Approval Addiction Part 9

We need each other!

Moses' father-in-law suggested that Moses delegate some of his authority to others. He said Moses should let them make the less important decisions and Moses should deal only with the hard cases. Moses did what his father-in-law suggested, and it enabled him to endure the strain of his task. And the others had the benefit of a sense of accomplishment for the decisions they made on their own.

Many people either complain all the time about what they are expected to do or they end up falling apart emotionally and physically because they won't let anyone help them do anything. They don't think anyone is as qualified for the job as they are. It is easy to think you are more important than you actually are. Learn to delegate. Let as many people help you as possible. If you do, you will last a lot longer and enjoy yourself a lot more.

"I FEEL I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO MORE"

Comparing ourselves with other people often causes us to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves. If we observe in our comparison that they can do more things than we can, or that their endurance is greater than ours, we often feel we should be able to do more. Because we feel guilty, we may push ourselves beyond our reasonable limits and end up sick and unhappy.

We are all different, and we all have different limits.

Know yourself, and don't feel bad if you cannot do what someone else can do. Even our G.o.d-given temperaments help determine what our limits in life will be in various areas.

I know someonea"I'll call her Pata"who was married and had three children. She was a full-time mother and homemaker, but unless she had help cleaning her home once a week she struggled to get everything done and remain peaceful.

Pat had a friend named Mary who was also married and had five children. Mary worked outside the home two days a week and did all her own housework, cooking, and laundry with no outside help. Actually it seemed Mary was more peaceful and less temperamental than Pat, even though she had more to do.

Learn to delegate.

Pat felt very bad about herself because she just could not seem to get everything done without help. In her thoughts and conversations, she constantly compared herself to Mary. She felt she should be more like her.

Mary's temperament was easygoing, the "cast your care" type. Her att.i.tude was, "If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow." Pat, on the other hand, was very melancholy, a borderline perfectionist who wasn't comfortable unless everything was in order.

We really cannot control what temperament we are born with; that is G.o.d's choice. We can work with the Holy Spirit to achieve balance, but basically we are what we are. I will always be a type-A, strong-willed, leaders.h.i.+p-type person. In fact, most of the time I am type A+. Dave will always be more easygoing than I am, but that does not mean I have to strive to be like him. I may learn some things from his example, but I still have to be the basic person G.o.d created me to be.

Pat put herself under so much pressure that she became difficult to get along with. She carried a burden of guilt most of the time, and it started affecting her mood and her health. She finally got help through a book she read that helped her understand we are all different, and that is perfectly acceptable.

Some people do things faster than others, but the slower person may do them more neatly. Each of us must do what we are comfortable with. It was not wrong for Pat to need a housekeeper once a week and Mary not need one.

I am sure that in some other area, Mary had some needs that Pat did not have.

Just be yourself, and don't pressure yourself to perform exactly the way others do.

Don't pressure yourself to perform exactly the way others do.

Pat felt she should be able to do more because she saw Mary do more, but the fact was that she could not do more and maintain her composure. That was not a weakness in her; it was just the way she was put together by G.o.d. She did not need to be able to do what Mary did in order to approve of herself. She felt Mary was judging her, when in reality she was judging herself and Mary hadn't thought anything about it.

Concern about what people may be thinking of us often controls us. We are excessively concerned about what people are saying about us. We a.s.sume people are thinking certain critical things when the truth is they were not thinking about us at all!

When we seek favor and acceptance from our critics, we lose confidence or stray from the path of healthy choices.

Stand up to your critics or you will end up being controlled. The apostle Paul had plenty of critics, but he did not let their opinions control him; neither did Jesus.

G.o.d has not given and never will give someone else the job of running your life.

Do the best you can, be the best "you" that you can be, and do not feel you should be able to do more just because someone else does more. And remember a strong confidence in G.o.d and your own ability to hear from G.o.d and being led by the Spirit are the antidote. G.o.d has not given and never will give someone else the job of running your life.

DISHONESTY IS A SYMPTOM OF PEOPLE-PLEASING.

Let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. (Ephesians 4:15) People-pleasing behavior can be quite dishonest. The Bible says we are to be truthful in all things; we are to speak the truth, love the truth, and walk in the truth. But approval addicts often tell lies because they fear people won't accept the truth. They say yes with their mouth while their heart is screaming no. They may not want to do something, but they act as if they do for fear of displeasing someone. If they ever do say no, they usually make an excuse for why they cannot do what is being asked of them. They won't tell the truth, which may be simply that they just plain don't want to do what they are being asked to do. They may not feel it is the right thing for them to do.

Sometimes we don't feel peaceful about a certain thing, and we don't have any idea why. The Scriptures teach us to follow after peace; it is one of the ways G.o.d leads us.

We should be able to say to people, "I don't have peace about making that commitment right now," and they should graciously receive that answer, but it rarely happens.

I was talking with a fellow minister recently. The man is quite humorous and very bold. He related how another minister had called him with a request for him to appear on his television show. My friend told the man that he could not do so because he had a prior commitment. The man responded that his prior commitment could not possibly be as important as coming on his television show and suggested that he break the previous commitment, to which my friend responded, "I don't want to."

His truthful response ended the conversation immediately. If we would just be bold enough to speak the truth, we could save ourselves a lot of time and trouble.

We don't want to be rude, but neither do we want to be liars. Most people-pleasers are not honest about their desires, feelings, and thoughts. They tell people what they want to hear, not what they need to hear. A healthy relations.h.i.+p demands honesty. Some people may not want to hear truth, but that does not relieve us of the responsibility to speak the truth.

AN EXAMPLE FROM THE LIFE OF KING SAUL.

Saul was anointed to be king of Israel. He had an opportunity to enjoy a great and glorious future, but he had some weaknesses in his character that proved to be his undoing (See 1 Samuel 9-31).

Saul was a people-pleaser. He loved the approval of people so much that he disobeyed G.o.d's instructions in order to get it. G.o.d instructed Saul to wait until the prophet Samuel arrived to offer up the evening sacrifice. When Samuel didn't arrive at the time Saul and the people expected he would, the people became restless and impatient. Although Saul knew in his heart that he was being disobedient, he went ahead and offered the sacrifice that he had been forbidden to offer. Later when Samuel arrived, he asked Saul why he had done so. Saul's reply was, "Because I saw that the people were scattering from me" (1 Samuel 13:11). In response, Samuel told Saul, "You have done foolishly! . . . Now your kingdom shall not continue" (vv. 13-14). Saul was so addicted to approval that he lost his kingdom because of it.

G.o.d brought David into Saul's life to minister to him. Saul recognized the anointing and favor of G.o.d on David's life. When the people showed approval of David, Saul became jealousa"so jealous, in fact, that he repeatedly tried to kill David. His need for approval was so great he was even willing to murder to prevent someone else from having more approval than he did. Thank G.o.d few people let their need for approval go this far.

We often "murder" G.o.d's plan for our life in order to get or keep the approval of others.

We may not try to murder people, but we often "murder" G.o.d's plan for our life in order to get or keep the approval of others. Saul tried to do both. He tried to murder David, but instead he "murdered" G.o.d's plan for himself and his kingdom. As a result, Saul ended up being killed himself after having already lost the opportunity to remain king.

There are mult.i.tudes of stories just as sad as this one. Don't let your story be one of them. Don't make the mistake Saul made. Be obedient to G.o.d. Do your best to be all He wants you to be, and do all He wants you to do. Even if people are not cheering, heaven is!

Now that we have taken a look at the characteristic of people-pleasing, let's look at how we can overcome the pain of rejection.

Chapter 11.

Pressing Past Rejection

And whoever will not receive and accept and welcome you nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or town, shake the dust [of it] from your feet. (Matthew 10:14, emphasis mine) Jesus gave instructions to His disciples regarding the handling of rejection. He told them to "shake it off." Basically He was saying, "Don't let it bother you. Don't let it keep you from doing what I have called you to do."

Jesus was despised and rejected (See Isaiah 53:3), and yet He never seemed to let it bother Him. I am sure He felt pain just as you and I do when we experience rejection, but He did not let it prevent Him from fulfilling His purpose.

Jesus told His disciples not to be concerned about rejection because in reality, people who rejected them were really rejecting Him: He who hears and heeds you [disciples] hears and heeds Me; and he who slights and rejects you slights and rejects Me; and he who slights and rejects Me slights and rejects Him who sent Me. (Luke 10:16) The Lord loves His children, and He takes it personally when anyone rejects them or treats them contemptibly. If you are a parent, you know how you feel when anyone mistreats your children. If you are like me, you actually feel their pain and will do anything possible to prevent it.

I recall when my daughter Laura changed schools in about the third grade. She had been attending a Christian school and was transferred to a public school. She experienced major rejection from the children at her new school. I drove by the playground one day about recess time and saw her sitting on a bench all by herself while all the other children were playing. She looked so sad and lonely that it broke my heart to see her.

She would cry in the evenings because she didn't understand why n.o.body liked her. There was no reason for the children not to like her. Rejection was something Satan used to make her feel bad about herself as a person. Laura was a Christian child, and she talked about Jesus freely. The devil did not like it, so he attacked her.

Rejection is one of Satan's favorite tools to use against people. The pain of rejection often causes people to function in fear rather than boldness. Laura soon learned that when she talked about Jesus, the other children made fun of her, and it adversely affected her for a long time.

A SOLID FOUNDATION.

If we start our life rooted in rejection, it is equivalent to having a crack in the foundation of our house. The first home Dave and I built had a crack in the bas.e.m.e.nt, and it caused periodic problems for years. Each time there were storms or heavy rains, the bas.e.m.e.nt leaked, and anything in the path of the water flow got wet. We tried three or four different methods before we were finally successful in getting the crack totally repaired.

People who have experienced rejection in their life are somewhat like our house. Each time there is a storm in their life, everything is a mess, including them. They try different methods to find security, but nothing ever works. They may try people-pleasing to find acceptance. Often they become approval addicts. They live with the emotional pain of rejectiona"or the fear of being rejected, which is often worse than rejection itself.

A solid foundation is the most important part of a building. Without a solid foundation, the building won't last long. Everything else concerning the building is built on the foundation. If the foundation is weak or cracked, nothing that is built on it is safe. It could crumble or fall apart at any time, especially if stress is placed on it by something like a storm or an earthquake.

The Bible encourages people to build their lives on solid rock, not sand. The person who hears the Word of G.o.d and does it is like the man who, in building his house, dug down deep and laid a foundation upon the rock. When the flood waters rose up, the torrent broke against that house and could not shake it or move it, because it had been securely built or founded on a rock (See Matthew 7:24-27).

If we try to build our lives on what people say and think of usa"how they treat us, how we feel, or our past mistakesa"we are building on sinking sand. Before I experienced the healing power of Jesus Christ, my life was like a house built on s.h.i.+fting sand rather than solid rock. My foundation was weak. I was not secure, I did not like myself, and I was filled with guilt and shame from abuse.

I was rooted in rejection, and every relations.h.i.+p I tried to build and every decision I tried to make was affected by it. I feared the pain of rejection and needed to learn that I could survive it if necessary.

By the grace and mercy of G.o.d, I traded that old cracked foundation for a solid foundation, one based on Christ and His love. I am now rooted securely in Him.

The apostle Paul prayed for the church that they would be rooted deep in G.o.d's love: May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love. (Ephesians 3:17) Think about your beginning in life, because it represents your roots. Did you get a good start in life? If not, thank G.o.d you can be uprooted and replanted in Christ. You may not have had a good beginning, but you can definitely have a good finis.h.!.+

THE ROOT OF REJECTION AND ITS RESULTS.

The beginning of any relations.h.i.+p represents its roots. A marriage has roots, a beginning or starting point. Dave and I did not get off to a good start because of all the emotional problems I had at the time. Our first several years were very rough. After I realized I needed help, it took several more years to repair all the damage I had done in the first few years of our marriage. Things got better little by little, but we both had to be patient and refuse to give up.

Dave and I were recently talking about our ministry and what a solid foundation it is built on. From the beginning we made sure we did things with excellence, maintained integrity, and kept the strife out of our life and ministry. We worked patiently with our employees to build into them the same principles that we had adopted and applied to our own lives and ministry. At this time we have our office in the United States, plus offices in South Africa, Australia, Brazil, Canada, England, India, Russia, and the Middle East. How can we possibly keep up with so much? We have a solid foundation, one that is built on G.o.d, His Word, and His principles. Had we not taken the time and effort necessary to build a good, strong foundation, we could not maintain such a ma.s.sive work.

It is G.o.d's will that you be rooted securely in love and acceptance.

Foundations are extremely important. How is yours?

Are you rooted in shame, or rejection? Were your roots established in fear? It is G.o.d's will that you be rooted securely in love and acceptance; if you are not, you need emotional healing.

The word reject can be defined as to refuse, to throw away without value. Absolutely none of us want to feel like we are being thrown away as if we have no value. We all want to be noticed and accepted.

The word root can be defined as the starting point, the first growth from the seed. Seeds are buried and germinate, and roots develop and burrow down into the ground before the branches and fruit are seen above the ground. The quality of all fruit is affected by the roots that provide them support and nourishment. I have learned that rotten fruit equals rotten roots, and good fruit equals good roots. When we see bad fruit in our own life or other people's lives, we should realize it is coming from a bad root.

When people display bad behavior, rarely do they understand why they behave the way they do. If they cannot understand it, they certainly cannot change it. For many years of my life when I behaved badly, people said to me, "Why do you act that way? Why do you respond that way?" Their questions frustrated me because I did not have the answers. I knew my behavior was odd, confusing, and unstable, but I didn't know what to do about it. Most of the time I just blamed it on someone else or made excuses. I responded defensively to anything that even remotely seemed to be in disagreement with me. I did so because I already felt so wrong about myself that I couldn't face being wrong about anything else.

I responded fearfully to many situations, some of which made no sense at all. For example, if Dave would pull into someone's driveway to turn the car around, I became frantic, especially if he had to wait for other cars to pa.s.s by behind us before he could complete his turn. I said things like, "You shouldn't turn around in other people's driveways; the homeowners won't like it!" Or, I might say, "Hurry up and get out of here!"

Dave would say in bewilderment, "What is wrong with you? I'm just turning the car around. People use other people's driveways to turn around all the time."

For many years I did not understand why I reacted the way I did until G.o.d showed me that I was reacting to the situation based on how I thought my father would have felt about someone turning around in his driveway, which would have been angry. I was afraid the homeowners would come out the front door and yell at us the way my father would have done. I had such a deep-seated fear of rejection in my life that it caused me to react fearfully to many situations that seem very ordinary to an emotionally healthy person.

There were other similar situations that I reacted to based on past experience. I had no frame of reference other than the way I was raised. I had rotten, diseased roots, and therefore, I had bad fruit.

Do you have any behavior in your life that seems really weird? If so, have you ever wondered, "Where did that come from?" or "Why do I act that way?" I hope it helps you to realize that your fruit is a product of your roots. If you have bad rootsa"roots that were sown in rejectiona" you will need to be uprooted out of that bad soil and replanted in the love of G.o.d and the truth in His Word. The good news is, "There is hope." If you feel trapped in behavior that you don't understand, do not despair. The Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth. He will help you stop reacting to old situations and teach you to act on G.o.d's Word. He will give you an entirely new root system, one that will produce good fruit for His kingdom.

The good news is, "There is hope."

The Bible states in John 3:18 that for those who believe in Jesus there is no judgment, no condemnation, and no rejection. Jesus gives us freely what we struggle to earn from people and never seem to get: freedom from judgment, condemnation, and rejection!

When I became a student of G.o.d's Word, I started really desiring change in my behavior. Sometimes I was successful in cutting off one type of bad fruit (behavior), but another would immediately pop up, which frustrated me even more. I felt that no matter how hard I worked to get rid of one thing, another one took its place. It really helped me when I finally understood that my bad fruit was coming from a bad root. Another way of saying it is that my unacceptable outward behavior was coming from something unacceptable inside me.

My thoughts were wrong: about people, myself, circ.u.mstances, my past, my future, et cetera. I was very insecure, but I masked my feelings in a phony, bold approach to life that actually caused me to come across to others as harsh and hard. At that time I didn't understand why most people seemed to be offended by me, but now I do.

Have you ever been around people who outwardly seemed to "have it all together," so to speak, yet you just knew deep down inside that something was not right about them?

I recall a man (I'll call him Joe) who was a slick talker. He could have sold honey to bees. He appeared to be very confident. Actually, he was so confident that he was frequently accused of being haughty and prideful. He could cry crocodile tears at just the right moments, appearing to have tremendous compa.s.sion for hurting people. He had great vision and progressive ideas and was able to motivate people.

Joe became involved in youth ministry, and soon many teenagers admired him and became dependent on him for advice and teaching. Everything about him appeared to be right, but something about him felt wrong. The young people were almost too attached to him. They bordered on idolizing him.

On the outside, in public, everything seemed to be fine, but at home, behind closed doors, his marriage was in serious trouble. He, of course, always blamed it on his dysfunctional wife. She had deep problems, he said. As it turned out, he became involved with one of the young girls in the youth group, and a trail of lies a mile long was uncovered that had existed for years.

This man's father was one who was difficult to please, so Joe always felt rejected by him. His father pressured him to be something he did not know how to be. Therefore he had deep-rooted insecurities. He was trying to function in leaders.h.i.+p with a deep root of rejection in his own life.

On the surface he appeared to be anything but insecure, yet he was totally insecure. His security and confidence came from other people's dependence on him, like the youth he oversaw, and from being able to do well in business. Like so many of us, he was deriving all his sense of worth and value from outward things rather than from G.o.d.

Many people today have developed phony personalities in which they function. They pretend to be whatever they think people will admire. It is very important to have discernment where these people are concerned. When things appear to be right, but they feel all wrong down deep inside, I recommend not getting involved too quickly. Take time to see how people act in all kinds of situations. They may talk a good game, but see if their walk matches their talk. People may have problems that are not their fault, but we cannot allow ourselves to be deceived by them. We cannot help them if we merely get into their trap with them.

Many people today have developed phony personalities.

After Joe fell into sin and was exposed, numerous people said they had realized for a long time that something just wasn't right where he was concerned. They had caught him in lies, but just let it go; they had thought he might be involved with the young girl in question, but they didn't want to accuse him; they had recognized that he fed on being the center of attention, but they overlooked it.

Once again we see a situation in which n.o.body wanted to be the one to confront a situation, and as a result, in the end many people were devastated emotionally and spiritually. Instead of exposing and confronting the wrongs they saw in Joe, people simply got into his trap with him, and in the process they became trapped themselves. Joe was like a spider weaving a web.

Everyone got swept up in his charismatic personality, and before they knew it they were caught.

No matter how good things may look outwardly, if they are not right on the inside, sooner or later they will be revealed on the outside. Anything we don't deal with will ultimately deal with us.

THE FEAR OF REJECTION.

The fear of rejection is often worse than actual rejection. Fearing rejection all the time is more tormenting than just dealing with it on the occasions when it does occur. Fearing it certainly won't prevent it and may actually open a door for it.

The fear of rejection is rampant, and loneliness is one of the most dangerous and widespread problems in America today. It is well-doc.u.mented that loneliness has reached epidemic proportions and continues to spread. Lonely people share a common symptom: a sense of despair at feeling unloved and a fear of being unwanted or unaccepted.

The fear of rejection leads people into superficial relations.h.i.+ps or isolation. It affects their ability to give and receive love. The fear of rejection may cause a person to withdraw his love from someone he genuinely cares for. Why? He would rather reject than be rejected. He would rather think that ending the relations.h.i.+p is his choice rather than the other person's. Remembering past rejection, people often fear becoming too close. They think about how they would feel if they were rejected and believe the pain would be too much to bear. They prefer the pain of isolation and loneliness, which only leads them to a greater need for acceptance.

Loneliness is one of the most dangerous and widespread problems in America today.

In our own lives, we observe a vicious cycle. We want acceptance, but we fear rejection, so we isolate ourselves. Isolation only increases our need for acceptance, so we try to reach out to others, and end up repeating the same cycle again and again.

The fear of rejection only exists because we base our selfworth on the opinions of others rather than our relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. Most of those who are critical of us are actually people who have a poor self-image themselves. They avoid the pain of how they feel inside by finding things wrong with other people and concentrating on their imperfections. Hurting people hurt people. It may help you to remember this truth when you are experiencing rejection or criticism. No wonder G.o.d tells us to pray for our enemies. They are in much worse condition than we are!