Toaster's Handbook Part 174

For t.i.tles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their t.i.tles.--_Machiavelli_.

I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all t.i.tles, the character of an "Honest Man."--_George Was.h.i.+ngton_.

TOASTS

_See_ Drinking; Good fellows.h.i.+p; Woman.

TOBACCO

"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.

"How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in."

_See also_ Smoking.

TOURISTS

_See_ Liars; Travelers.

TRADE UNIONS

CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?"

ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir."

"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day."

TRAMPS

LADY--"Can't you find work?"

TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."

LADY--"And can't you get one?"

TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years."

TRANs.m.u.tATION

Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown pa.s.sed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone; Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber.

TRAVELERS

An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a s.h.i.+nto funeral.

Finally she appealed to the j.a.panese clerk of the hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself.

He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is not the season for funerals."

A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the following on himself:

"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland four miles from a railway station.

"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha's coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt a wee bit of prayer would not be out of place.

"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us grace tae understan' him.'

"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a traveler meself!'"--_Fenimore Marlin_.

Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off one night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe.

Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held him there.

"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up at the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled.

They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stay over and see the famous leaning tower.

Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of Europe.