Toaster's Handbook Part 20

Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the beholder.--_Zimmermann_.

BEDS

A western politician tells the following story as ill.u.s.trating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country.

Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was to make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotel was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the politician discovered that he would have to make s.h.i.+ft as best he could.

Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is an extremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable.

"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.

"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when I got up."

BEER

A man to whom illness was chronic, When told that he needed a tonic, Said, "O Doctor dear, Won't you please make it beer?"

"No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."

BEES

TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"

TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"

BEETLES

Now doth the frisky June Bug Bring forth his aeroplane, And try to make a record, And busticate his brain!

He bings against the mirror, He bangs against the door, He caroms on the ceiling, And turtles on the floor!

He soars aloft, erratic, He lands upon my neck, And makes me creep and s.h.i.+ver, A neurasthenic wreck!

--_Charles Irvin Junkin_.

BEGGING

THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you married?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers for support if I had a wife?"

MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"

BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want it soaked with s...o...b..a.l.l.s."

MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take your hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he naturally takes us for old friends."

Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.

"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.

"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man.

You might try him."

The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then, finally, they saw something pa.s.s from one hand to the other. The tramp tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called to him:

"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"

The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar for his d.a.m.ned new cathedral at Laramie!"

To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside; Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.

--_Herrick_.

Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail And say, there is no sin but to be rich; And being rich, my virtue then shall be To say, there is no vice but beggary.

--_Shakespeare_.

_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires.