a person.

TALK TO YOURSELF.

You can survive rejection, and you need to tell yourself that you can. I am suggesting that you actually talk out loud to yourself, telling yourself, "I can survive rejection." Also let the thought roll over and over in your mind, "I may not be accepted by everyone, but I can survive it."

We all fear rejection too much. Start believing you can survive it, if you need to do so. Jesus was rejected, and He survived. You can too! Value the unconditional love of G.o.d more than the conditional approval of people, and you will overcome rejection.

When I say you will survive, I don't mean that you will just barely make it. I mean that rejection really will not bother you at all. You just need to develop a new att.i.tude toward it. When people have rejected me in the past, I have been hurt and let their att.i.tude toward me control my thoughts for days afterward. When Dave has been rejected, he has simply said, "That's their problem, not mine." What was the difference between him and me? Dave was secure, and I was insecure. It is just that simple! I relied too much on what people thought of me, and Dave didn't care what people thought of him. He has told me that he cannot do anything about what people think; all he can do is be himself.

If you have G.o.d, you have all you need.

If you have had problems in these areas, stop torturing yourself with concern about what people think. You can survive rejection. You will live through it, and when people are finished thinking something unkind about you, they will go on to someone else. You will have the rest of your life left to live, and you can live it without them. If you have G.o.d, you have all you need. If He knows you need anything else, He will provide that also (See Matthew 6:8, 33-34).

I mentioned earlier in the book that some very unkind newspaper articles were written about us. I contacted a man I knew who owns a magazine and has been in the publis.h.i.+ng and newspaper business for many years. I asked him what he thought we should do about the situation. He said, "If I were you, I would ignore it; the whole thing will blow over, and next week they will be picking on someone else." Sure enough, he was right.

We are not responsible for our reputation anyway. G.o.d is! So relax and keep saying to yourself, "I can survive rejection. I am not addicted to approval." Say it over and over until you believe it and are no longer bothered by the way people treat you. When Satan knows he cannot hurt you with rejection, he will stop working through people to bring that type of pain into your life.

In this part of the book, we've looked at some things we must change about ourselves as we begin to break the cycle of approval addiction. In the next section we will focus on some final important truths regarding our wholeness in G.o.d and where we need to be headed in our lives. There is good news for us if we're willing to take those steps!

Chapter 12.

Breaking Controlling Powers

It is offensive to G.o.d when we let other people control us. He sent Jesus, His only Son, to purchase our freedom with His life. The Bible says we have been purchased with a price (See 1 Corinthians 6:20), and that price is the precious blood of G.o.d's only, dearly beloved Son.

If you are letting someone control your lifea"intimidate you, manipulate you, and cause you to do what you know in your heart is not righta"then you need to break those controlling powers. It is not G.o.d's will for us to be controlled by anybody except His Holy Spirit, and even that decision He leaves up to us. G.o.d won't even force His will on us, so we certainly should not let anyone else do it.

Approval addicts almost always end up being controlled and manipulated by other people. Satan always sends someone along their way who is a "user." A user is someone who deviously takes advantage of people for his own benefit without any concern for others.

People who are being controlled are not confronters, and those who are controllers don't like being confronted. These two types of dysfunctional people play on each other's weaknesses. One enables the other.

THE ENABLER.

We need to take some time to discuss the person who is an enabler. We can actually enable people to stay in bondage by continuing to give in to their demands instead of choosing to do what we believe is right for us as individuals.

People will take advantage of you, if you let them. They will be used by Satan to draw you away from what you should be focused on, which is G.o.d's will for you. The most vital thing for any Christian is prompt, hearty obedience to G.o.d. As we have already established, one cannot be a G.o.d-pleaser and a people-pleaser. The two will ultimately end up diametrically opposed to one another.

A woman who attended many of our conferences claimed to have an abusive past that was quite horrible. In our meetings, the woman displayed very disturbing behavior. She was disruptive. She would fall onto the floor, curl up in a fetal position, become wildly emotional when touched, and have to be literally carried out of the meeting.

We always had several people minister to her the best they could, but this pattern continued again and again. I began to dread her arrival any time I heard she was coming. I felt my heart sink when I saw her.

At times I felt bad about my negative feelings. I felt I should help her, but I honestly did not know what to do for her. There were times when she seemed as sane as anyone else, yet at other times she was quite out of control. Or as I discovered later, she was in control! She was not in control of herself, but she was controlling my meetings and my staff with her behavior.

One afternoon as I taught G.o.d's Word to a crowd of several thousand people, this woman began to act the same way she had in the past, only this time she fell out of her chair and lay on the floor between two rows of seats. The attention of everyone for several rows around her was on her. Our staff workers had to get between the rows and try to minister to her. Finally they carried her out again as they had done previously. This of course totally disrupted the meeting. They took her to a private room and prayed for her, but nothing changed.

The most vital thing for any Christian is prompt, hearty obedience to G.o.d.

One of the women who was trying to help her felt in her heart that the woman was putting on an act to get attention, so she took a bold step. She said, "Okay, lady, you can lie here as long as you want. There will be an usher outside the door, but I am going back to my seat; I don't want to miss any more of the teaching." She walked out of the room, stood in a hallway, and watched to see what the woman would do. When the woman thought n.o.body was looking, she got up, walked out the door, and left the building.

The woman was manipulating us to get attention. She had been abused in her past, and she did need help, but at that particular time she was using us, and we were not helping her. As long as we continued to cater to her bizarre behavior, we were enabling her to remain in her trap. Confronting her was the kindest thing we could have done.

At times we feel we are being mean if we confront people who have problems, when in reality "tough love" is what Jesus often used to set people free.

Although Jesus had compa.s.sion for hurting people, He never merely felt sorry for them. And whenever possible he helped them help themselves. He instructed them to take some particular action, and frequently His instructions were shocking. For instance, He told a crippled man to rise, take up his bed, and go home (See Matthew 9:6). He told a man who had just received a report that his daughter was dead not to be afraid (Mark 5:35-36). When Jesus saw a blind man, He spat on the ground, made some mud by mixing dirt with it, and then rubbed it on the blind man's eyes. He then instructed the man to walk to the Pool of Siloam and wash himself in it; when the man did as Jesus had commanded, he was able to see (See John 9:1-7).

Jesus often told people to do things that were not only surprising, but were seemingly impossible.

We see that Jesus often told people to do things that were not only surprising, but were seemingly impossible. How could a crippled man rise, take up his bed, and walk? After all, he was a cripple. How could a man who had just received a report of his daughter's death be expected not to fear? How could a blind man see to get to a certain pool of water when he was blind? Instead of merely feeling sorry for these people, Jesus moved them to action. He helped them get their minds off of themselves and their problems, and He motivated them to do something about them. Jesus was moved with compa.s.sion (See Matthew 9:36 KJV). He was moved to do something besides enable people to stay the way they were.

When Martha wanted Jesus to instruct her sister Mary to get up and help her work, Jesus told Martha that she was anxious and worried about too many things and that Mary was doing what was right in wors.h.i.+ping Him (See Luke 10:38-42). Jesus was straightforward, and He did not enable anyone to remain in deception.

When we fail to confront people who are controlling us, we enable them to stay the way they are.

MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

Don't allow other people to make your decisions for you. You are being very unwise (foolish) if you let others make your choices. The Bible does say there is safety in many counselors (See Proverbs 11:14). It is a good thing to consider what others say, but the final choice must be yours. As the saying goes, "To thine own heart be true"; otherwise, there can no real happiness.

Being controlled and manipulated steals your joy and peace. It ministers death to your spirit, your mind, your emotions, and every other part of your life. G.o.d said, "I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).

If you are going to choose life, then you must also choose to confront those people in your life who try to control you. People will actually respect you if you have borders in your lifea"areas you let them into and areas you do not let them into.

Dave and I run Joyce Meyer Ministries together as codirectors of the ministry. We both have strong personalities and frequently give one another advice. I receive advice from Dave in every area except what I am teaching in our conferences and on television. I know I must receive that information from G.o.d's Spirita"and not Dave or othersa"if it is to be anointed. I am a mouthpiece for G.o.d, and as such I must be led by Him in what I teach.

Dave has his own areas of expertise. He was in the engineering field prior to entering full-time ministry. When we built our ministry headquarters, he was very involved in the process because he understands that area. On a few occasions I tried to give him advice about something concerning the structure of the building, and he politely told me I should let him handle the building since that was his field.

We each receive advice from the other, but we have our borders, and we respect each other for it.

WHAT ABOUT SUBMISSION TO AUTHORITY?.

The Bible teaches us to submit to authority (See 1 Peter 2:13). We are to submit to civil authority, church authority, employer authority, parental authority, and spousal authority. A rebellious att.i.tude is one of the worst att.i.tudes we can have. If we will not submit to man's authority, we will not submit to G.o.d's authority either.

However, the question always arises, "What if the authority I am under is unfair?" In some ways that is a hard question to answer simply because we frequently feel anything we don't want to do is unfair. G.o.d does not want nor does He expect us to be abused. But we may have to endure some things we feel are unfair.

The Bible says, "One is regarded favorably (is approved, acceptable, and thankworthy) if, as in the sight of G.o.d, he endures the pain of unjust suffering" (1 Peter 2:19). Unjust things may happen to us in this life, but G.o.d is just, and He will always make wrong things right, if we are patient and put our trust in Him. Our suffering does not make G.o.d happy, but when we continue to do what is right even if it means we have to suffer, that does please G.o.d.

I believe the key phrase in this Scripture is "if, as in the sight of G.o.d." In other words, we should endure the pain of unjust suffering for G.o.d, not necessarily because we want to. The verse prior to the one I quoted above is specifically talking about submission to authority that may be unkind and unreasonable. So if we endure unjust suffering from an authority that is unkind or unreasonable, for the sake of G.o.d and His kingdom, it pleases Him.

For example, a person may be led by the Holy Spirit to remain on a job where he is not treated fairly in order to be an example to unbelievers of the proper way to behave in such a situation. Or a person may be the only believer in Jesus Christ at his company, and the Holy Spirit may lead him to remain there in order to be a light in an otherwise dark place. All too frequently we are more concerned about our own personal comfort than we are about bearing good fruit for the kingdom of G.o.d. If being in the will of G.o.d means enduring some personal suffering or discomfort, we should not be afraid of it. Anything we do for G.o.d ultimately brings a reward. G.o.d always vindicates us and brings justice into our lives, but there are times when we must endure things that seem unfair at the moment.

What if the authority I am under is unfair?

There are also times when we should not endure; instead, we should confront. Discerning when to endure and when to confront is the real key to success and fulfillment in this area. I cannot give you exact direction on this subject. There is a time to do nothing and a time to do something. Each of us must seek G.o.d and be sensitive to follow His leading.

Some people are so timid, they endure longer than they should. They become a doormat for other people to walk on. As a result, they spend their lives being mistreated. Other people confront too quickly and too often. These people need to learn the dynamics of standing still and waiting on G.o.d.

People may think they are free when they refuse to submit to anyone, but they are actually in great bondage. True freedom is being free not to exercise a freedom if exercising it would not be good for all concerned. Love is the highest law in G.o.d's kingdom, and the apostle Paul stated in Romans that if what we do causes our brother to be pained or hurts his feelings, then we are not walking in love (See Romans 14:21). Paul also said he was free to do anything he wanted to do, but he was also free to discipline his personal desires for the good of the kingdom (See 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 9:22).

Love is the highest law in G.o.d's kingdom.

As Christians, we may say we are free to do whatever we want to; however, when it comes to living in community with others, this type of philosophy simply does not work. When one person in a group or society controls everyone else, it is called a dictators.h.i.+p, not a family or a community. The only one who thinks he is happy is the dictator, and even he eventually discovers he is not happy either. G.o.d created us to live and work together in love and unity; without love and unity nothing else will ever work properly.

Let's look at some of the areas in which we are often challenged by negative authority.

WORK.

When a boss demands so much of an employee that it is ruining his home life, his spiritual life, and perhaps his health, that employee is not being rebellious if he confronts the boss and states plainly what he can and cannot do. He actually would be guiltier if he did not confront than he would be if he did confront.

G.o.d expects a person to put his marriage, his family, his home, his spiritual life, and his health before his job. If he loses his job as a result of proper confrontation, then G.o.d will help him get a better one. It is sad when a person lives in so much fear of the loss of money and reputation that he allows himself to lose his health, the respect of his family, and a good relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. If you have been allowing someone to control you, you should ask yourself what price you are paying to have that person's approval.

As I mentioned previously, I once worked for a man who required way too much from his employees. He was a Christian leader, and I respected him greatly. In the beginning, I just a.s.sumed that whatever he told me to do must be what G.o.d wanted me to do. But after a period of time I began to realize that my life was seriously out of balance because of trying to meet all of my boss's requirements in order to keep my job.