The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth Part 4

"'No! no! no! You've large inards, Jonathan; and your youngest son,--Young America,--has got such a pair of eyes! I'm afraid of him.

No objection to joining in three cheers for Hail Columbia, almost any time; but save me from your claws. You're both great pirates: pray be merciful to your neighbors, and spare me my Independence. Your little place down there is become troubled with wars and rumours of wars;--the shedding of innocent blood in streams at the caprice of imbecile princes, who make the bones and blood of their subjects the waste material with which to serve their incarnate ambition, tells me to beware. Beware of ambitious princes; the world would be well rid of them!'

"'Like to hear you talk so, Uncle Jacob. Reckon how you've studied in a New England school! There the greatest power springs from the humble people. Anyhow, Jacob, since we can't strike a trade, nor do a thing or two in the way of speculation, s'pose we take a drop of whiskey punch?'

"'Can't object to that,' he returned.

"So, Littlejohn and me set about it, and in a very few minutes had a first-cla.s.s punch brewed, of which old Jacob supped most lavishly. In fact, he liked it so well that I reckoned he had forgotten to stop drinking; and Littlejohn felt somewhat nervous lest the old fellow get fuddled and turn everything over. John reckoned I'd better give him a cold julep to wipe down with; but Jacob said he much preferred hot things, that his profession was quite cold enough. So, after we put the punches down, and smoked some cigars, and received some good advice about being careful how I proceeded, we loosened the strings and bid him good morning: it was coming faint daylight, and Jacob had to be jogging. Just as I was leaving, my heart felt kind a down-pressed to think what gorgeous territory he had spread out to a feller's eyes, without the slightest chance of making an operation for a small portion of it--say just enough to get a foothold.

"Westward we went with breathless speed, soon losing sight of Jacob and his luminary. 'You better reef down, Mr. Smooth. Should anything give way, and you tumble out and break your neck, the democracy would go into mourning,' said Littlejohn, who had kept very quiet up to this time.

"'Not a bit of it!' I answered, 'our democracy is like Parr's Life Pills, enervating and elasticating. You may break its head, but you cannot kill;--it belongs to the heart, and springs from the laws of right.' At this Littlejohn began to get dogged,--to shows signs of very bad nature. Knowing this was most unprofitable to him I yielded indulgence. To be good-natured in cases of Emergency is a most valuable trait; and to whip a man for being ill-tempered, when nothing can be made at it, is most absurd.

"The world outside of the United States is inclined to believe American democracy something next to infernal--that it must have everything it sees, and turns everything it comes in contact with into dollars, cents, and republicanism. To such it is a mysterious power, moved by chemical agency. As for Littlejohn, he thought that in addition to our speculative spirit we should be governed by modesty, an example of which his forefathers had set us. This he recommended on the principle of a gentleman who keeps up his dignity, gaining one half his object through the influence of his mien. Many said this was the precise material General Pierce was most deficient in; and that if the General would preserve more dignity and less bl.u.s.ter his administration had been marked with results more in keeping with the true character of the nation. Old Uncle John could brag stoutly; but Jonathan was a magnificent player at the same game. I realised this as Littlejohn took a long look over our wonderful West, and asked by what singular process of diplomacy we got to many fine states, so richly burdened with natural resources? He reckoned we must have come the _smart_ of our go-ahead principles over the French, Spanish and Mexicans, and then insinuated ourselves into their dominions. But, this being the smallest end of an Englishman's ideas whittled down to the very point of self-conceit, Smooth thought it best to be good-natured and make the best of his calmness. The fact is, John Bull and Cousin Jonathan must be good friends; strife is the dire enemy of good order, while war becomes the a.s.sa.s.sin seeking to overthrow those principles of const.i.tutional liberty, both nations so wisely combined in their const.i.tutions. Why tear down the n.o.ble edifice you cannot rebuild? why blight the cheering prospects of thousands to gratify the vain ambition of pedantic politicians?

"'Hallo! Smooth, my dear fellow, what place is this below?' cries out Littlejohn, looking over, as the balloon made a B line westward.

"'That,' I interrupted, 'used to be called the 'far West.' Now it is getting to be the centre of civilization. It goes ahead of the march of progress, while outstripping comprehension. Upon this great expanse will spring up the materials for feeding every hungry and oppressed citizen this side of sun-down. We can already raise anything,--from mountain of corn to a river of pork,--on it; and as for the n.i.g.g.e.r crop, there's no end of that!'

"'And that yours, too, Mr. Smooth? Your fertile acres stretch from sea to sea.' Little John interrupting, pointed all over the broad expanse below. He had no generalized ideas of America, no distinct estimate of her productive and maintaining powers, and less knowledge of that machinery so simply beautiful called her government. He never for once thought how this wide western expanse was destined for the back-bone of the mightiest republic the world ever knew. People without homes in the old world found happy homes there; civilization drove the buffalo from his wonted haunt to give place to man; man himself yielded to the power of progress marching westward. 'Now, Littlejohn.' said I, 'seeing that your people have but an imperfect geographical knowledge of our country, let me tell you that yon black ridge you see afar down is the range of rocky mountains. Colonel Fremont, a small man, slim enough to split the wind, but as tough as Uncle Seth's whip-stock, climbed the loftiest peak, hung his hat on it, made the stars and stripes on a rag--(in accordance with necessity and the go-ahead spirit of our country)--hung them flying in a snowstorm, whistled Yankee Doodle three times and proclaimed them ours in the name of the United States. All this was smooth and fair,--done in the spirit of our go-ahead, all-accomplished diplomacy.'

"'Ah!' interrupted Littlejohn, 'your appet.i.te for bits of territory runs monstrously that way.'

"'Yes!' I replied; 'but, John, give us your hand-on that point we may honestly embrace, and declare ourselves now even two. You are as modest as an archbishop on salary day, and seldom openly embrace territory; we prefer the frank style in all our adoptions. Let us not quarrel over that--you love freedom, we love free government. Our political thoughts are moulded in one die, though self-interest may vary them. To be mutually just toward each other, to live on terms of friends.h.i.+p, and preserve that amity which is our bulwark, serves well that unity of great principles which conserves and preserves our happiness. Yea! cursed be the hand, and stagnate the breath raised against that peace and good-will which saves us from the monster of war.' Here I grasped firmly and earnestly John's hand, and would fain he forgot the past and thought only of the future. Looking down, 'that is New Mexico,' said I, 'a small corner we just hooked on to our large establishment; we let all these little ones come into the same nursery, where a generous mother watches their wants and provides for them as circ.u.mstances demand. You, John, treat your colonial babies with singularly cold diet; in fact, you often permit them to become stunted and ill-tempered for want of proper care in the home nursery.

You see, Texas was well nursed, and now her territory is fast filling up with the hardy sons and daughters of your land; but, would they become new beings, and enjoy equal rights and equal privileges, they must divest themselves of those servilities which in your country one cla.s.s unfortunately endeavors to enforce upon the other.' John bowed, but gave no further heed. Presently we came to the Mormon settlement, and here he set to chaffing me about equal privileges. 'We always had inconsistencies in our social system,' he said; 'just see how many wives these Mormons have got, and what a nice thing they are making of equal rights. You beat us there, Smooth; we Englishmen would never think of such sort of thing.' John looked very innocent and honest, which, added to his dignity so naturally put on, was enough to make one's face square up into a broad smile.

"'Permit me, John,' returned I: 'we tend well the great things; this Mormon evil will work its own remedy! Westward the wave of empire rolls on; that's the word we speak as the world looks on, grudgingly acknowledging its truth. We nurture small things that they may become great; we make men feel themselves living equals, not inferiors; we put the lowly emigrant in moral progress, and from his mental improvement reap the good harvest for all. By sinking from men's minds that which tells them they are inferior, we gain greatness to our nation. Simon Bendigo is made to feel that he is just as good as Blackwood Broadway; and Blackwood is made sensible of the fact that he is no better in the body politic than any other man.'

"'Now, Smooth, just let me interrupt you in your train of Yankee logic,' said Littlejohn; 'the safer a man feels his position the better is it for the nation; but the policy of equality in men, though it might do for your young place, never would do for ours. Age and its attendant glories demand different rules of guidance for society. All your fancy articles of freedom, equality, and dignity among common people become doubtful, when subjected to long practice. Our people, sir--take my word, not unworthily--are above considering such degrading innovations; their grades of society are a sacred protection.'

"'Ah! those are English opinions, iron-bound. Your social inst.i.tution is a perfect curiosity shop, where everything old may be stored away unmolested, but upon which the man of plain sense looks distrustfully, while sycophants waste contemplation in devising means for its preservation. How few estimate the cost to a nation of maintaining those ancient inconsistencies so preserved by governments of the old world!'

"'Never mind that, Mr. Smooth; these things are our own, and on us will the evil recoil. Be not so earnest in condemning us, for the same sins you lay at our door are fast developing themselves in your would-be fas.h.i.+onable society! Your society is fas.h.i.+onable without being refined. Your aristocracy is a base imitation of our sn.o.bby, revelling in the heartless hording of gold, and vaunting of bad English.' John looked down ere he finished, and seemed taking a bird's-eye view of the great Utah territory. The Great Salt Lake I a.s.sured him was where the venerable navigator Noah discharged his ballast of salt bags. As for the settlers on its borders, they were the followers of Joe Smith, a veritable descendant of Ham, who never was known for the good he did. That clever mouthpiece of English opinion, the _Times_, says they will one day confuse and cause much trouble to the people of the United States; but this is only the offspring of that one strong idea so characteristic of Mr. John Bull.

Now these descendants of the veritable Smith have a fantastic appreciation of many wives--a strange delusion in which there cannot be much happiness; but beyond this they are a very harmless people, who, beyond the sin of having many wives (and if this be a sin, it may be found at many a cleaner door!), may be excused from much they do.

"'One word, if you please, Mr. Smooth!' suddenly interrupted John Littlejohn,--'it is in that the dangerous element of your Yankee nature exists. Once beyond the neutralizing sphere of public opinion, you go in for all sorts of vagaries, the more inconsistent with strict order the better.' This crimination was certainly as fast as out of place; John was, indeed, too ready to censure us without a forethought. We had given these deluded creatures a home in our land; we had received them as citizens, though most of them were subjects of that land of freedom where the chains fall to give place to flunkeyism; we had protected them in their wilderness home--should we not be generous, and forgive their errors rather than punish or provoke the delusion? Preferring more than one wife is not originally American: on that score Uncle John cannot shake clean the skirts of his garment, nor proclaim his virtue as white as snow. Ere this conversation ended we had arrived over California. Standing up I gave three long and strong cheers that astonished and awoke John from the moody reflections into which he had fallen. There the great El Dorado spread out in golden plains, teeming their rich treasures into Uncle Sam's ap.r.o.n. Then, all bright and full of busy life, rose San Francisco, the stars and stripes waving gracefully from a thousand temples. A thousand s.h.i.+ps, like monsters sleeping, rode on the calm bosom of her waters;--a busy throng of merchants filled her broad avenues; while houseless, anxious, and never-despairing mortals, like swine at large, rooted her broad plains for gold. A country, by the aid of that Anglo-Saxon energy which carries liberty and civilization into the remotest corners of the world had risen, like a young giant, from a wilderness to a flouris.h.i.+ng State. Already was it a world of industry, every man working for the main chance. John could not suppress an expression of gratification,--the sight was bright of promise; but, he added, he much feared his countrymen would view it with a jealous eye, inasmuch as it might become a means of deranging their beautiful organization of very fas.h.i.+onable society. We were made up of an indescribable compound of common people and shopkeepers, he added, shrugging his shoulders and changing slightly his position. He forgot that the absence of two of the greatest evils a nation groans under had brought its blessings on our land,--Mr. Smooth refers to pauper lords, and lords who make paupers. Great men there sprung from the commonest ranks to take the best care of the nation. They discarded the expensive nonsense of maintaining dignity which polluted independence: they respect the poor man's rights and brighten his prospects; they seek to promote the good of all and fear not the few!

"Smooth, in humble solicitude for the reader's feelings, begs he will join him again while proceeding on his course. Proceeding at a rapid rate we had well nigh lost sight of the El Dorado, when John made a significant motion, which, being translated, meant that he would like to take another gla.s.s of hot punch. To this proposition I readily consented; after which we lighted two real Havanas, and rolled on as resolute as a flying Dutchman. It was with some effort that John curbed his natural feelings. The punch, being placed in the right place, seemed to create new thoughts. 'Queer fellows you are!' says he, to talk of freedom and equal rights. 'Why, you have got a human property market open, and more than three millions of souls up for a bid. Mark my word, Mr. Smooth, the voice of sorrow for your human commerce will yet shake the stability of your country. When slavery drives this country to sectional issues; when it corrupts the federal power; when it serves the ambition of those who would drag us into foreign broils; when patriotic men, North and South, ceased to come forward for the safety of a confederation, then will sectionalism wage its angry wars against a n.o.ble edifice, whose foundation history tells us must totter under the siege of strife.'

CHAPTER X.

SMOOTH PRESERVES YOUNG AMERICA'S RIGHTS.

"Day dawned through the gray mist of the East, as crowding the old inst.i.tution, we sailed swiftly through the air, over the calm Pacific. Soon San Francisco seemed but a speck in the dim distance.

On, on, on, we sped, until the land pa.s.sed far out of sight behind.

Our next business was to hang in suspense our hopes, and await the welcome sight of land ahead. John strained his eyes, and I did the same. Two hours pa.s.sed, and the welcome moment arrived. 'I see it!'

exclaimed John--'Land oh! Land oh!' In a frenzy of joy he had well-nigh upset the barge and spilled us out. Then he pointed his finger to an object in the distance that seemed like a lonely steeple holding watch over midnight.

"'I see it!' I rejoined--'it's land--a new discovery: I'll call it Uncle Sam's Land.'

"'A little more moderate, if you please, Mr. Smooth,' retorted John, very politely. 'Seeing it first, I claim the right of calling it Prince Albert's Island.' John was inclined to exchange any amount of diplomatic notes, but I inquired, in a plain sort of way, what would be the good it could confer on his country? to which he folded his arms, and replied curtly, that having it was the thing sought for by his government. He might inst.i.tute the Established Church on it, and create any amount of Bishops, with good fat salaries--a thing all-desirable in the eyes of the Saviour. We use these out-of-the-way places,' he continued, 'as a means of relief to our over-crowded population and pensioners. We are heavy of pensioners, while our governors are p.r.o.ne to create dependencies, which they do in consideration of the very large stock of gentlemen always on hand, and most clamorous to be provided for at John's expense.'

"Having arrived over the spot, we found it an out-of-the-way island; upon which I suggested that it would be better to drop the stars and stripes, with a note to the chief (if one there existed) desiring he would put it up in the name of our great Republic. John, taking the initiative, began to draw from his pocket a bit of bunting; but so methodical was he, that before he had completed the process I took from my pocket a piece of red chalk, and on my white, Sunday nightcap figured the Stars and Stripes. This done, I rolled it round my jacknife, and let it slide downward ere John had his Union Jack ready. Down it went, like a thunderbolt chased by a streak of chain lightning. 'Put that up, in the name of these United States' thought I,--'we'll take care of that little bit of territory.'

"'Well,' interrupted John, looking as serious as a May moon, 'it's Yankee outright: I confess the Union Jack can't keep up with the Stars and Stripes, nohow!'

"'Give us your hand, John,' said I, 'we'll be good-natured anyhow, seeing the positive proof that we both belong to the same school. We are types of two very progressive and honorable gentlemen, who, in a very modest sort of way, do pirate territory now and then, merely for the sake of that inevitable result the extending good const.i.tutional principles has. If our small faults creep above the surface now and then, the influence they have is more than counterbalanced by the good which may come. But, while we both affect a deal of modesty, and are ever criminating and recriminating each other's acts, would it not be well to acknowledge the motive by which both are moved to the same greedy propensities? Think it over, John; and at the same time let us join--just to keep up the good-nature--in another gla.s.s of whiskey.'

He said he had no objection, so filling up, we drank to the very best sort of friends.h.i.+p, John winking and blinking, as a squall just springing up began to increase.

"'That place--we were both a little too fast, John--is inhabited, as I'm a Christian. I'll bet a cotton-mill it is!' I returned; and before the words were cold I saw a French sentinel pacing as straight as a handspike in uniform, and as mutely savage as a scare-crow in a corn-field. There he was, moustaches heavier nor a goat's smellers, _a la_ old guard. Not a great way behind his Saxon neighbors, he was watching No. I; just keeping an unoffending eye on Queen Tamerhamer's little place. That tawny sovereign had insulted the French, but it was difficult for them to define the nature of the offence. However, they claimed the right to mount guard, if only to the end of getting a better foot-hold. Poor, hapless sovereign! she thought more of her tinsel than the French did of her rights: thus the small difficulty.

Frenchmen are clever fellows in a small way, have very pliable ideas, which they can change with wondrous celerity; they aim to do good, if, through their eccentricities, they too often fail. They are pleased to consider themselves more refined than Americans, and yet they are more deficient in moral courage--that moral courage which is made to conserve the good of the State. An Englishman's reserve, a Frenchman's politeness, and a Yankee's go-aheadativeness,--all contending for the palm of honesty, form the curious ill.u.s.tration of an eventful age.

"'Let us push on, John, across the calm ocean we shall soon arrive at Shanghai,' said I, confidentially.

"'Yes!' returns John, interrupting me, 'and I wish we could get a glimpse at j.a.pan. Other nations have supposed it impregnable; but Jonathan has found his way to the very gates of the Emperor's palace, which he now knocks at with might and main. How fantastically he is dressed! Coal-basket in one hand, and Bible in the other, he is cutting what may be properly termed figure number one.'

"'Certainly!' I rejoined, 'that is the figure to make safe our country's interests. Trade and civilization is Jonathan's _motto_, While 'go-ahead' is the pa.s.s-word that has placed him where he is--in power. Jonathan demolishes the aristocratic fantasy of dignity, and builds up the greatness of a people with the simplicity of trade. We never had the most distant annexation design on this little empire, but we want coals that our commerce may be fostered and protected in its march over the world; and, if we chance to do a little trade while teaching an isolated people their proper position, so much the better for the world and manifest destiny. The absurdity of celestial pre-eminence must be removed from the minds of those who yet maintain it at the expense of Christendom. If we can sell the Emperor's people Lowell cotton, at the same time you are selling them Manchester stripes, where can be the objection? There can be no harm in promoting that which has for its end the interchange of good feeling between the most distant nations of earth: interchange of commerce infuses its spirit of energy, and its results are for the good of the many. But those interchanges between progressive and non-progressive governments should be conducted with caution and kindness, in order to preserve mutual respect. The double-sided Dutchman prostrates himself before the barbarian whose commerce he seeks; but in doing so he enlists contempt for his nation, without aiding to tear down that superciliousness of the barbarian which is the greatest enemy of the world at large. Better were it he approached that monarch on equal terms--to, it might be, compel him to reconcile his feelings to the force of manifest destiny. Smooth will stand the odds that Commodore Perry gets the better of the Dutchman, comes the independent over the Emperor, and makes a contract for the establishment of cotton factories and churches all along his coast. 'Land! oh,' suddenly cried out John, at the top of his voice--'another patch ahead.' In another moment he shrieked out:--'There you go--good by!' As I overreached to sight the object far beneath, one of the stays broke, the balloon careened wildly, and making a das.h.i.+ng circle high in the air, out we tumbled into the wild waste of s.p.a.ce. Finding myself going, I reckoned it was as well to keep up the philosophy, and remain cool. 'You're on the pa.s.sage, too--are you, John?' inquired I, finding him turning the most artistic somersaults in his descent. 'Yes,' he replied, in a tone indicative of sorrow; 'blast you, and your Young American policy. This is the natural result of soaring above a reasonable level.. Your manifest destiny is finding its proper depths now!' John was terribly chagrined; he reckoned Young America was a shade too fast. Flying, he said, was at best a mighty poor business; once again on firm footing he would for ever look upon manifest destiny as the most aerial thing of the fast nineteenth century.

CHAPTER XI.

MR. SMOOTH IS RIGHT SIDE UP.

"'This side up--with care!' said I, finding we must come down, and keeping an eye on John, who looked as burly as a drifting ale pipe in a head sea, and whispered something about Young America being an unpleasant companion to sail the air with. Feeling how much better it was to be good-natured, I took the matter mathematically, trusting to the best. To be always right end up is a principle never to be lost sight of. There was land below us, firm and frowning; which, before we knew where we were, we had slipped into, like preserved meat, up to our arm-pits. Poor John made an awful blubbering; seeing which, I told him to be good-natured, and at the same time inquired if he had worked up his whereabouts on the way down.

"'A pretty affair this!' said he, angrily. 'Here, on a desolate island, surrounded by a broad ocean, what chance is there for us to save ourselves, or ever again make the confines of civilization?

Despondency knows no joking; and, in such a perplexity, questions about reckoning are out of place. You may make light of it, Mr.

Smooth; but, if you please, let us think of some way to deliver ourselves,' grumbled John, sweating, puffing, and blowing. Finally, he said he wished the old gentleman with the horns had made a previous demand on him, inasmuch as it would have saved him the trouble of dying on so desolate a spot, which to him seemed the sorest grievance of all.

"'You groan over it some, don't you, old fellow? Reckon how you hain't seen a Yankee try his ingenuity. Just puff a spell, until Mr. Smooth calmly studies a little philosophy, which is a mighty good thing in cases of emergency like this,' I remarked in reply, getting my ideas into a fix, in order to bring out the best point of operation. Working myself out in a cool sort of way, I seized hold of him by the shoulders, and yanked him straight out, like a log from a marsh slough. 'Now, take it all for the best, John,' I rejoined encouragingly, going to work and putting up a liberty pole, to which I tacked the stars and stripes, while John was grumbling, growling, and methodizing about saving himself. This done on behalf of my country, and Young America more particularly, I set about erecting a hut, wherein we could both turn in for the night. With me it was sink the desponding and keep up a stiff spring of hope; but when bed-time came, John made a great fuss about his night-cap and dressing-gown, and slippers,--as if the comforts of home were inseparable. Then he made a crooked face about his bed, while I laughed at him for his whims, his fancies, and his dogged pedantries. However, morning found him better-natured, and taking advantage of the opportunity, we held a consultation upon what was best to be done. That we were on an uninhabited island not a doubt existed: nor had any son of civilized man ever visited it before: not so much of civilization as a gallows was there to be seen anywhere, although there were visible in the distance many mountains, and plains, and valleys, and lakes swarming with fish. With these a people might have flourished, while the soil was pregnant of richness, ready to bring forth corn, rice, tobacco, and cotton. I was grieved that such a spot should lie wasting; all it wanted was a few sons of New England to make its resources of great commercial value. A ponderous mountain rose nearly to the sky, distant some two days' journey, in the west. After breakfasting on wild fruit (of which there was a great abundance) and limpid water, we set out for it, making a straight line through the forest; but before reaching the summit, and after three days' scrubbing, we discovered smoke curling gently upward here and there in the clear blue atmosphere.

'Lord bless ye, John!' I exclaimed, halting suddenly, 'there is living critters here, as I'm a Down-easter.'

"'I see 'um moving!' he rejoined, nervously surveying the spot. And in another hour we were in the midst of a tribe of savages, swarthy and of vicious appearance. Such yelling, hallooing, jumping, and cutting wild antics, you never saw before, nor could pen describe. n.o.body could have understood their chattering, which was a species of growl and shortly accented muttering. Forsooth! it was as unintelligible as that language so generally diffused through diplomatic notes and protocols. Now hideous squaws ran one way, young children another. Dogs and cats brought up the rear, their music combining in most ungrateful medley. John's fears became excited as he saw the chiefs rus.h.i.+ng furiously onward in the van. 'What shall we do?' said he; 'they will exterminate us.' I said we had better summon all our amiability and endeavor to engraft ourselves in their good graces. Young America would talk Yankee to them. To this John gave ready consent. I was glad to see that for once he had laid aside his dignity and superciliousness: it was freely acknowledging that Uncle Sam was somebody--that he could, in his plain straightforward way do clever things. Therefore, to initiate my diplomacy I drew forth the Stars and Stripes, and held them before a monster chief of some seven feet in stature, who had almost reached us, making savage grimaces. Soon he stood before us, John commenced to bow with all his politeness, and meekly doffing off his hat, began a speech with:--'Your sublime majesty--' 'Stop that, John!' I exclaimed firmly, interrupting him. Here I stepped in, and extended my hand to the savage. 'My name, stranger,' I continued 'is Commissioner Solomon Smooth--at home they call me General Smooth. Now, seeing that I am sent by our patriotic President (a very small man by the way, but immeasurably large when dealing in the mere language of war) whose determination that talent of a truly American character shall s.h.i.+ne abroad has been fully appreciated by the nations honored with his promising plenipotentiaries, Mr. Pierce has deputed me to square the world in general, and manifest destiny in particular.' The savage at first exhibited signs of concern, but finally summoned to his aid a salutation of welcome, and at the same time grasped my hand warmly and earnestly. Communicating with him by signs was not the most agreeable office: but when there is a point to be gained energy is always well spent. I would enlighten him upon matters connected with our government, while ascertaining his ideas of annexation: this the language of signs prevented my doing. I regretted this exceedingly, inasmuch as it compelled me to forego the comparison I contemplated making between his and those known ideas entertained by General Pierce himself. Enough, however, was drawn from the signs to prove a striking coincidence. 'Never bin to Was.h.i.+ngton--I reckon?' I inquired a.s.suming the independent, as I gave my hat an easy set on the windward side of my head. He shook his head, and croaked out something no one could understand. 'Great place!' rejoined I--'ought to come over and see it, old fellow.' I affectionately placed my arm about his neck, as he shook his head a second time; the small kindness had made us good friends. Motioning John to him, he grasped our hands, led us to his camp, called a council of his people, who said much it was impossible for us to understand. Indeed, they set up a conflict of sound more dinning than the roar of waters. Instinctively hospitable, when dinner-time came they motioned us to sit and partake of a piping dish of snakes' heads and fried beetles, of which choice delicacies the old chief was sorely grieved that we ate but little. Now and then he would spread his hands, as if to say--why not eat of what I give you? I was not long in becoming acquainted with our new acquaintance; nor did I fail to shock the modesty of our worthy friend John, who said he could not view with indifference the celerity with which I walked into things which should be touched only with the dignity of national character.

"'Now stranger,' continued I, addressing myself good-naturedly to the chief; 'seeing you are sovereign of this remote but lovely country--and that yours is manifestly an empire--suppose we try a little trade. Smooth is a free-and-easy citizen of the United States--can meet you at and be friendly over anything. My friend here,' (I pointed to John who seemed in an offish mood) 'is a Britisher, an honest member of that very ancient and gallant family which now views us, too often for that spirit which should make us friends, as a beardless upstart; John, though extremely vain, is not a bad fellow, and at times improves on acquaintance. If his proclivities for getting into an hole (like a toad in a shower) are at times too strongly manifested, who so ungenerous as not to forgive the hereditary character of the disease?'

"'Umph! umph! whew!' exclaimed the chief, as he spread his hands and contorted his face. We could not understand him; pained were we that we could not. He felt keenly the misfortune, shook his head in sorrow; and murmured, as if a world separated his thoughts and ours.

Modestly, John touched me on the shoulder, and whispered:--'S'pose we call this distant Britain? you can have the next discovery. I'll proclaim it in the name of my sovereign--it will be quite right;' John was inclined to do the very honorable on the sly; but, being of opinion that he had appropriated to himself enough in that sort of way, I interposed a decided objection. 'Governor!' I retorted, taking the chief by the hand--'if a good speculation you would make, annex this little empire of yours to our great Republic. Manifest destiny will make you one of us; but don't wait for that. Hook on while the link is hot--you'll find it a good speculation. Young America will put your nation through a process of regenerating: he will make steam civilize when everything else fails; he will send his Transit Company to take possession of the government. We seek not, like John to conquer--we colonize. You may be one of us; by accepting Young America's offering you may be as independent as a colored preacher on Sunday.' The chief gazed in bewilderment--his people muttered still more.

"John now became furious of anger. 'We, too,' he interposed, 'colonize. Say you will come under the protection and acknowledged allegiance to our Queen, and yours shall be a scarlet coat, a c.o.c.ked hat, and a great broadsword wherewith to fight your way in the world.'

The chief moved his head doubtingly, as his body vibrated from head to foot. What strange opinions invaded his thoughts! He placed his broad hard hands gently on our heads, drew us lovingly to him, and smiled.

In that smile was that which said we were both good and honest, but needed much watching. We were, indeed, good specimens of our separate nations, but the free-and-easy seemed most acceptable to the savage.

'Governor!' I continued to address the chief as I turned to John, 'beware of his fascinating coat of scarlet. Such things may charm the little; sensible men know their worthlessness. Hang out the star-spangled banner, espouse popular rights; let the rest of mankind know you belong to a nation whose destiny is the overthrow of kings and kingcraft on one continent at least.' Still, mutely the savage listened. There was no getting English into his head; hence I saw the necessity of gaining my ends by signs and motions, after the fas.h.i.+on of our modern diplomacy. Say what you will, mute diplomacy is not without its effect. At it I went, in a style that put French dancing entirely into the shade.