Outside The Ropes: OtherSide Of Fear Part 29

Gage kept coming back to the hospital, but I kept ignoring him and he didnt push. I wanted to question what he was doing, but didnt have the energy to hear it. I didnt want to take on anymore. I didnt want to think about any of it, but as the day came to be discharged, I knew I had to face it all. I couldnt keep hiding behind these walls.

Except, I jumped at the chance to hide in a different way. When Gage mentioned Vegas and staying with Dexter and Leona, I agreed to it. We went straight from the hospital to the airport to their home.

I slid on sweatpants after my first shower out. My body was sore and breath was short, even if the doctors a.s.sured me my lungs were healed. Time, they said, I just needed time and I should be fine.

But they didnt know. They didnt know what time with this man waiting in the living room could do. But I did. I needed to make a plan to change things. But my plan stopped at Vegas. I was stuck in the moment because in order to go beyond the moment, Id have to acknowledge the past. I wasnt ready, but that never mattered.

"...youre sure?" Dexter was speaking low, but I heard him as I stepped through the kitchen.

"Yeah, I wouldnt leave if I thought-" Gage stopped as he noticed me walk into the living room.

"Thought what? Finish." I waved him on and took my time lowering into the reclining chair.

"Do you need a pillow or something?" Dexter asked on the edge of his seat, ready to jump.

I shook my head, still eyeing Gage, challenging him to admit to more secrets.

"I wouldnt leave if I thought you wouldnt be safe here."

I didnt believe his words, and the idea of putting little Felix in danger had me spinning. "You dont know that. Dexter, he doesnt know that. I can go to a hotel or something."

"No." Gage stood up, cutting me off. "Im not leaving you alone. Youll come back with me if you wont stay here."

"Its fine Rea, you can stay here." Dexter rose to his feet and stood in between us, facing me. "Stay here, okay?" His concern was genuine and broke my heart.

I didnt want to repay good intentions with destruction, but what else could happen when this fire was still out of control. I looked past him to Gage. I wouldnt go with him, I couldnt. So I nodded to Dexter, accepting his offer for now.

"Okay," Dexter breathed.

"Give me a minute with her," Gage asked from behind him.

They had a conversation with their eyes I couldnt even begin to understand, but it was brief and ended with Dexter walking up the stairs.

"Dont you have to leave soon?" I asked, wanting it to be now.

"I do." He stepped in front of my chair. "But Ill be back next weekend to see you."

To check on me.

I stared at the blank T.V. screen, not sure how to feel. I dont think I could feel anymore. The past couple of weeks had been a poison to my emotions, killing them.

He sunk down on his toes in front of me, grabbing my legs. "Baby, I dont want to leave you. I wouldnt if I didnt have to."

But he always thought he had to.

I looked back to him. "Just go."

He dropped his head for a moment, sucking in breath. "Ill tell you. Ill tell you everything you want to know. Please, just let me in a little bit."

No he wouldnt. Hed tell me enough to make me think he was opening up, but it wouldnt change, and I didnt want to continue this game of lies. I didnt want him opening up because I wasnt willing to open for him anymore. I couldnt.

"I dont want to know anymore." I only spoke because he was waiting on me to speak, and I had to if I wanted him to leave.

I could almost feel the uncertainty in his eyes as they bounced over my features, trying to read me.

"You need more time." He was speaking to himself now as he rose to his feet. Lying to himself, it shouldnt have surprised me. He leaned in close, lips touching my forehead, warm breath over my skin.

"I love you," his words blew away the dust of my heart, all that was left.

My hand moved to his s.h.i.+rt, touching the fabric, but not him. I stopped myself from pressing for more; I stopped myself from reaching for his warmth, for him.

"Please, tell me you love me." He dropped his forehead to mine, lips brus.h.i.+ng my cheek.

I couldnt. I didnt want to give strength to that part of me. He was already dangerously close to it.

His lips slid to mine, skimming over them, waiting for me to react. He moved them slow and soft and steady, never pressing, but cracking me.

"Please, Regan, I love you." I wanted to melt into his soft words, but knew they were only pretend comfort and only offered a moment of escape. I needed a lifetime.

I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent one last time. I kissed his lips back, just as soft as his, like we were already ghosts.

"I will always love you," I admitted, unable to keep that truth in. The one part of me I wanted to kill, was the one part that survived when everything else died.

He pulled back, but it was clear my words didnt ease him. If anything, he looked more concerned than ever. And he should.

He nodded, clear eyes trailing over my face as I did the same with him-Rememorizing the familiar.

"Ill be back this weekend." He pressed his lips to mine one last time before rising to his feet and leaving.

"Come on, Rea. Get up. Youre going to the gym with me." Dexter turned off the T.V. and stretched as he rose to his feet.

"I cant. You can go, Im fine."

He shook his head. "Nope. The doctor said you can get out. Maybe you cant work out, but you can help me. And you need out of this house. I need out of this house."

He had been staying with me. Since his school was on break, wed spent the days at home. Leona and Felix were usually here too, but she took him out shopping with friends, preparing for Christmas.

Being around Felix was the sweetest pain, a type of torture and redemption. The only thing that got me out of bed in the mornings.

"You can go, Dexter. You dont need to stay with me." I knew what he was doing, following orders.

"Come on, Rea, snap out of it." Dexter tossed my jacket at me. "Things went bad, I know. But youve got to get yourself up and move on. Wheres that kicka.s.s girl that never gave up, that fought for what she wanted? Youve never been one to just give up, and youre not going to do it now." He shrugged into his jacket. "Now, get up. Im either taking you to the gym or a shrink. Which is it?"

"f.u.c.k you."

"Thats it. Get angry, but get that jacket on too. Now come on."

I cracked open a water bottle and drank. I had walked on the treadmill and was already winded. It only reminded me of everything Id lost. Dexter didnt even know the half of it. He didnt know there had been a baby. He didnt know the resentment burning in me as I watched these people moving and laughing from one station to the next.

He was geared up with another guy, wrestling or something on the mat.

I couldnt stand the smell in the place, the sweaty bodies all doing things I use to be able to do with ease. Nothing would ever be the same. I knew that now with certainty.

Walking to the front of the gym, I didnt know what my intentions were. I wasnt thinking, but before I knew it, I was sliding into a cab that pulled up. Maybe I had called him over.

"To the greyhound station," I heard myself requesting, like it wasnt me.

I hadnt realized I had a plan. I hadnt even admitted to myself that I had been thinking of doing this. But I knew I wouldnt change it now. I needed to get cash off my atm card, and then Id ditch it. It wouldnt last me long, but I didnt care. I didnt want that blood money anyways. I didnt have a clue where Id go, but Id do whatever I wanted.

Once I arrived at the train station, I texted Dexter.

Im sorry. It has to be this way. Thank you for everything.

And then I tossed the phone in the trash and went to the ticket counter.

31: Ready Set.

"READY, SET..."

I knew shed stretch it out, but my finger gripped the trigger just waiting on it.

"Go."

I hit the first target posted on the tree and walked forward as the swamp floor suctioned around my boots. I barely had to aim to hit the cans lined up on the branch to my right. The small flags took more focus, but they tore with each shot. I never slowed my pace as I kept count in my head. The gun only had eight shots, when that last one fired, I pulled the other from my holster.

Aiming with one hand, I was rewarded with a pinging sound as the bullet hit the hubcaps laid on the ground, and then I was at the end of the course, but the bottle shattered a breath before I took my shot.

"f.u.c.k." I dropped my arm and turned to see Blake clearing his gun.

"Lost again, girly." A dark stream of tobacco spit flew from his mouth to the muddy ground.

"But I was close this time."

He shook his head, turning back to the start of the course. "Not that close," he called over his shoulder. His s.h.a.ggy hair swung with his stiff walk, his prosthetic leg not bending under him.

I glanced back over his side of the course till I saw Breezy at the start, sitting in a lawn chair with her camera aimed at the sky. "I was quick this time, right?"

She shrugged. "Dont know, wasnt paying attention."

"Doesnt matter. I still beat you. Youre closing again." He pulled a beer out of the cooler by Breezys chair.

Breezy pulled her camera off her face and held it in one hand on her lap as she twisted her thick black hair over her shoulder. She rolled her eyes at Blake. "And youll be staying there anyways."

He took a pull of his beer. "Someones got to keep the order. Now yall get in gear, Ill meet you girlies in an hour to drive into town." He tossed his beer bottle into the bin beside the fire pit in front of us. "Im ah go make myself presentable."

Breezy laughed. "Good luck with that." She lifted her camera again, ignoring anything beyond the lens as he walked away.

I picked up my own beer bottle, nursing the ache from my loss. Next time. Next time Id beat him. The noises from the swamp began to return around us. The animals back to chattering and calling, only stopped due to the gunfire. They had to be use to it by now. Blake believed he had to prepare for war and was always training for when the government would try and take his guns. He was a bit mad, but so were we all. Id never admit to what I was preparing for.

"Do me a favor?" Breezy stood up, peering into the overgrowth of the swamp. "Fire at that tree." Her tiny arm, covered in a colorful sleeve of tattoos, pointed to a short shrub in the center of bigger trees.

I wasnt sure where she was going with this, but took the opportunity to shoot. It was the one thing that shut off all other feelings. That split second blast held my moment of escape.

"Anywhere specific?" I questioned, raising the revolver.

"Uh." She was fiddling with the k.n.o.bs of her bulky black camera. "Aim for the center?"

I shook my head but adjusted my arm to aim at the thin trunk in the middle of hundreds of branches.

Her tattoos and clothes may have her looking like a bad a.s.s, but for a girl that had lived the last several years with Blake, a former Force Recon Marine, she cared very little about guns. She never even touched them.

As the shot rung out, black birds took off from the branches, calling out their alarm as the flock scattered in multiple directions, black spots against the grey evening sky.

Breezys fingers were quick as she snapped the photos.

The majority of the birds regrouped and landed in nearby trees. They had looked like chaos in the sky, only to quickly settle back down, too close to danger. Stupid birds. But a few, they flew off somewhere else, making the escape.

And all I could think of was the blue eyes I was running from. Except there was no escape, no matter how far I ran. Time was supposed to be what I needed, but even after three months, he still strangled my heart every moment, eyes glowing behind mine constantly. I put away the gun and took a deep drink from my bottle, needing to dull the stabbing memories I could never escape or forget.

"Ill meet you at the truck." I tossed the bottle in the trash, picking up another for the quarter mile walk back to my trailer. The mild winter temperature made it an easy thing. It just sucked when it rained Even if I had a car, Id still have to walk to get there since there was no road, only a path. Thats part of why I stayed. That and Blake let me pay in cash from the start, never trying to file any paperwork. Once the cash ran out, he let me work at his shop, a s.p.a.ce him and Breezy shared. A gun store and tattoo parlor, conveniently located within walking distance to a liquor store. You might as well call it in town, but this part of Louisiana was all country, or swamp to be exact. And the swamp was proving to be a good hideout.