The Punster's Pocket-book Part 14

Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present."

Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way to _make them green_!"

DR. BROWN'S TOAST.

Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter filling his gla.s.s, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your favourite _toast_." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for myself, I have already _toasted_ her too long without being able to make her _Brown_."

R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P.

"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as formerly, you will shortly see them applying _opodeldoc_ to their wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "_Steer's_ of _Cow_-lane."

R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.

The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared Mr. Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage _screw_ lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he has left his card and _name_ behind him."

ARNOLD AND PEAKE.

A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera, was an _ill-tempered_ man, but a _fortunate_ one, Charles Westmacott replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his _cash_ and _success_ to _pique_." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)

PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN"

Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not _run_ according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you expect a _stout man to run in such very hot weather_?"

CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.

The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where there was an _electric eel_, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A _shock-ing one_."

THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.

Mr. Canning seeing a certain n.o.bleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your _skull_ you could always keep your _head above water_."

BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN.

_Simplicity_ v. _Wit_.

A country b.o.o.by boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his gla.s.s, said, "My service to you, Mr.

_Wise-acre_!"

DENNIS THE PUNSTER.

_Tria juncta in uno._

Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in the following manner: "If _Good_ be the better half of thy name, it is so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction with thy friend _John_, thou hast helped to make such a n.o.ble copy of verses that they ought to be engraven on _stone_. I would have given steel the preference, if a certain person did not _Mar_ your works, so _shall_ say no more of the matter."

W. R. V.-ANA.

THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER.

"A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, _punning_, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly ent.i.tle him to.]

Some one observed, "_Matches_ are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he, "and they are very often _dipped_ in the other place."

Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingrat.i.tude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each was _a-verse_ to ingrat.i.tude."

A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the n.o.bleman who was shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the punster--"_You-go-lean-O!_" was the reply.

"A tailor is the _ninth part_ of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's _no part_ at all."

"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak from _experience_," was the _stopper_ to this _vinegar cruet_.

Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the _bell_, the _Bell_ would now _answer_ him.

One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the Science of Single Stick, with _wood cuts_."

A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his _chop_ at _Hatchett's_."

A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the _desert hair_."

A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's _lock-jawed_?"

"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that _tie_'s something new."--"Yes; it's a _novel-tie_."

He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our _falling out_."

Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a _weight is off my mind_."

"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one day. "Don't you like it?--I do: indeed I'm quite _wrapped up in it_."

The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if it was a _city cut_. "No," answered he, "it's a _west-cut_."

Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine gla.s.s: the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently let it fall--"Zounds! I did not ask you for a _tumbler_!"

Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing _new_ or _good_ now-a-days: Waterloo bridge is a _catchpenny_, Hersch.e.l.l's telescope _all my eye_, the steam engine _a bottle of smoke_, and the safety-coach _a complete take in_."

Bearcroft the cla.s.sic observed to him, that learning was _pabulum animi_, food of the mind. "Yes," replied he, "and that's the reason, I suppose, the collegians wear _trencher_ caps."