The Punster's Pocket-book Part 15

On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him: a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following impromptu:

"Whether in peace or war, If hostile dangers frown, It is the soldier's care To guard his Monarch's _crown_."

He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain n.o.bleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a _t.i.tle_," was the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been _peer-less_."

On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they should refuse him "_even a major-ity_."

Being proposed a member of the Phnix Club, he asked when they met:--"Every Sat.u.r.day evening during the winter."--"Then," said he, "I shall never make a Phnix, for "_I can't rise from the fire_."

[Ill.u.s.tration]

NORBURYANA[21];

CONTAINING

A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S _BEST PUNS_,

Pure as Imported.

THE PUNNING LAWYERS.

The counsel archly crack their joke On every word the witness spoke; The Jury, laughing, like the fun, And Norbury sums up with a _Pun_.

[21] Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.

A good _Pun_ has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good _plea_; and not unusually has proved successful with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more weighty arguments of _precedents_ and _rejoinder_, would only have produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is after the last _good thing_ of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to encounter a _new pun_, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without _game_ for the morrow; for _pun-less_, he is quite as miserable as if he was _penny-less_; and if he cannot _crack_ a new joke at the club, he is like to go _cracked_ himself with vexation in consequence.

It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual under whose cognomen they are surrept.i.tiously launched forth into public life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the _Four Courts_ of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the _broad_ and _narrow Courts_ of London, at the Fives _Court_ or the Tennis _Court_, the King's _Court_, or the _Courts_ of law and equity, are all heaped upon the _great original_, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence, as many _sins_ of this sort to bear with, as any _criminal_ that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the _n.o.ble Punster_, only, the _legitimate offspring_ of his _own_ creation; or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his witty family.

LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO

Is, "_Right can never die_;" then, said his lords.h.i.+p, punning thereon, "_right_ must be _left_ for ever."

AN AMOROUS PUN.

"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Gla.s.s," replied the barrister. "_Gla.s.s!_" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press such a _gla.s.s to my lips_!"

THE JOKER'S RETORT.

The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only afforded his Lords.h.i.+p an opportunity for a supplemental criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an _Irish stick_ to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lords.h.i.+p's career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish.

PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.

The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of _Bully Egan_, from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration of the n.o.ble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when the opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the n.o.ble Marquis, by way of _post obit_, and to heap all those maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically dead, to _pencil_ his epitaph;" and this he did in such coa.r.s.e and ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan, _penciling with a pickaxe_.

TIME AND ETERNITY.

On pa.s.sing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of privately stealing a _time piece_, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, that he had been _grasping_ at _time_, and caught _eternity_.

THE Ca.n.a.l AND LOCKS.

Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs G----, how d'ye do?--how goes on your _water ways_?--I must come and take a view of your little _ca.n.a.l_ and _locks_."

DROPPING THE SUBJECT.

A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pa.s.s against him--"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The _subject_ may _drop_," replied his lords.h.i.+p.

JAM SATIS.

A gentleman helping his Lords.h.i.+p to some pie made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have some more fruit? "_Jam satis_," replied the punster.

THE CRITICS CURTAILED.

"Lord Byron calls his abusers _dogs_," said a friend to Lord Norbury; "No doubt he wishes them and their censures _cur-tailed_," was the reply.

SHAKE-SPEARE.

Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared to jolt him very much, his Lords.h.i.+p could not help observing it. "He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be _Shake-speare_, then,"

retorted his Lords.h.i.+p.

KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.

Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so offensive to the King James's party. James, the next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend to _King_,--_James_."

CURLED HAIR.

Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattra.s.s-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your Lords.h.i.+p," said the good woman, with great _naivete_, "there's _no curled hair_ to be had now in Dublin, neither for _love nor money_." "By the powers above," replied his Lords.h.i.+p, looking amorously, "but it was very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a _curly boy_."

TRIAL OF A HORSE.