How to Create a Magical Relationship Part 7

That's the way it was for millions of years. Humanity has only recently discovered the possibility of creating environ-ments that are not based merely on survival and physical power. In the last hundred years, the tribal structure, the family structure, and our cultural heritage have been changed by modern technology and a s.h.i.+fting of social values. Not so long ago, one could not survive outside the tribal or family unit. But with the advent of modern technologies, humanity has been 97 97 98.thrown irrevocably into a new time where gender does not determine your social station for the rest of your life. thrown irrevocably into a new time where gender does not determine your social station for the rest of your life.

There was a time in this society when a woman could be only a teacher, librarian, nurse, secretary, clerk, housewife, or mother. The possibility for a woman to become a doctor, lawyer, bank executive, plumber, or police offi cer was slim to none. Until fairly recently, these professions and many others were off-limits to women. Now they are available, but there is still the social baggage-resentments and prejudices-that has been handed down about what is "woman's work" and what a woman is good for.

Traditionally, a woman's ident.i.ty was tied to her role as part of a relations.h.i.+p in which she was expected to maintain and care for a family, and a man's role was a.s.sociated more with having a job and being the breadwinner.

If you want your relations.h.i.+p to fl ourish, it is important to become aware of the stereotypes and prejudices ingrained in your thoughts. They create the background over which your current relations.h.i.+p is played. There are many different facets to the war between the genders, and we are going to outline them so that you can become aware of them as factors that can undermine an otherwise healthy relations.h.i.+p.

C U LT U R A L LY I NG R A I N E D H O T S P O T S.

A couple once came to us for counseling because they had read some of our articles and wanted help with their relations.h.i.+p.

The four of us sat down, and we asked what was happening between them. Steve and Terri, who had been married for almost thirty years, started to lay out the source of their strife.

We were surprised at the particulars.

Terri spoke fi rst. She leaned forward and said earnestly, "Well, our fi rst Christmas together, I bought and wrapped twenty-seven different presents for Steve and gave them to him. He didn't even give me one present that year. I couldn't believe it. How could he have been so thoughtless not to know T h e G e n d e r W a r T h e G e n d e r W a r 99.how important Christmas is and not even to have bothered to get me one single present? This has been the story of our relations.h.i.+p. He has been thoughtless from the beginning. Not only that, I make the money. He basically only walks the dog.

You would think that after all these years he would be less self-ish and pay some attention to me, but no. That's why we have come to you two. I am hoping you can fi nally help him see how to take care of me for a change."

Steve's side of the story was equally embattled and even more surprising than his wife's. When asked what he wanted out of our time together, he said he felt he should make something clear. Next to him was a canvas tote bag that he had brought along to the session. He reached inside and pulled out a well-worn, framed photo of Terri in her wedding dress and said, "See how thin she used to be? Can you believe how fat she's gotten?"

Truthfully, we were shocked by the breadth and depth of their battle. We inquired whether Steve had brought the photo to our meeting because it was something he particularly wished to share with us, and he said, "No, I carry this picture around with me because I want people to know just what I have to put up with."

Over the course of the hour we spent with them, we were able to facilitate a spontaneous reconciliation, where they laid down their weapons-at least for a while. But when the need to be right is more important than the desire to have a great life and a loving relations.h.i.+p, the need to be right will win and the war will ultimately continue.

We tell you about Steve and Terri because their true story seems to be a larger-than-life rendition of how many couples fi ght or relate, as well as how people can literally carry the past around with them instead of being aware and living in the moment. When you see an acute example of this type of fi ght, it is easier to fi nd the subtle ways in which you may have unwittingly undermined relations.h.i.+ps in a similar manner.

100.If you want to attack a woman, one effective tool is to criticize her attractiveness, weight, or appearance. An effective tool to attack a man is to criticize his ability to produce or provide. If you want to attack a woman, one effective tool is to criticize her attractiveness, weight, or appearance. An effective tool to attack a man is to criticize his ability to produce or provide.

If you wish for harmony in your relations.h.i.+p, it is important to be aware that both you and your partner have culturally ingrained hot spots. If you know what they are, you don't have to unwittingly trigger them.

FA M I LY T R A D I T I O N S.

You are probably familiar with the phrase "war between the s.e.xes," but have you thought to investigate all of the fronts on which the gender war appears and is fought? It is essential to bring awareness to all of the ways you have unknowingly been recruited into the fi ght if you want a magical relations.h.i.+p.

The two of us were once on our boat, slowly cruising through a marina on the way to the gas dock. From a distance, we heard angry voices shouting. The man's voice said something like, "You never . . . ," and at the same time, the woman's voice was yelling, "You always. . . ." As we motored past their boat, which was tied to the dock, we saw that the woman was seated, busily fi ling her nails while shouting sarcastically over her shoulder at her mate. He was standing glowering behind her, beer in hand, yelling down at her back. The name of the boat was (and we are not making this up) Family Tradition Family Tradition.

You have learned a lot of your att.i.tudes toward the opposite s.e.x, including body postures, tone of voice, and other ways of relating, from your family. If you want to see how you engage in the gender war, then simply dispa.s.sionately look at your own family life. If you can look at anything from your own childhood without judging what you see, you can begin to unwire the legacy that has been pa.s.sed down from generation to generation.

Don't forget the fi rst of the Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation: what you resist persists and grows stronger. If you are judging the way your parents related and T h e G e n d e r W a r T h e G e n d e r W a r 101.

you have vowed to do it differently, then you most likely will relate in one of two ways. As you get older, either you will become more and more like the parent whom you resisted, or when faced with confl ict, for instance, you will do the opposite.

If he or she was a person who yelled and you promised yourself you would never yell at your spouse, then in times of stress, you may suddenly "snap" and yell at your partner or you will become quiet and withdrawn. Neither position creates the balance people are craving.

C A S U A L C O N V E R SAT I O N A N D G O S S I P C A N.

B E C O R RO S I V E.

People who are fi ghting with the opposite s.e.x will often try to gather agreement from everyone they come in contact with to support their point of view. This is such an automatic behavior that the prejudicial viewpoint will naturally slip unnoticed into conversation. If you don't bring awareness to this condition, it will erode even the best relations.h.i.+p.

Here is an example from Shya's personal experience: Once I went into a store to buy a piece of electronics equipment. As the fellow behind the counter was fi lling out the paperwork, he mentioned he was having a bad day. I said, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah," the salesman, Bart, continued. "I made the mistake of taking my wife's car keys with me to work, and now she's b.i.t.c.hing at me that she has to walk everywhere."

I didn't say much to his comment, and the transaction continued. As I handed him my credit card, he noticed that the magnetic strip on the back of the card was worn.

"Oh," Bart said, "this looks just like my wife's card. It's all worn out because she uses it so much. Actually, she had her wallet stolen in New York last month, but I haven't reported it because the thief is spending less than she was."

Nonplussed, I looked at Bart. I think he expected me to have a hearty laugh at his wife's expense, because he said, "That 102 102 was a joke, Mr. Kane. That was supposed to be a joke." I told Bart that I didn't fi nd it funny and that this type of divisive commentary was probably one of the reasons he and his wife were fi ghting. was a joke, Mr. Kane. That was supposed to be a joke." I told Bart that I didn't fi nd it funny and that this type of divisive commentary was probably one of the reasons he and his wife were fi ghting.

Here is another example of how war between the s.e.xes can happen from Ariel's personal experience: When Shya and I moved to our current home, we went to a new dental offi ce.

While Shya was having his teeth examined by the dentist, the dental hygienist, Carrie, came into the room and said to him, "Your better half is fi nished and waiting for you." Shya said, "No, that's not right. She isn't my better half; she's my partner and my friend."

I didn't hear this interaction because I was in another examination room. However, after Shya's response, the hygienist came back to the room where I was seated, leaned over con-spiratorially, and said, "I just told your husband that his better half was waiting for him."

I sat there for an instant, feeling uneasy, debating what to do next. I just couldn't let the remark pa.s.s. Not because I wanted to change Carrie's point of view, but because I felt that if I kept quiet it would be the same as telling her I agreed with her perspective. Unwilling to be a co-conspirator against men, I replied, "Excuse me, but what you just said is inaccurate. I am not his better half; I am his partner." She got very quiet. When our dentist came into my room with Shya, I greeted them both and said, "Oh, by the way, Carrie just told me what she said to you, and I told her I wasn't your better half but your partner."

Stunned, the dentist said, "That's amazing, your husband just said the exact same thing."

Carrie had come into my room to enroll me in her point of view that women were better than men. If I am the better half, what does that make him? Certainly not my equal. Even though I don't share her point of view, if I hadn't said anything, I might have gone home looking to see in what way he was inferior. I am fairly certain that Carrie is unaware of how she T h e G e n d e r W a r T h e G e n d e r W a r 103.

maligns men. It was just casual conversation on her part. However, even casual conversation, if unexamined, can take its toll on an otherwise healthy relations.h.i.+p.

In both of these accounts, Shya chose to say something to Bart, and Ariel said something to Carrie. You don't always need to speak up, but sometimes you do. Either way, you'll know what is appropriate by how you feel. The important point is to notice and become aware that other people's opinions affect your relations.h.i.+p.

Next is an example, told by Ariel, about another way casual conversations in a public environment impacted our relations.h.i.+p: A few years ago, I went to a nearby series of one-hour step cla.s.ses, a form of aerobic exercise, three or four times a week. There was a group of women who regularly attended, and a kind of camaraderie developed. The ladies idly chatted before, during, and after the cla.s.s. I soon discovered that if I did not pay attention, I exercised not only my body but also the socially ingrained prejudice against men.

Here are a few snippets of the usual conversations: "Wow, Stacey, you look really good. You're really losing weight!"

"Yeah, you may notice, but my husband doesn't. He never notices anything. You know how men are."

"I'm going on vacation to Mexico in a couple of weeks, and I want to get in really good shape so I can look s.e.xy and gorgeous. I can't wait; it's going to be great.

It's just Julie and me. No husbands, no kids!"

"My husband, Steve, and I had a fi ght this morning. His real name is Hemorrhoid." (The instructor made this comment while teaching the cla.s.s!) After cla.s.s, I would go home, and if there had been men-bas.h.i.+ng comments, something would invariably change in my 104 104 demeanor toward Shya. Eventually, it became a game that Shya and I played, where he would say, "How did they get you this morning?" and I would identify and relate all of the seemingly innocent negative comments that had been made about men. It became a follow-up exercise to my aerobic workout. By simply identifying the daily war, I didn't have to become a part of it. demeanor toward Shya. Eventually, it became a game that Shya and I played, where he would say, "How did they get you this morning?" and I would identify and relate all of the seemingly innocent negative comments that had been made about men. It became a follow-up exercise to my aerobic workout. By simply identifying the daily war, I didn't have to become a part of it.

By attending cla.s.ses, I was strengthening my muscles and coordination and building endurance. After cla.s.s, I strengthened the muscle of being able to stay true to my reality and values in relations.h.i.+p to Shya in particular and men in general.

U N E X A M I N E D S T E R E O T Y P E S C O N T R I B U T E.

T O T H E WA R.

Women often suppose that men are prejudiced against women, and men suppose that women are prejudiced against men, but generally neither gender looks to see the prejudices they have about themselves. If you don't become aware of your own internal prejudices about people of your own s.e.x, you will unwittingly a.s.sign these prejudices to your partner. In other words, you will blame your partner for your own unexamined viewpoint.

To see and neutralize the gender war in all its forms, you need to become aware of the att.i.tudes and stereotypes you have unwittingly gathered about the opposite s.e.x, as well as those you have collected about your own gender.

In this day and age, both men and women can perform almost any job. However, over the course of their lives, everyone has been exposed to cultural norms, and eventually these generalities become superimposed over reality.

Here is an example of what to look for: In the anecdote about the dental a.s.sistant, Carrie, do you recall that the dentist was surprised that we had each independently said that we were partners? Did you have a mental picture of this interaction?

Our dentist is a woman. Most people, when hearing this story, visualize a man. Again, this is not a problem in and of itself.

T h e G e n d e r W a r 105.

As we said previously, the mind pulls comparisons from what it already knows and has experienced. It conjures up images from our past, and the past itself can prejudice what is possible in the future.

If we were to talk about children being raised by one parent while the other traveled as a high-powered executive, chances are the automatic image would be that of a woman at home and a man in the workplace, even if the story were really about a stay-at-home dad and a working mom.

U N E X A M I N E D PR E J U D I C E S C O N T R I B U T E.

T O T H E WA R.

A client of ours, Peter, thought he was a fair-minded individual who had nothing against women. He had been critical of his father for looking down on his mother and treating her as a lesser person. As a medical doctor, Peter felt he had, by virtue of education and experience, gotten "beyond that." He even went so far as to volunteer, "I don't think of women as second-cla.s.s citizens." Yet when we spoke with Peter, his strong biases against females kept being revealed.

When Peter talked to us about his time in the military, he commented that he honestly felt having women in combat situations was dangerous because they don't have enough upper body strength to carry a fallen comrade out of harm's way. This idea may sound reasonable, but when Peter spoke about this potential situation, he said, "I can't believe they would let such weaklings into a combat zone."

Here is another example that illuminated Peter's unexamined point of view about women. As he began to investigate how he viewed females, Peter told us about a comment he had made, apparently in jest, to his thirteen-year-old daughter, Vivian. One day at a local shopping mall as they pa.s.sed another man and his four girls, Peter said, "Vivian, look at how sad that man is. He has only daughters and would give anything if one of them were a son." While Vivian tried to laugh at the "joke,"

106.

Peter noticed that she was offended, and things were less easy between them after that. This and other comments of a similar nature caused a rift between them. Peter noticed that she was offended, and things were less easy between them after that. This and other comments of a similar nature caused a rift between them.

Most people are prejudiced against the idea of being prejudiced. In Peter's case, he thought it was better to think of females as equals, so he was hiding from himself all the ways he held them in disdain. His prejudicial point of view was so normal to him that it became transparent.

We told Peter an old anecdote that allowed him to get a glimpse of his prejudices for himself. Here is that story and the ensuing conversation: A young boy was playing ball in the yard, and when it rolled into the street, he darted out between two cars to retrieve it. A motorist coming down the street didn't see the boy and struck him. The boy's father saw the accident from the living room window, but it happened so quickly that he was powerless to stop it. Rus.h.i.+ng outside, he scooped his son into his arms and asked the motorist to drive them to the hospital that was mercifully only a few blocks away. When they pulled up to the emergency entrance, the man ran inside carrying his son. In the emergency room, it was determined that the boy needed surgery because he had sustained internal injuries. But on seeing the child, the surgeon said, "I can't operate on this boy. He is my son!"

"How is this possible?" we asked Peter. Our medical friend had a bright and facile mind, so we encouraged him to look and see what was obvious to us about this story. He began to explore the possibilities.

"The father who carried his boy into the emergency room actually was employed as a surgeon at the hospital. He just happened to be home to see the accident rather than at work,"

was the fi rst answer that came to Peter's mind.

"Not the true end to this story or the answer to this riddle,"

we replied. "The man was standing with his son when the surgeon said, 'I can't operate on this boy. He is my son!' Keep looking."

T h e G e n d e r W a r 107.

"The surgeon was the real father of the boy, and the man in the living room was just the stepfather," Peter guessed.

"Good try, but that's not correct either. Keep looking," we prompted. Then we reiterated the last sentence of the story where the surgeon said, "I can't operate on this boy. He is my son!" and again asked Peter, "How is this possible?"

"Okay, the surgeon was the boy's father in a spiritual sense, and for some religious reason felt he couldn't interfere with G.o.d's plan."

"No, that's not the answer," we replied.

"Well, the man just thought he was the boy's father."

Eventually we told Peter the end of the story because, given his perspective, the true ending wasn't possible. The surgeon could not operate on the boy, because she was the boy's mother.

Peter was truly shocked. As a physician, he was working in a hospital where there were both male and female doctors, but his unexamined prejudices had clouded his vision.

As we mentioned before, prejudice itself is not a bad thing if you are aware of it. If you know you have a bias, you can be responsible and include it, not act through it as if it were true.

When you are aware that you have a prejudice and do not judge yourself for this early programming (Third Principle), it loses its power to determine how you act toward yourself or others.

We encouraged Peter to keep noticing his prejudices. We asked him to become aware of when he thought of women in a demeaning, sarcastic, or dismissive way. It was important, we reminded him, not to be hard on himself when he saw things about his behavior that he believed to be negative. We further encouraged him to forgive himself for the unkind, unaware things he had said and done in the past, because he could not go back and undo them.

A few weeks later, Peter's uncle died, and he attended a family gathering and funeral. When he returned, he told us of 108 108 the unexamined point of view about women that he discovered in his familial culture: When Peter's uncle married and he and his wife did not have any children, the family blamed his wife. the unexamined point of view about women that he discovered in his familial culture: When Peter's uncle married and he and his wife did not have any children, the family blamed his wife.

As a result, he divorced her and married someone else. However, the uncle continued to be s.e.xually intimate with both women. Soon both women got pregnant, and one of his family members snidely commented, "As luck would have it, they both had girls, but neither could give him a son."

Before Peter began investigating his culturally ingrained att.i.tudes toward women, this statement would have been casual conversation that was simply part of the fabric of his life. However, with his newfound awareness, he began to see what had been hidden from him, and how his uncle's behavior and the family's remarks held prejudices on several different levels. The seeing of it allowed him to operate in a manner that was honest to his own personal feelings and values. It allowed him to treat his wife and daughter with love and respect rather than be dominated by the familial way of relating that had been pa.s.sed on to him.

A couple of days after Peter returned from the funeral, he came into the kitchen one morning and saw his daughter Vivian enjoying her breakfast cereal. In that moment, he saw what a lovely young woman she was becoming and was so proud of her. Here is what he initially thought to say: Gee, Vivian, in Gee, Vivian, in another culture, you would be valuable enough that I could get at least ten another culture, you would be valuable enough that I could get at least ten camels for you camels for you.

Peter was startled that his fi rst inclination was to say something that demeaned his daughter rather than simply letting Vivian know how pretty she looked. With awareness, he didn't need to mechanically blurt out something that would certainly have caused more friction between them.

As Peter became aware of his prejudices, without judging what he saw, transformations began to take place. Out of the blue, his daughter, with whom he had had a strained relation-T h e G e n d e r W a r 109.

s.h.i.+p for several years, spontaneously came to hang out with him and watch a movie in the den. Soon they started to have real conversations again, as opposed to behaving like two strangers living in the same house.

The unexamined gender war affects not only the relations.h.i.+p you have between you and yourself or you and your mate; it also affects how you relate to everyone in your life. By simply observing your automatic att.i.tudes without judging what you see, your way of relating will transform in a profound manner.

U N E X A M I N E D C U LT U R A L B I A S E S.

C O N T R I B U T E T O T H E WA R.

Peter discovered that his att.i.tudes about women were not only part of his family's views but also something that was ingrained in the culture in which he was raised. It hadn't occurred to him to investigate the perspective of his culture. Like most people, he hadn't seen that his reality had been defi ned by the unexamined att.i.tudes around him as he grew up. Initially he had blamed his parents for their prejudices, not stopping to realize that they had been dipped in a cultural dye that had colored their worldview.

Another of our clients, Lisa, began to become aware of her ingrained cultural biases when she came to one of our business communication courses. The a.s.signment was to give a two-minute talk on something that was inspirational. The topic didn't matter. This was an exercise in self-expression designed to allow the speaker to inspire the listeners with his or her enthusiasm.

When Lisa's turn came, she chose a subject that was truly heartfelt. She spoke about her two-year-old daughter, Tanya.

She let the listeners know that although she enjoyed managing a department of thirty professionals, going home to her child was the best part of her day. Lisa really enjoyed the evening ritual of feeding, bathing, and playing with Tanya before it was 110 110 time for her to go to bed. Watching Tanya learn and grow and take her fi rst steps were some of the most meaningful moments of Lisa's life. time for her to go to bed. Watching Tanya learn and grow and take her fi rst steps were some of the most meaningful moments of Lisa's life.

This is certainly true for many mothers who are in the workforce. However, the more Lisa spoke, the more her audi-ence became aware that there was a glaring omission in Lisa's account of her time with her child.

Here is an excerpt from Lisa's presentation. Perhaps you can see it for yourself: About three years ago, I decided I wanted a child, so I went and got one. Her name is Tanya, she is now two years old, and I love got one. Her name is Tanya, she is now two years old, and I love her more than anything. I was afraid to have children, but I am her more than anything. I was afraid to have children, but I am very happy that I got one because she is the light of my life. The very happy that I got one because she is the light of my life. The best part of the day is when I come home from work and she is best part of the day is when I come home from work and she is there. I love to play with her and give her my full attention. She there. I love to play with her and give her my full attention. She really loves to eat Cheerios and is going through a stage where really loves to eat Cheerios and is going through a stage where eating cottage cheese is like being in heaven. Bath time is one eating cottage cheese is like being in heaven. Bath time is one of my favorite times, too. She squeals and splashes and smells of my favorite times, too. She squeals and splashes and smells so good. She is so very alive. so good. She is so very alive.

Lisa went on to talk about more of her activities with Tanya, but people in the course grew more and more confused. Sitting across the room during this presentation was another course partic.i.p.ant, Lisa's husband, John. Soon the other attendees began to wonder if the couple had adopted the baby. Another theory one person had while listening to Lisa was that she had already had the child before she met John and that they were only recently married.

At the end of her presentation, Lisa was gently given feedback and asked a few questions. She was truly astonished that her story made it sound as if she were a single parent and John was not the biological father of their child. She soon realized that she hadn't even mentioned that her partner was at home and partic.i.p.ating in the day-to-day events that she'd described. The fact that Lisa had totally eradicated John from T h e G e n d e r W a r T h e G e n d e r W a r 111.

her inspirational talk about caring for Tanya gave her food for thought.