The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth Part 3

"'I'll do that,' I replied, and just when I was getting the story fixed square, he interrupted me by saying--'One moment, Mr. Smooth; we are going to have a flounder breakfast--it's the same old fellow you saw Uncle Jeff and Guth cooking yesterday morning,--they've got him pretty well browned--You must join us.'

"'Well,--have no objection; but tell us, General, how is the missus?'

"'Right well, Smooth; she'll be delighted to see you.'

"'And so will I to see the missus; I know'd her when she warn't bigger nor Cousin Obadiah's Jane, and didn't think no more about being Mrs. President of these United States nor my missus.' In answer to which, the General said a respectable man might as well be President as anything else--we all know how to be. Here we joined arms, and like jolly fellows of a stripe, took a few turns up and down the apartment. 'Well! here's pure democracy,' thought I to myself. Taking Mr. President Pierce's arm doubled my independence--made me feel that I was the left wing of his brightest hope. Having talked over a few small matters of foreign policy, we sauntered together into one of the largest, and longest, and handsomest breakfast rooms this side of Texas. A table of great length stretched across its centre, upon which was arranged in profusion, Georgia potatoes, New Hamps.h.i.+re bacon, Virginia oysters and fried eels, South Carolina rice cakes, and Cape Cod fish b.a.l.l.s--all strong incentives to the stomach of a hungry politician. Trim waiters stood round, like statues tailored and anxiously waiting a guest's nod. As I cast a bird's eye glance down the scene, in popped the General's missus, all calm, and with an air of motherly gentleness that inspired me with lofty reflections on woman's mission. As she approached with her hand extended, and such a sweet smile on her face, I could not resist a salutation thus earnest, and grasping it, gave it a good, warm-hearted shake. She said great was her joy at seeing Mr. Smooth--plain Solomon Smooth. She could not feel more joy were I an Emperor--no not even were I a governor of Hungary, who, having lost the chance of winning a diadem, would Uncle Sam lent him aid to regain it. In another minute the gong sounded, the great doors at the opposite end of the hall opened, a train of serious-faced gentry entered, and as unceremoniously took seats. Mr.

Smooth being put down number one, took a seat beside the missus. After a blessing had been dispensed, the conversation turned on politics and potatoes. A potent-looking individual, who sat not far down the table, said the Union was known by its magistracy, which being an established fact, should make it inc.u.mbent that no chief of this great and growing nation leave the federal chair unmarked by some bold stroke. 'Good!'

says I, 'Smooth always went in for bold strokes--they are just the things to make outsiders knock under--' Here I was just getting up to make a speech on behalf of manifest destiny, when a gent who ought to have been voted into the army as a regular cried out:--'Keep cool!

keep cool! Mr. Smooth.'

"Scarcely had he ceased speaking, when Uncle Caleb Grandpapa Marcy, Cousin Guth, and good-natured Uncle Dib, and the grindstone-man, Fourney,--all dressed in bright ap.r.o.ns, and white ghost-like night-caps--made their appearance, tugging and puffing at a hand-bier, on which lay the much-talked-of flounder. Jeff, who walked in front with a drawn sword, wheezed, and Grandpapa grunted, and Dib said, 'Carry a steady hand, boys!' and Guth said he would bear up his part, which was the tail part. Staggering along under the load, they brought forth in solemn procession the flounder, and after a good deal of bad diplomacy, laid him, like a stuffed whale, on the table. The General was not quite certain about the catch of this flounder; but as there was nothing like having a dash at things now-a-days,--'here's go into it!' he exclaimed. 'I don't believe that fish is cooked enough,'

retorted John Littlejohn, a statesman of very elastic capacity, who spoke for Uncle Bull, on t'other side of the big pond.

"Looking as if he were about making a longe into him, hit or miss, the General seizes up the big carving-knife (generally used by Grandpapa Marcy) and asks who will have the first bit? The pall-bearers, still retaining their bright ap.r.o.ns and white caps, had taken seats at the table, among the guests. 'It's all for me!' mumbles a sullen voice; no one knew from whence it came. 'It's all for me!--who are you?'

reiterated Mr. Pierce, kicking under the table: 'I believe in my soul it's the black pig, who always pursues unto the death what he considers his!' True enough, there the savage brute was, las.h.i.+ng everybody's legs, and threatening destruction with his wicked mouth. No one knew how he got into the dining-room; but where the good Uncle Sam had anything to eat or give, there he was sure to be, demanding more than his share. After a hard tussle, Grandpapa and Uncle Caleb succeeded in driving him out of the room; albeit, it was only for a time. The unsatisfied animal was always keeping Uncle Sam in a fuss, and the folks about the White House in an uproar. 'That critter is always crying 'Me first!' rejoined Uncle Caleb, who, having lost his white cap in the tussle with the black pig, looked funny indeed.

"'A Cuba flounder!' exclaims the General, who continued to work diligently, his face flushed as crimson, but I as yet he had failed to secure the first slice. It was evident he had made a stroke too bold, and would now be compelled to draw back a little--perhaps to take a few more lessons in the diplomacy of carving. And while the General was trying to get the knife into the neck part, the critter opened its mouth, and gasping looked as if it thought some of swallowing a whole cabinet of philibusteroes.

"'The brute ain't cooked yet--if it don't open its mouth!' proclaimed the General, the hair almost standing on his head, as he reclined back in fright.

"'The critter's going to be generous, I do believe!' chimed in Grandpapa, whose white cap, during the moment of excitement, had fallen over into Mrs. Dobbin's plate; from whence that good-natured lady, in the moment of anxiety, removed it to her lap, and ere she had been served found it near her pretty lips, under the mistaken impression of its being a napkin. Grandpapa, discovering his loss, politely developed the dear lady's mistake.

"'Tell you what it is General; you'll have to be mighty careful, or that Cuba flounder will swallow all the s.h.i.+ners in Uncle Sam's bra.s.s box without yielding anything in exchange,' I insinuated.

"'Not a bit on't!' says Uncle Jeff, going off into a state of excitement: 'Just lend me the carver; I'll put him through;' and seizing the knife from Mr. Pierce's hand, and the steel from Grandpapa's, he was just on the point of making a thrust into the fish, when his mouth again expanded, his fins fluttered, and out came a long roll of paper. 'What on earth is that?' inquired the astonished General, as Jeff unconsciously let the knife fall in fright, and Grandpapa gave an anxious look toward the door, as if to measure the distance between it and his chair,--while John Littlejohn applying his gla.s.s to his eyes, squinted seriously at it. 'He's not just done enough for you yet, gentlemen; I think you had better let him stand awhile,' remarks our Cousin John, rather coolly. 'You cannot republicanize him, unless you change his head and heart; I can tell you that, my good fellows.'

"Uncle Jeff, at Grandpapa's bidding, took up the roll of paper, the text of which Mr. Pierce requested him to read. 'A protest, your Excellency!' said Jeff, the paper vibrating in his nervous hand. 'It says, this is to notify Brother Jonathan, that the extreme largeness of his appet.i.te, insatiate in its demands for my body, shall never be gratified therewith. You are far-seeing, have grown powerful, and are rather a good sort of fellow, Jonathan; but I'm not quite ready to say I should prefer either to belong to your household or provide your table with dainty dishes. The fact is, Jonathan, and you know it, when disposed to think on the square, we are not prepared to denounce our league loyalty and come over to you; common sense might have convinced you of this fact. The world protests against your forcing propensities in this little affair between us. For more than two centuries have I remained at peace; let me so continue. I admit that kings, queens, and courtiers, have feasted on my fatlings, and even discomfited me, and caused much discontent among my people; but even they would rather bear the ills that be than fall victims to your black pig's will.'

"'Well!' interrupted Uncle Jeff, looking suspiciously about the table, 'if he ain't the toughest old flounder I ever did see!'

"'Shouldn't be surprised if you found it so!' replied the fish, his s.p.a.cious jaws opening, and the end of another parchment slowly protruding from his mouth. 'Read that! I must get somebody to help me to eject this instrument.' The General wrested it from its mouth, turned it over and over, and tried and retried to read it. 'It's a protest from John, my Uncle, John Bull and Johnny c.r.a.ppo, which says:--'We, the said John and Louis, having entered into a sublime alliance with our sublime brother of the East, by which one great and mighty power has been concentrated, do humbly beg Mr. President Pierce (for whom we now have and ever hope to entertain the very highest esteem) that he take heed how he dips his fingers into other people's political pies. And, further, while exhibiting so earnest a desire to appropriate the choicest delicacies of his neighbors to the cravings of his black pig, to be a little more modest. Now, we, the undersigned Louis and John, whose names--in alliance have become mightiest among the mighty, are duly convinced of the many inconsistencies, irregularities, and breaches of _good_ faith, together with the many petty acts of tyranny, the mother of this Antilla flounder has been guilty of, to her own disgrace. But greatness should be known by its forbearance with the weak; hence we should bear and forgive. Yea, we admit that her footprints are marked with blood--that her history has numberless pages written in blood--that her arrogance and avarice have blotted out her national virtue, and now work like a battering-ram her downfall. Yet, as arrogance is but another name for weakness, is it not better to brush off than kill the wasp? The principle herein contained we have, in the sublimity of our power, adopted as an example to the nations of the earth. Jonathan! we like your amiability; we esteem you as a keen fellow, who, large of trade, and wise in the ways of a cheap government, may well boast a happy people: bridle, then, the audacity of that southern ambition, lest it betray you into unforseen difficulties. Let peace be the guardian of that commerce now teeming its grandeur and wealth on your sh.o.r.es; and in all kindness, Mr. Pierce, do we speak, when we say,--look to those _things_ you send into foreign lands to represent the quiet grandeur of our inst.i.tutions: send the gentleman whose conduct may be a means to great ends, for ruffians leave their little stains behind.''

"'Well!' exclaimed the General, his large square face reddening with anxiety, as he turned to Uncle Dib and Grandpapa, 'I should call this the insolence of sublime power. Let them try their sublime power on this side of the Atlantic!' Here the General gave his head a significant toss, and wiped his lips as he added,--'_Young America_ can whip the three.' This pithy speech being received with great applause, he reached over his hand, and was about taking mine, when I warmly embraced his, saying--'Give me you yet, General! Messrs. John, Louis & Co., having consolidated their sublime power, must not entertain the idea of making a menace over here. We have no means of questioning the legitimate qualities of this sublime joint-stock company; but we would advise its keeping decidedly cool about matters this side of the big water, lest its stock get to a very low-water mark. This old flounder, nevertheless, is a hard case for cooks, nor in my opinion will he be made softer by that celebrated French cook of yours, whose process is that of too suddenly piling on the charcoal.

In fact, I believe it not untrue that in political cooking a Frenchman is more a man of muss than method. This you, General, might have known before you engaged him to cater for Spanish appet.i.tes. In truth, (it must be told now and then, General), that black pig you so fondly nurse, and which you can neither tame nor make grateful, is sacrificing us to his poisonous litter. And, too, he is dividing his own pen; and when pigs become divided among themselves, refuse to eat out of one trough, and threaten to devour each other, they are sure to become an easy prey to the bore of fractional sovereignity.' With the exception of the General, all listened attentively while I spoke: he, exhibiting little concern, arose with the calmness of moonlight, and was about to make some remarks, as the flounder again opened wide his mouth, which produced a pause. 'You are right,' joined in the flounder; 'that black pig's love of territorial feasts knows no bounds, nor will he stop at that point where justice sets the limit; he will continue his insatiate trade until common sense and generous sentiment interpose and exterminate him. Here is another paper for you--read it! It is the protest of the people of free, enlightened, and happy New England: they protest against being swallowed up in your black pig's bowels!' Again the flounder mechanically closed its mouth.

"'And my old governor across the water will not view with indifference this black brute's ever-threatening disturbances. He watches long, waits patiently, moves cautiously, but enters upon the execution of his plans with monstrous method,' interrupted Littlejohn, who spoke on behalf of his nation, and for the _status quo_ of nationalities in general.

"'I say, neighbor,' rejoins Mr. Sam Blowaway, a leader of the national Young American party, 'pears how, if your old chap over there attempts that game, he'll get himself boots deep into a sc.r.a.pe he'll not find it so easy to claw out on.' And Sam got right up, and looked brimstone at him, straight across the table.

"'I'm methodical, but not easily repulsed: impulsive acts do not const.i.tute valor,' returned John, rising coolly and dispa.s.sionately.

"'Grandpapa Marcy now got up to say a word or two, but Mr. Pierce had the floor, and demanded--Order! Order, gentlemen!--Order in the White House! My boys want to get me into trouble, but I feel that I can yet regulate my own household!' he rejoined, with a peremptory tone that excited surprise.

"'Yes,' replied the flounder; 'I say so too. If you do not keep quiet, and live in harmony among yourselves, I will be the means of swallowing you.' Just at this moment the black pig, with savage grunt, bounded fearlessly into the room and upon the table, where he confronted the flounder with open mouth, overturned the table, smashed all the crockery and pewter, made the uproar and confusion complete.

The pig and flounder fell upon each other, wrestled among the wreck, nor ceased until, like Kilkenny cats, they had nearly devoured their substance. Such a chaos of excitement as followed! Grandpapa and Uncle Jeff ogled one another in fear and trembling, women fainted in the arms of gallant men; the General, covered with fish gravy, cut the more sorry figure, as with thunderstruck countenance he raised his hands to protest to the nation. Meanwhile the guests suddenly disappeared, and Grandpapa seriously damaged the broad disc of his unmentionables; while Uncle Caleb, shaking his sides with laughter, stood his comely figure in the doorway, the thumb of his right hand to his nasal organ, and his fingers making five angles, quizzing the General in his dilemma. Esteeming it rather an ugly situation for Mister President Pierce, for whose dignity I had a special regard, I picked myself up, made an apology, bowed myself to the great door, and left the General to his pig. 'What a mess you have made of it!'

thought I, and straightaway ascended the cupola to watch the nation's emotion.

CHAPTER IX.

MR. SMOOTH CIRc.u.mNAVIGATES THE GLOBE.

"When the nations of Europe give themselves up to the sword, let us aggrandize ours with the arts of peace. This is my talisman. In that commerce which is our nation's pride there is more of greatness than war can give, more of power than armaments can command. It would be well, Uncle Sam, if you pondered over this; because, having your pockets well lined, war could supply numberless valiant sons ready to do the emptying of them. This was a private opinion, which forced itself upon my mind as I (having received a commission as minister in general to Mr. Pierce) engaged pa.s.sage in a s.p.a.cious balloon, with which to navigate this little globe of ours, and report here and there on the condition of our international difficulties. Indeed, some of those difficulties required looking after. And as no man should permit his dignity to take the upward turn when a penny may be turned, I reckoned on turning what I learned to the very best account. That you spend your money very foolishly, Sam, is as true as sunrise; but more than that, you intrust your honor (which is more precious than your gold) to those who are seen abroad only to misnomer us. To counteract this state of things is the primary object of my mission round the globe.

"This I was anxious to impress on General Pierce; but he seemed to have a wavering b.u.mp on his head, and not seeing his way clear, came to the peculiar conclusion that Mr. Smooth had a very novel head, full of novel notions. But he told me, by way of becoming enlightened on the affairs of other nations, to keep a bright look-out, note down the items, and see where we could turn the go-ahead of our people to account. As most of our small disputes were with Mr. John Bull, who was p.r.o.ne to keep open any quant.i.ty of very vexatious questions, Mr. Pierce thought it good policy to make John Littlejohn a fellow voyager with me. It was not a bad idea, seeing that Mr. Pierce had an inward hatred of the Britishers, nor thought a war with them would be the most unpopular thing in the world, inasmuch as it would attach to him the Young American party, which said party might in grat.i.tude render good service to his re-election. Upon this principle Littlejohn's company was acceptable; and when he joined me at the National we had a social bit of a chat together about the matter. John was not a bad fellow when once you knew how to take him, but he had qualities of character which at times seemed at variance with what he would have us believe were his straightforward principles. It was this trait of character, at times defying a.n.a.lysis, we had to treat with most care, lest unconsciously it embroil us. My friend Palmerston might without prejudice be taken as an excellent representative of this unfortunate trait. 'Now,' says John, in a methodical sort of way, 'there are, to be honest, (and acts will prove the truth of a principle), two great pirates in the world. You know that, Smooth, just as well as I do.'

"'No I don't,' says I.

"'But you do!' he returns. 'There's your Uncle Sam: he will steal all territory adjoining his dominions,--in a good-natured sort of way, merely to work out the problem of manifest destiny. As for my old gentleman, Uncle John, why he has a dignified way of doing things, always plays the part of a bold gentleman, and when he joins a kingdom it is with a modesty so quiet and genteel. You needn't shake your head, Smooth,--such are facts; nevertheless, they are both tenacious of their rights--a national trait of great value,--and will shed a river of human blood to gain a very small point on paper. Like two great gamblers, they are opposed to the principle of give and take, standing steadfastly by the _take_. Once they were father and son--thus, the inheritance may be pardoned; and when they quarrelled it was not to be expected the son would relinquish the traits so paternally bestowed. Now the parent is obstinate and the son 'cute; but the son has an eccentricity that prompts him to outwit. Not unfrequently the father lets the son--just for peace sake--have his own way; but this letting him have his own way has inclined his heart rather to the ungrateful than otherwise. His demands are at times somewhat funny, and when made known surprise a world. And now that they are so firmly and extensively identified with each other in pursuits of the n.o.blest character, would it not be a sin to quarrel?'

Thus spoke John, very complacently.

"As he got through, the negro produced some liquor, piping hot. To be good-natured, and keep cool, is one-half the battle; and to move those very desirable traits of our nature, we put a hot punch a-piece into the mentality of the inner man, smoked a couple of long nines, bowed compliments, and packed up our duds for the voyage. There was a great gathering where the balloon was blowing up; but Mr. John Littlejohn and me walked cordially down and took our seat, bundled in our traps, and sung out, 'Cut away the strings, and let her go!' I said I would steer for Uncle Sam, and John said he would steer for Mr.

Bull; so, not feeling inclined to quarrel about the point, and knowing full well that the mother of const.i.tutional governments (some facetiously called her the mother of const.i.tutional incongruities) always liked to have the first trick at the wheel, we tossed coppers--after the fas.h.i.+on of good-natured diplomatists, when a large stake is at issue. 'John!' I enjoined, 'let us keep calm, and put the point to a test that never fails!' Here I gave him one of those pats on the shoulder so impressive, and pulled out a double-headed cent, like unto those so much in use in General Jackson's time, when shaving decapitated the deposits he found himself mounted on the back of a bra.s.s jacka.s.s. 'Here!' I continued--'Heads, I win; tails, you lose.'

To come the sharp over him in a more square sort of way, I gave him an unmoved look straight in the eye, as I twirled up the copper.

"'I'll take the chance,' e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed John, and down came the other head. His countenance, you may be a.s.sured, wore a singular seriousness. The truth was, that John always had one strong idea in his head, and made a strong effort to keep that one straight, to the sacrifice of all the rest. Acting upon that axiom that so stimulated the wood-sawyer who expected to be President of the United States in a very few years, we cut away the fastenings, and having ascended high among the clouds, sailed from the mist heavenward to the blue arch above. Our position was not the most firm; but as Young America had the helm, and rather courted than feared danger, the result could not be doubted. Now and then Mr. John looked somewhat stern of countenance, and turned pale when I crowded the charcoal. 'Be careful, Smooth,' he lisped now and then, grasping my arm as he took a look below--'Be careful; you know what a go-ahead sort of lot you are.

Your party would think nothing of going to the d----l, if it were only with steam power.' It was indeed a dangerous position for large men with small ideas; but as Young America was a small man with large ideas, the case became reversed. Well, we headed square for California, and proceeded at lightning speed, fast overtaking that old slow coach of refulgent light that has made sentimental the wild wisdom of the poet-world. Soon old Jacob's face loomed out upon its broad disc, looking as good-natured as a Dutchman over a pot of lager beer. My friend John seemed rather moody and dogged; however, we soon got within hailing-distance; and having provided myself with a speaking-trumpet--John having forgot his--I esteemed it good policy to, in a social way, have a small quant.i.ty of talk with Jacob, who, although a common sort of person, I felt a.s.sured must be well posted on matters and things concerning manifest destiny. We were running bow on, and at the moment I seized the trumpet for a blow, Jacob sung out--'Good morning!' just like a free and easy citizen, who had sense enough to be approached at any time without walling himself up in the dignity of that thing called a duke. His voice was like thunder, with reechoes for accents. 'Mind your helm!--you steer rather wild, there!'

he spoke.

"'Old feller! don't get into a pucker; there's not a mite of danger,'

I returned. 'Just hold up a little, and let us have a bit of a talk!'

"'Well, don't mind if I do,' good-naturedly returned the old man. So we hooked on to his establishment,--laid her aback in the wind, and, as the sailor would say, 'came to.'

"'Who are you, anyhow?' continued Jacob, getting up and shaking himself.

"'Well, I'm Young America (Jacob shook his head, doubtfully, at the name) and my friend here, is Cousin John, from across the water. We are going to take a view of state affairs around this little globe of ours, that we may report to General Pierce in particular.'

"'Then you're from the States down yonder?' rejoined the old man.

"'Just so!'

"'Ah,--go-ahead fellers down there, they are! But they've got to mind their moves just about this time.'

"'Seeing it's you, Jacob,--and knowing that you must be worn down with toil, s'pose we strike a trade in a small sort of way?' Jacob shook his head, and replied:

"'Like your folks for their masterly energies, but rather not trade.'

"'That won't do, old fellow: you must come out on the new principles of civilizations. Who knows that we may make an arrangement to annex your little establishment to these United States! Young America has, you see, yet to fulfil the functions of manifest destiny.'

"'Don't, pray don't, bring your Young America about my dominions!' he exclaimed, interrupting just as John Littlejohn was about to speak.

"John spoke, inquiring if his preferences were not for him? He knew old Jacob would like to annex his dominions to Great Britain, seeing that he carried out his annexation in a quiet sort of way. Jacob laughed right out--laughed irresistibly; laughed as if he meant it for something. 'To be honest with you, gentlemen, and I know you'll excuse me for being out-spoken,--I want nothing to do with either of you. You'll both steal territory; and as for you, Young America, take a word of honest advice--be contented with what has honestly fallen to you, covet not that which is thy neighbor's, but improve what thou hast of thine own. At the same time, take particular care how thou sail in this very lofty atmosphere. Your manifest destiny may fall into martyrdom.'

"'That's right good advice, Uncle,' said I, (interrupting him), but it would be better it did not smack so strong of that fogyism whose obstinate policy won't let the progress of those United States come out. Anyhow, Jacob, seeing that you have got such a nice stock of territory, dotted with fascinating hills and plains, upon which good speculations can be made in starting a speculation in churches, as has become the fas.h.i.+on, doing a little in the tin business, laying a few railroads, and building up factory villages, we must have a treaty of commerce--at all events!'