Brite and Fair Part 13

jest as he sed that Pewt let ding with a chicking eg as hard as he cood. it wood have took old mister pedler square in the head but jest then he leened down to take a doller and it went over his head and took old Mizzery Dirgin who was standing facing towerds us rite square in the mouth and spatered all over him. i bet he gumped 9 feet in the air and then begun to hoop and gag and rushed for the horse troth and put his head in and soused it round and the peeple all begun to laff and holler and old Mizzery gumped up all driping and arested Mike Prescot for being drunk and begun to drag him off and Mike held back and fit and old Swane grabed him to help old Mizzery and we let ding as fast as we cood and old Swane got one rite between the sholders and one rite in the back of his head that popped like a pistol and he let go of Mike and rushed for the troth and put his head in and while the old pedler was laffing his head off he got 2 chicking egs 1 in his shert bosum and one rite square in the eye and i never heard sutch swaring and hooping and gaging in my life and and sheriff Odlin who was standing on the curbstone got one in his stovepipe hat and of coa.r.s.e he had to arest sumone and he took Bill Hartnitt and waulked him off and as soon as the old pedler got enuf of the eg out of his ey so he cood see and breeth he grabed the ranes and liked his horse round the corner.

peeple were rus.h.i.+ng round and triing to get out of the way and sum were hollering murder what a stink and sum were hollering h.e.l.l what a stink and sum were laffing their heads off and bending over and slaping their gnees and leening agenst trees and holding their sides and sum were swaring and getting the polis.e.m.e.n to arest inosent peeple whitch hadent done nothing and one man with a streek of yellow down his back where he had got a popper was offering 500 dollers for the man whitch wood tell him who throwed them rotten egs. i see father there talking with old Swane and old Mizzery and shaking his head. father dident get hit but Pewts father did. he got a popper in the coat tale and he was mad. he wood have been madder if he had gnew it was his eg.

of coa.r.s.e we hit a good many peeple that we dident meen to hit. they shoodent have been in the way and they coodent blaim ennybody but themselfs.

but i supose they wood about kill us if they gnew who done it. peeple is prety unreesonable sumtimes. but we drove the old pedler away and saved a grate del of money for the peeple and we pluged old Swane and old Mizzery Dirgin and evrybody was glad of that. of coa.r.s.e when a feller gets a roten eg in the ey or in the middle of his vest when he has got his best close on he dont feel xacly plesant towerds ennybody. after tonite i gess evrybody will ware their old close when they go out to hear a pedler pedle.

well while the peeple was hollering and swaring and holding their nose and being arested for being drunk by old Swane and old Mizzery and Sheriff Odlin and being draged into the lockup me and Beany and Pewt shet the winders of the office and we come down stairs and went home. when we got to my house we all went in. mother and Aunt Sarah and Keene and Cele was setting up. well when he went in and begun to talk mother and Aunt Sarah begun to maik awful faces and Keene and Cele sed phew what a awful smell and mother sed Keene open the windows quick and sumone birn a rag. what in the wirld have you stepped in boys, go out and sc.r.a.pe your feet on the sc.r.a.per and wipe them on the mat. you had augt to be moar cairful where you step and Beany he sed it aint that misses Shute i got hit with a roten eg when sumone roten eged the pedled and mother sed i dont want to be unpolite Elbrige, Elbrige is Beany you know, but i think you had better stand in teh doorway while you xplain. so Beany stood there and we were telling about it while Keene leened out of the window and hollered phew and mother and Aunt Sarah held their nose when father come in and the minit he come in he sed Geerusalem the golden naim ever dear to me will that smell folow me all the days of my life till i dwell in the house of the lord forever, and mother sed George i realy wish you woodent talk so befoar the children and father sed all rite Joey, he calls mother Joey you know, i wont, but it is verry triiing to a man of my partickuler disposision to return to the buzum of his familiy to find the intire homested smeling like a combineasion of a glu factory, a fertilizer factory and a ded horse whitch has been left 3 weaks in a hot July sun.

and mother sed for heavens saik George dont say enny more. it is bad enuf without thinking of sutch dredful things. and father sed i wont Joey only you shood not have interrupted me and tirned me from my religious medditasions. i was doing prety well. then Aunt Sarah sed if you aint moar choise in your langage you never will dwell in the house of the Lord but sumwhere elce, and father sed tell me sumthing new and dont scair me to deth Sarah. but how in the wirld did that smell get here, and me and Beany and Pewt all hollered Beany got a eg in the side and father sed i shood think he did and the best thing Beany can do is to go home and chainge his close. it is neerly 10 oh clock and we have got to go to bed sumtime tonite.

so Pewet and Beany went home and father set down and mother shet the winders and father told us about it and how meny got hit and what they sed and we all nearly dide laffing as we always do when father tells stories, and father sed Gim Ellison got hit in the middle of his vest and went home holding his nose up in the air so high that he run bang into a tree and broak his speckticles, and old Bradbiry Purington, Pewts father went home holding his coat tale up like a woman holds up her trane. he sed that old Mag Mackflannery got hit and went rite down to old Bill Morrils house and maid so mutch fuss that Bill promised her a new dress if she wood shet up and go home. he sed Bill sed he will never run for selickman again. it keeps him in hot water all the time. he sed Bill sed if he hadent agreed to by her a new dress she wood have drove him into a loonitick a.s.silem.

father he sed it was wirth 25 dollers of enny mans money to see old Swane and old Dirgin get it and they hadent enny rite to arest Mike and Bill and Gimmy Josy whitch wasent doing nothing but standing round, and wasent drunk enuf to be arested, and he sed he and Amos Tuck went in and baled them all out and that was why he was lait. father sed he wished moar egs had hit the polis.e.m.e.n and he wished he gnew the fellers whitch throwed the egs he wood give them 5 dollars.

gosh i wanted to tell him but my othe forbid but i wish we cood get that 5 dolers. father sed if the Terible 3 done it they hadent augt to be blaimed for ennything they had done to old Biley and the others. then he told me and Keene and Cele to go to bed and we done it. while i was wrighting i remembered what father sed about baling out old Mike and Gimmy Josy and Bill Hartnitt and i hollered down stairs and sed father how did you go to wirk to bale out them fellers. and father sed i used a stomack pump of coa.r.s.e. how did you supose i done it, with a dipper. now you go to bed. so i went back and shet my door.

i tell you father knows how to do things. he pumped all the rumm out of them fellers and when they are tride in coart tomorrow and old Swane and old Mizzery sware that they was drunk the jug will tell them they is dam liers and a disgraice to the perfession. i wish i cood go to coart and hear the jug say that but i supose i have got to go to school.

tomorrow i will wright the report for Pewt to copy becaus i can spel so mutch beter than Pewt.

October 28, 186---brite and fair. gosh the funniest thing happened to Pewt and to Beany. when Pewt got home his father was there and auful mad because he had got a poper on the coat tale becaus he was going to a temprunce meating tonite and was going to set on the platform and Pewts mother sed it wood be a weak befoar he cood ware that coat again becaus she wood have to boil it in 2 waters and rince it in and 3 and then dry it and ion it. so Pewts father coodent set on the platform at the temprunce meating and he was mad enuf to lick his grate granfather.

if Pewt had gnew enuf to keep still he wood have been all rite but he wanted to be funy and he sed that is a funy way to boil egs and old man Purinton grabed him and lambasted him with his ratan can till you cood have heard Pewt holler down town.

it was tuf on Pewt but he dident get a lot of lickings he ougt to have got and i gess he cant complane.

and Beany had tuf luck two for when he went into the house they maid him go out and take off his jaket and his father licked him for spoling his close and maiking sutch a smell until Beany hollered as loud as Pewt. for onct in my life i had sum good luck for i got up the hoal thing and they got licked for it. i supose it aint rite for 1 of the Terible 3 to laff when the other 2 gets licked but i cant help it.

tonite we dident do nothing but put up another sine on old Ikes house it sed.

bewair Isak the hour of retrobusion is at hand.

the Terible 3

i xpect to hear sumthing from Ike tomorrow.

October 29, 186---today neither Pewt nor Beany cood go out of the yard xcept to go to school. they boath sed they wood be willing to stay in the yard the hoal day if they cood stay away from school but they thougt it was tuf to have to go to school and run the risk of being licked and then stay in the yard when the other fellers was having a good time.

but i done the best i cood to help them out.

after school this morning i got a croud of fellers to go up to Pewts. they was Pop Clark and Hunny Donovan and Ham Welsh and Skinny Bruce and Jack and Gim Melvin and we staid there until Pewts father drove us out and after school this afternoon i got the saim croud to go over to Beanys so he woodent be loansum and we staid there till Beanys father drove us out. Beanys father told my father that it was more punishment for his family when he kep Beany in the yard than it was to Beany becaus evry time he kept Beany in the yard all his frends come in and rased particklar h.e.l.l.

tonite old Ike sent for father and wanted to know if he wood come up and stay with him until nine oh clock when he was going to have a poliseman stay all nite to perteck him from the Terrible 3.

father he sent him word that he wood be up after supper. he had to go down town a few minits and he sent me up to tell him and to say that he had better stay in and keep the doors locked. he told me to tell him he wood give 3 gnocks but not to open the doer for enyone elce.

Aunt Sarah sed George do you really think they is enny dainger. and father sed not a bit. sumone is having fun with Ike and Aunt Sarah sed why do you want to scare him to deth and father sed sister mine our gentle cussin Isak has had far two easy a life and it is a good thing to instil into his mind the idea that moths and rust do corrup and theeves braik throug and steel. then aunt Sarah tride not to laff and sed i think it is a shaim to wurry so good a man as he is and father sed.

sister thou wast mild and luvly gentle as the summer breaz.

but it is hard to convinse you that desperrit cases need desperrit remmedies. now this is a desperrit case. verry desperrit. supose the Terible 3 shood kidnap Ike and hold him for ransum. who wood give 5 cents for Ike? who wood give ten, have i enny offers. maik it 7 1/2 cents. no offers maik it six. do i have enny offers. no by saint bride of Bothwel no let the portculis fall. and i wood have to go throug life uncheered by the companons.h.i.+p of Ike.

then aunt Sarah sed George do be sensible for onct in your life. jest onct. are you going to scare that poor man to deth or not? and father he sed far from it sweet sister. i shall be kindness itself. is it kindness in the docter when he conceles the faital naiture of a diseeze from a diing man and alows him to go whooping into the vast beyond without a chanct to repent. is that kindnes sister? ecco answers not by a dam site sister.

it aint kindnes. it wood have been kindnes to tell him the gig was up and give him a chanct to maik his will and pay a few notes and by sum paper with black eges and 40 or 50 yards of craip for a fale for his wife.

so it will be my duty, sister, in spite of your prairs and teers, not to concele from Isak the seerius nature of the thret maid by the Terible 3. have you ever reelized how my boyhood was blited by the thras.h.i.+ngs it received becaus i was a bit rude to my gentle cussen Ike. and do you reelize how many hundred times he was held up to me as a moddle and how i was erged sumtimes prairfuly by mother and moar often strapfuly by father to emulait his vertus.

and do you think, sweet but earring sister that i will alow sutch a opertunity of asureing him of my pertecksion and simpathy to pa.s.s.

o the demon and his bride and the grate grate owl by all his curage tride in the popes sanbowl

i gess not, Sarah mine. i shall go up and convinse Isak that the wicked stand in slepery plaices and that the way of the transgresor is hard. Isak has called upon his cussen for pertecksion. wood you have me fale him, speek woman.

then aunt Sarah began to laff and sed there is no use in talking to you when you are fealing like that and i shall not say enny moar and she went off.

i gnew there wood be sum fun for they always is when father talks like that and so i asted father if i cood go up to Ikes with him. he sed i cood go but i must let him do the talking and not say a word unless i was asted to. so i sed i wood be cairful and we went up. it was not quite dark and when we got up there father gnocked 3 gnocks and we heard sumone say who is there, and father sed it is me George and then Ike unlocked 3 or 4 locks and opened it about 5 inchs and it was held by a chane. then he peeped out and sed is it you George.

who have you got with you and father sed this is my boy Harry. then he sed to me this is cussen Isak and i sed how do you do cussen Isak and he sed how do you do and i sed i spoke to you one day and you dident know me and so i told father if he ever got a chanct to interduce me.

the Ike sed i am a little neer sited and i sed i see you are cussen Isak and then father nugged me with his elbo and i dident say enything moar.

then father sed you havent heard enything moar of the kidnapers and Ike he give a sort of gump and sed do you think cussen George that they is kidnapers and father sed i have thought so from sum things i have heard. and old Ike sed what have you heard and father sed well Isak i dont want to friten you but you had augt to know this. jist then Ikes wife Mary come in. we call her Mary Isak becaus they is so mutch alike and never goes enywhere and jest sets and rocks in rocking chairs and looks at each other.

when she come in father got up and shook hands with Mary Isak and interduced me and she asted him if he thougt they was verry daingerous men and father laffed and sed no cussen Mary there isent the leest dainger in the wirld. it is only sum smart fellers that wants to have a little fun with sum of our best cittisens and they isent the leest need of wurrying. so you go to bed and i will set up and talk with Isak until the poliseman comes up.

so Mary Isak went up stairs and Isak begun to perk up quite a lots until father sed as i was saying Isak when cussen Mary come in, i have read the papers cairfuly and there has been quite a number of cases cimmiler to this. 1 in Milton ma.s.schusetts and 1 in Lewiston maine and 2 in new york State. in eech case warnings was hung up like these and in each case a verry ritch and promminent cittisen was kidnaped and held for ransum.

the man in Milton had to pay 35 hundred dollars and the man in Lewiston paid i think 48 hundred dollars they wanted 5 thousand dollars but all he cood rase was 48 hundred and the 2 in New York had to pay 9 thousand apeace. but you know prises is higher in New York. probly you woodent have to pay moar than 5 thousand.

well all this time old Ike had been setting ferst in one chair and then in another chair and puling his wiskers and when father sed this he gave a grone and sed aint there no pertection under the law? and father sed the matter is being vestigated and persecution will folow enny falce step that the villins make. the trubble is they are verry hard to ketch

then Ike sed isent there sum way out of it and father sed i have been thinking Isak why dont you and J. Albert Clark and Biley Tilton and the other fellers whitch has been warned make up a purce like you and sum of the fellers done when they was afrade of being draffed in the civil war to hire subst.i.toots. then if the scoundrils get one of you the others will help pay his ransum. well Ike he thought that mite be a good idea and he sed he wood see sum of them tomorrow if the Terible 3 dident get him befoar morning. then father sed dont wurry a bit Isak while i am here they will have to get you over my ded body and Ike sed thank you George you were always a kind frend and father sed yes Isak we was frends but not xactly Damin and Pithius.

well bimeby the poliseman come up and it was old Filander Kize and he was smoaking a old black pipe that smelled wirse than one of our poppers that we pluged at the pedler and old Ike sed have you got to smoak that mister Kize and old Filander sed yes it is the only thing that will keep me awake and so Ike sed well i supose i shall have to stand it. so me and father come away after shaking hands with old Ike and father told him to go to bed and to get a good nites rest and not to wurry and then we come away and we cood hear him locking all the locks and bolting all the bolts and puting up the chane so the Terible 3 coodent kidnap him.

when we was going home father began to laff and sed i supose i was a meen cus to wurry cussen Isak like that but all my life he has been held up to me as a moddle and if i thougt you wood tirn out like him i shood feal like throwing you over the brige in a bag with rocks in it. think of living a life without fun. gosh he mite have been a useful cittizen if he hadent been so cussed good. how ever i will go up tomorow and chirk him up a little.

when we got home mother and Sarah was setting up and darning stockings and Sarah sed well George did you wurry the poar man out of his wits and father sed piece woman i treeted him with the uttmost kindness and was a grate c.u.mfort to him.

of coa.r.s.e i was cairful not to under estimait the dainger for feer that Ike mite be bold to rashniss and xpose himself needlessly to dainger. it wasent verry hard to perswuade him to stay in the house for a weak or 2. indeed i think i wood have had to fite hard to get him out. but when i left him i asured him taht if wirst come to wirst he cood probly be able to pay his ransum if it wasent moar than 20 thousand dollers. i thougt he was going to faint ded away then and i told him with me and Melander Kize and old Swane and Mizzery Dugin and old Brown willing ot sackrifise our lifes for him he needent wurry.

then Aunt Sarah sed and she coodent talk verry well because she was triing to bite a thred off, i think i shall go up and tell cussen Isak that you are jest stirring him up and father sed he will not beleeve you for i told him the hoal family but me had tirned agenst him straingly becaus they thougt he has did sum dredfill thing that wont see the lite of day and that Harry and I are the only ones that stand up for him and Aunt Sarah bit off the thred with a snap and sed George Shute if i cood beleeve a single wird you say i shood be verry indignent, and father sed it is harroing to be so douted and missunderstood by them whitch is deer to you and he pertended to burst into teers and sed he wood go to bed and weap his piller sopping wet and he made up a auful face and winked at mother and went up stairs and Aunt Sarah sed to mother what a man he wood have been on the staige. he wood have beet comical Brown and Artimus Ward and Joshua Billings all to peaces, and mother she sed yes he wood but i prefir him jest as he is.

October 29, 186---rany again. it hasent done enything but rane for 3 weaks. it was so rany that we coodent put up eny sines or comit eny crimes. i saw old Filander coming down from Ikes this morning and when i went to school i say Mary Isak with all the winders open airing out the house.

October 30, 186---cold and windy. all the horse chesnuts in frunt of Sheriff Odlins place has fell down and all the fellers is stringing them on strings and pluging them over the telligraf wires. of coa.r.s.e me and Beany and Pewt does it to pa.s.s away the time and devert suspishons. we have got moar serius things to think about. saw old Filander come down from Ikes again today and saw Mary Isak airing out the house again. tonite father went up again to c.u.mfort Ike. father says that he dont think Ike cood et along without his sunny precence.

every time father comes home from Ikes he says Ike sends down town for a man to put on a new chane or a new lock on the door. father says if he goes a few moar times he will get him to put iron bars in the winders. old mother Moulton stays there days. father says he hasent had so mutch fun sence he took laffin gas and cleened out docter Johnsons ofice and throwed docter Johnson out of one winder and docter Prey out of the other and Gim Melcher down stairs.

October 31, 186---Hork and Spit both dide today.

give them a big ded rat that old mis Dire give me. they toar it into bits and et it fir and all and when i come home from school they was both ded and all curled up. i asted old mis Dire how she cougt the rat and she sed she poizened it with rat poisen only she called it rat poizen. i told her it killed my horks and she sed she was sorry but she forgot to tell me. i thougt at ferst that she done it perpose to pay me for sending her old cat to Haverhill but i gess she dident. we had a meating of the Terible 3 today and if she had done it a perpose we wood have atended to her case even if she was a woman. while the Terible 3 dont maik war on wimmen, we dont perpose to have wimmin maik war on us.

Filander is still at Ikes. tonite we drawed lots to see witch shood go up with a sine to Biley Tiltons.

i got the shortest straw and had to go. Pewt had printed a sine whitch sed.

Bewaire the vengunce of the Terible 3 it spairith not the wicked man.

but it strikith in darkniss. Bewair.