How to Create a Magical Relationship Part 8

The next day, Lisa and John had a private coaching session with us. We were not surprised to fi nd that there were challenges in their marriage, but what did surprise us was how actively Lisa was looking to see her part in the dynamics of their relations.h.i.+p.

As she looked at her life and the culture she came from, Lisa realized that there was a strong dismissal of men by all of the females in the community. She had come from a culture that was matriarchal, and men were held as lesser beings. Over the course of the session with us, she spontaneously identifi ed ways that she dismissed John or treated him as inconsequential, either in her words or by her actions. Both Lisa and John became excited by what she saw.

A few days later, we got an e-mail from her. When Lisa returned to work, she saw that the mechanical behavior of dismissing men had been in full force with her male staff members also. She immediately noticed that she had been listening more attentively and relating better to the women on her staff.

Before Lisa was aware of her own unexamined cultural bias, she had unwittingly segregated her work community into a hierarchy of "worth more" and "worth less." This simple awareness translated into immediate, positive results. By bringing her attention to include men and listening to what they had to say, Lisa quickly saw staff morale, teamwork, and productivity increase.

This newfound awareness also had a dramatic impact on her love relations.h.i.+p. John saw that when Lisa was dismissive, it didn't mean that she was angry. He realized that this was just a part of her cultural heritage. When he didn't take her actions so personally, tensions eased. Immediately, their daughter was more open and playful with John. At age two, Tanya was already looking to Lisa as a role model for how to behave with men. As Lisa included John, it became easier for Tanya to include him as well.

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The transformational effects of Lisa simply seeing how she was relating to her environment, without judging herself for what she saw, were truly profound and instantaneous. The transformational effects of Lisa simply seeing how she was relating to her environment, without judging herself for what she saw, were truly profound and instantaneous.

Exercises: The Gender War 1. As you watch television, pay particular attention to the commercials.

Notice how the producers use and perpetuate the gender war to sell their products.

2. When you are in a checkout line, at work, at the gym, or in other places where you would engage in or overhear casual conversation, notice if the dialogue contains sentiment that is either pro- or anti-male or female.

3. See if you can catch yourself when you erroneously make gender a.s.sumptions, such as that dentists are male and stay-at-home parents are female. Even if your own doctor is a woman, look to see if your mind still automatically inserts a man into the picture when the subject of a doctor is brought up in conversation.

4. When you are in your community, such as work, places of wors.h.i.+p, school, and other places where people meet and share ideas, become aware of the cultural att.i.tudes toward men, women, and relations.h.i.+ps.

10.Relations.h.i.+p Splitters

There is a mechanical behavior that is so prevalent and so normal that it goes largely unnoticed, yet it remains one of the strongest impediments to creating and maintaining a healthy, loving relations.h.i.+p. Over the years, the two of us have seen many different variations of this phenomenon, and rather organically, a term for what we have observed has emerged.

We call it a "relations.h.i.+p splitter." It is a behavior that is fi rst seen between children and their parents, and it expands into later life. It may be innocent at fi rst, but if left unexamined, you may not see it when it is happening and it will destroy the possibility of having a magical relations.h.i.+p.

A relations.h.i.+p splitter is a person who has a specifi c type of incompletion with his or her parents. This person will usually have bonded with the parent of the opposite s.e.x to the exclusion of the other. In early childhood, this behavior may be seen as cute. It can be sweet to see a young boy who is so attentive to his mother or a young girl who loves to be with her daddy.

But if it continues into adulthood, it becomes a way of relating that automatically disrupts or destroys all relations.h.i.+ps it comes in contact with.

Initially, the child may have been enrolled by the parent of the opposite s.e.x into an ongoing war with his or her spouse.

So in the case of a mother and son, he becomes her confi dant as she complains about her husband. Another way this dynamic can evolve is in the case of a man who is much more available 113 113 114.

and open in his self-expression with his daughter than he is with his wife. These children grow up very attuned to being attentive to one parent while competing with or excluding the other. This mechanical way of relating eventually follows these individuals into all interactions with all couples. and open in his self-expression with his daughter than he is with his wife. These children grow up very attuned to being attentive to one parent while competing with or excluding the other. This mechanical way of relating eventually follows these individuals into all interactions with all couples.

If a child bonded with his mother and competed with his father for her attention, he would naturally reject any overtures of friends.h.i.+p made by his father. As he gets older, this type of young man is likely to say that his father was cold or distant or always rejected him. Rarely would he see his part in his estrangement from his father.

Now let's take this individual into adulthood. People bring along with them their schematic for relations.h.i.+p, and that program is played out in their lives indiscriminately. So if a man has been a disruptive force between his mother and father, when he enters a social situation, he will mechanically reenact his unaware behavior with any couple-or any individual who is part of a couple-that he comes into contact with. In fact, we have seen that people who are stuck in a relations.h.i.+p splitting mode will usually only be interested in garnering the attention of someone who is already in a relations.h.i.+p while generally having little or no interest in available single men or women.

Within this type of person, compet.i.tion seems to be a driving force. If the relations.h.i.+p splitter "wins" the unavailable individual and lures him or her out of an existing relations.h.i.+p, then the new romance is already over before it begins. Relations.h.i.+p splitters have a very hard time growing and maintaining relations.h.i.+ps of their own. Their immature way of relating is dependent on being the focal point and causing a disruption between any two people already in a couple.

Sometimes relations.h.i.+p splitters will be unaware of their effect on others. It is as if their early way of relating with their parents is so ingrained that it supersedes all other ways of relating, and each new interaction is like a blank canvas waiting to be painted with the message, "Wouldn't you rather be with me?

I care for you and am so much more interested in you than he/ R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s 115 115 she is!" Then as these people go through life, they are surprised when others react negatively toward them.

It is important when investigating this automatic way of relating that you are grounded in your anthropological outlook and nonjudgmental way of seeing. If you misidentify relations.h.i.+p splitting as a "bad" thing, you will not be able to see all the nuances of your own ways of relating, and you will develop a lack of compa.s.sion for others who exhibit this behavior.

In this chapter are several anecdotes that ill.u.s.trate different relations.h.i.+p splitting scenarios. There are so many variations of this phenomenon that it is virtually impossible to cover them all, but we will present some of the archetypical themes so that you can learn to identify them in your own life.

RU P E R T ' S S T O RY There was a concert pianist, Rupert, who frequented our weekly evening groups in New York City. He made it a habit to sit in the back and generally spoke up at some point during the evening. It was fascinating to watch the ripples of avid interest and extreme dislike that went through the room whenever he addressed the group. The women would sigh and dream of going to one of his concerts at Carnegie Hall, and the men would bristle and fl ash annoyed looks at one another. Then later, in private, disagreements would crop up between couples when they attempted to have even casual conversations about Rupert. One of the hallmarks of these interactions was the woman in the couple not wanting to hear her husband or boyfriend's perspective and feeling compelled to defend Rupert.

With a little coaching, these couples came to see that it was impossible for each to experience what the other was experiencing. It was as if Rupert were sending signals on two different wavelengths. The men discovered that they shouldn't feel frustrated that the women didn't "see through" Rupert's presentation to see how compet.i.tive and divisive he was. The women learned to question the situation when they felt compelled to defend another man against their spouse or boyfriend. The act 116 116 of needing to defend the "poor, misunderstood fellow" against the "bad man" became a signal to look for the mechanics of a relations.h.i.+p splitter in action. of needing to defend the "poor, misunderstood fellow" against the "bad man" became a signal to look for the mechanics of a relations.h.i.+p splitter in action.

Once a man came up to Ariel in one of our groups and said, "Are you doing your makeup differently? It looks really good tonight." On the surface, this compliment was an innocuous statement, but Ariel found herself thinking, Shya didn't notice that Shya didn't notice that I did my makeup differently I did my makeup differently. We spoke of this interaction privately and began to realize that this man was regularly attentive to women already in relations.h.i.+ps and avoided single ladies.

When a man is in compet.i.tion with his father, he will attempt to be the "better husband" to his mother or any woman who is in a relations.h.i.+p. And if a woman is in compet.i.tion with her mother, she will try to be the "better wife." Often a woman who is a relations.h.i.+p splitter will send nonverbal signals such as, Wouldn't you rather be with me? I am younger, prettier, s.e.xier, and more Wouldn't you rather be with me? I am younger, prettier, s.e.xier, and more attentive than your wife attentive than your wife.

JAC K , L E S L I E , A N D P H I L L I P ' S S T O RY Leslie and Jack were married for fourteen years and had three kids. Jack's work was stressful, and things were rough at times.

But they were normal folks trying to get by, raising their family to the best of their abilities. At some point in the marriage, Phillip, a foreign exchange student from Europe, came to live with them for a school year. Prior to his arrival, Jack and Leslie had diffi culties communicating and fought from time to time, but they were doing their best to resolve their issues.

After Phillip arrived, however, things changed dramatically. Phillip became Leslie's confi dant and friend. He listened attentively when she spoke, and when Jack had to work long hours, he and Leslie would sit around the kitchen table and be "best friends." Of course, since Phillip was only a boy and not a romantic interest, Leslie didn't catch the signals that by confi ding in him, she was distancing herself from her relations.h.i.+p with Jack. Things that would normally be bottled up inside until they were addressed and completed with her husband now R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s 117 117 had an outlet elsewhere. This seemingly innocent relations.h.i.+p precipitated a seemingly sudden divorce. From Jack's point of view, Leslie was less available, and he found himself becoming angry. He had no idea that Leslie and Phillip's relations.h.i.+p was precipitating many of his feelings of inadequacy and estrangement. All he knew was that he wanted a divorce.

For his part, Phillip had re-created in his new environment the relations.h.i.+p he had with his mother and father at home. For as long as he could remember, he and his mother had been best friends, while in his opinion, his father had been cold, aloof, and distant. As a rule, he had a much easier time relating to women than to men.

Phillip is a cla.s.sic version of a relations.h.i.+p splitter. He fi nds himself attracted to or befriending people of the opposite s.e.x who are already in a relations.h.i.+p. Just like in his earlier home life, he is committed to proving that he would be a better, more attentive, and caring husband than the other person's actual spouse.

Let's take a closer look at the dynamics between Leslie and Phillip. Sometime after her divorce, Leslie began dating again.

After a couple of years, she fi nally found a fellow with whom she developed a serious relations.h.i.+p. Then, after not having heard from Phillip in several years, she suddenly received a call from him asking to come back and visit. She agreed, but when Phillip stayed at her house, Leslie and her beau had their fi rst argument, and it was explosive. This disagreement led to a breakup.

After a year apart, Leslie and her boyfriend decided to give it another try. Within a day, Phillip called again and asked to stay at Leslie's house for part of his vacation. But this time, Leslie was aware of the potential this young man had to disrupt her relations.h.i.+p, and she gently told him that she couldn't offer him a place to stay.

There frequently seems to be an intuitive connection between relations.h.i.+p splitters and the people to whom they are attracted. We are suggesting that the timing of Phillip's calls 118 118 was not merely coincidental, but the result of an uncanny ability that many people have to be a consistent, divisive infl uence in relations.h.i.+ps. was not merely coincidental, but the result of an uncanny ability that many people have to be a consistent, divisive infl uence in relations.h.i.+ps.

J OA N ' S S T O RY We found another cla.s.sic example of a relations.h.i.+p splitter in Joan, who came to one of our relations.h.i.+p seminars interested in fi nding someone with whom she could build a life, someone she could marry. During the course of the weekend, she revealed that she traditionally had a history of dating married men and was tired of this lifestyle. So we did an experiment.

Since Joan didn't know many of the seventy or so people in the room, we thought it would be interesting to see who she found attractive. We asked her to quickly, without much thought, look around the room and point out the men she found appeal-ing. So she said, "I like you, you, and you," and she worked her way around the room, skipping those men toward whom she felt no pull. When she was done, we realized that every man she was attracted to was already married or in a committed relations.h.i.+p. All of those she skipped were single, available (and attractive) men.

Joan and her mother historically had had a tumultuous relations.h.i.+p, and Joan had never dated someone who was truly available. She found that she automatically gravitated toward men who were already connected to another woman. Through our experiment and the resulting dialogue, Joan was able to see that at a very young age she had unwittingly committed herself to being the better wife. This unexamined compet.i.tion with her mother was then eventually played out with all women and all relations.h.i.+ps.

When unexamined, this way of relating becomes a lifestyle that follows the relations.h.i.+p splitter through all of his or her interactions and will continue unabated unless it is seen without judgment. In Joan's case, this was challenging because she did not like the fact that she was attracted only to married men, yet she still found herself justifying why it was okay to R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s 119 119 date them. I'm just taking care of him because his wife isn't good to him I'm just taking care of him because his wife isn't good to him, and He's only staying with her to not hurt the kids He's only staying with her to not hurt the kids, are just two of the stories she told herself. It hadn't occurred to Joan that her very presence had an impact on the way the man she was dating related to his wife and she to him. Once she became aware of this problem, didn't judge it, and let it complete itself (Third Principle), her track record with men improved dramatically as she fi nally began dating men who were truly available.

T H E R E L AT I O N S H I P W I T H YO U R S E L F.

There is one other type of relations.h.i.+p splitting phenomenon that is probably the most challenging. This is the individual who divides you from being in relations.h.i.+p with yourself.

When you are out of sync with yourself, all of your interactions with others suffer as well.

Joel and Bob's Story After many years of attempting to improve what had devolved into a loveless marriage, Joel and Karen got a divorce. At the time of their breakup, they owned a country home that they had renovated, adding many amenities and personal touches. It had been their retreat and a place where they had enjoyed time with their son, Tim. They had also developed a community of friends over the summers they had spent there. So during the divorce, one of the more challenging questions was deciding what to do with the property; it had many sentimental attach-ments for everyone involved. Initially Joel found himself long-ing for the sense of family, community, and stability that this location had once offered. But since his relations.h.i.+p with Karen was over, he put the country home behind him. He found new, unexplored country locales where he could spend time with Tim and they could still enjoy the outdoors together.

As Joel's life moved on, the country home fell into the background. He started a new relations.h.i.+p with a woman who adored him and his son, and life was good as they moved forward as a new family unit.

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Then one day Joel went for a meal with an old friend, Bob, who began asking him questions about his life. Then one day Joel went for a meal with an old friend, Bob, who began asking him questions about his life.

"Do you miss the country home?" Bob asked.

Joel answered, "No, not really. Tim and I have been going to other great places together. Just last month we spent two weeks in Vermont, and it's really beautiful there."

"But don't you miss all your old friends and the great screened-in porch you put on the front of the house? What about the convenience of leaving the city and an hour later being at your own place?"

Joel replied that the country home was history and that he had moved on.

But Bob kept asking questions designed to reconnect Joel to the past, and those questions painted a picture of the "good old days." Even though the last few years at the country house with his ex had been anything but good, the line of questioning kept directing Joel back into thinking that he might have made a mistake with his life choices.

The next day, he felt generally irritable, and when he saw his girlfriend, he was distant and reserved. It wasn't until the couple talked about the abrupt change in his att.i.tude that they discovered that the conversation with Bob had started Joel down a path of self-recrimination and doubt. It had infused him with the idea that he might have made a mistake by ending his marriage. Looking further, Joel and his girlfriend realized that Bob was hanging on to a loveless, embattled marriage himself and was threatened that Joel had had the courage to end a relations.h.i.+p that wasn't working. Bob was trying to encourage Joel to go back to his old life because it was more comfortable than looking at what wasn't working in his own marriage.

The two of us have found that people often give advice through a fi lter of their own fears. Well-meaning friends often caution others to not go too fast or too far. These friends tell themselves that they are only concerned for the happiness of the person they are advising, but, in fact, they are really counseling others to not go for their dreams. If a person is afraid of R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s 121 121 looking at what isn't working in his or her own relations.h.i.+p and life, then the advice will be tainted in support of inactivity or holding on to the status quo.

Stella's Story Here is another version of how your relations.h.i.+p with yourself can be eroded. Stella has a pa.s.sion for riding horses and her husband, Steve, is pa.s.sionate about fl y-fi s.h.i.+ng. So they plan their vacations in places where they can do both. Last year they booked a week at a dude ranch with lots of trout streams. Even though Stella had her own horse, Dusty, at home, she felt it would be an excellent time to relax and learn new skills that she could take home and teach him. Steve was looking forward to days of wandering down trout streams and having the luxury of spending the evenings with Stella. The plan was a good one, but they didn't account for the infl uence that the other guests and the proprietors of the dude ranch would have upon their relations.h.i.+p.

This ranch, owned and run by a couple, tended to attract mainly female guests. So in the evening, when Stella and Steve would go to dinner, many of the women there would comment on how they would love it if their husbands would join them on vacation; however, there was really an undercurrent of discomfort at having a man in their midst. It was as if Stella had invited the enemy on vacation. She found herself wanting to be liked by the other women and, without realizing it, started rejecting Steve. Not only did she reject him, she started rejecting her whole lifestyle, as if she were doing her life wrong. She even began to be embarra.s.sed that she worked in a big city rather than living in a rural area.

When Stella returned home, she found herself inordinately annoyed with people in general. She no longer wanted to chat with the local newspaper vendor or the fellow who sold her coffee in the morning. She began judging her job and co-workers.

Nothing appeared right anymore. Perhaps Perhaps, she thought, I should I should just quit everything and move to the country just quit everything and move to the country. And an odd thing hap-122 pened. She was no longer pa.s.sionate about riding her treasured friend, Dusty. She began to say things like, "I have to go ride the horse." The heart connection between Stella and everyone and everything in her environment had been disrupted. pened. She was no longer pa.s.sionate about riding her treasured friend, Dusty. She began to say things like, "I have to go ride the horse." The heart connection between Stella and everyone and everything in her environment had been disrupted.

In an individual consulting session with us, Stella and Steve took an anthropological point of view. Together, we nonjudgmentally looked at what had interfered so dramatically with their relations.h.i.+p and with Stella's relations.h.i.+p to herself and her life in general. They saw that, while at the dude ranch, she had ignored the undercurrent of anti-male sentiment among the other guests because she had wanted to be liked. They also saw that the husband and wife who ran the ranch bickered as a way of life and were compet.i.tive with each other. Stella had shut her eyes to the discomfort of being around them.

By simply seeing and recognizing that in her attempt to fi t in she had inadvertently rejected her own truth, Stella was immediately reconnected to herself, her husband, and even her horse. With simple recognition and without being hard on herself for getting lost in the fi rst place, her sense of well-being came fl ooding back.

Further, Steve and Stella realized that if they go back to that ranch or others like it, they need to be more aware of the undercurrents in their environment.

T H E R E L AT I O N S H I P F L U A N D T H E.

C U R R E N T S I N YO U R E N V I RO N M E N T.

If you were to contract a fl u virus, you wouldn't expect to feel its effects immediately. There would be an incubation period before the symptoms showed up. With many disturbances in a relations.h.i.+p, it is diffi cult to sort out what caused the upset because people look at what just just happened and blame the upset on that rather than looking back at where they went off course twenty-four to forty-eight hours before. happened and blame the upset on that rather than looking back at where they went off course twenty-four to forty-eight hours before.

It has been our experience that people are rarely, if ever, upset by what has just happened. They are actually pushed off R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s R e l a t i o n s h i p S p l i t t e r s 123 123 course or driven out of sync by events that occurred earlier of which they are, for the most part, unaware.

We have noticed that when we are riding in a boat, a wave coming from one side or a crosswind can push us off course.

But we don't necessarily notice it until we have gone far enough that the change in direction is apparent. So, too, it is with upsetting events. By the time you realize that you are off track, you may have been for some time.

There are people who say or do things that can profoundly affect your relations.h.i.+p and you will not be aware of it at fi rst.

You will only notice the effect of their disturbing infl uence when an upset erupts. At that point, you will have already missed what initiated the upset and are likely to a.s.sign causality to something or someone in your immediate environment or the last thing that happened-and that something or someone is often your partner. Just by virtue of the time you spend with your partner, he or she is likely to become the focal point of upsets, because chances are he or she will be in your proximity when you realize that you are upset.

Tyrone and Ayesha's Story Tyrone had been divorced for three years when he and Ayesha started dating. He had two children from his previous marriage, a ten-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl. Ayesha and Tyrone's relations.h.i.+p grew closer, and eventually they set up a home together. His children lived with their mother and came to visit on a regular basis. Although the kids liked Ayesha, they still wished their parents had not separated and they quietly lobbied to get their mother and father back together. As a result, Tyrone and Ayesha began to notice a pattern in how the two of them related to each other in the days prior to, during, and following visits from the children.

In their normal, day-to-day way of relating, Tyrone and Ayesha were harmonious, but in the days surrounding and during the kids' visits, they bickered. With coaching, the couple 124 124 came to expect that as soon as the children's attention turned to coming over to their house, even though Tyrone and Ayesha hadn't spoken with them yet, this was enough to start the dynamic. came to expect that as soon as the children's attention turned to coming over to their house, even though Tyrone and Ayesha hadn't spoken with them yet, this was enough to start the dynamic.

At fi rst, it was diffi cult for the two of them to sort out this situation. To begin with, Tyrone did not want to see that his "sweet, innocent" children had brought with them a relations.h.i.+p splitting dynamic. It also didn't initially make sense to the couple that their way of relating could s.h.i.+ft even before before the children arrived. However, Tyrone and Ayesha were able to establish that the pattern of their relating actually changed when the kids even spent time the children arrived. However, Tyrone and Ayesha were able to establish that the pattern of their relating actually changed when the kids even spent time thinking thinking about them. It was as if the children's attention set up a psychic, intuitive link between parent and child. Eventually, it got to the point where if Tyrone and Ayesha started to feel out of sorts with each other, Tyrone could call the kids and one or the other of them would say, about them. It was as if the children's attention set up a psychic, intuitive link between parent and child. Eventually, it got to the point where if Tyrone and Ayesha started to feel out of sorts with each other, Tyrone could call the kids and one or the other of them would say, "Oh, Daddy, we were just thinking about you! We've been talking about our visit this weekend and wondering what we should bring with us."

By simply observing the repet.i.tive nature of the dynamic, they were able to see the situation without judgment. Once they realized that this change in their way of relating happened with every visit, they could watch for it, not judge themselves or the children. As a result, they did not have to resent the kids or automatically bicker.

11.s.e.x and Intimacy

True physical intimacy is an active component in a magical relations.h.i.+p. It is not something to be taken for granted, but rather something to nurture, like a delicate fl ower. When a couple allows themselves to become vulnerable with each other and uses the opportunity of being s.e.xually expressive to let go of the cares of the day and communicate their love for one another, s.e.x leaves the realm of being a mere physical act and becomes a sacred expression.

If you want to create closeness and true intimacy in your s.e.xual expression with your partner, take a look at the components that are built into you genetically and culturally. Both of these, if left unexamined, can act as impediments to true well-being.

Little children have no concept of right and wrong, good and bad. They are immersed in the family culture with its religious and social mores and taboos. By the time you are an adult, chances are that you have confl icting ideas about s.e.xuality. Because there are such pressures not to have s.e.x before you are ready or before you are in a socially, morally acceptable union with a partner, individuals often absorb the idea that s.e.x is bad, dirty, or evil. It is hard to switch from the idea that s.e.x is wrong to allowing yourself to fully enjoy and appreciate this most intimate form of self-expression between two loving individuals. Many times your early social conditioning is a silent partner that accompanies you to the bedroom.

125.

126.

Many people are born into families that have been structured and instructed in the areas of s.e.x and intimacy primarily by religious organizations. Most of us grew up in families where if s.e.x was mentioned at all, there was a sense that it was not the same as discussing the food on the dinner table or talking about your day. If s.e.x was mentioned, there was some taboo attached to it, whether stated or insinuated. As we move into our teen-age years, hormones override inhibitions. As we enter p.u.b.erty, those hormones instinctively guide us toward reproduction and the survival of the species. These forces are very strong and can carry us beyond our socialized inhibitions. Many people are born into families that have been structured and instructed in the areas of s.e.x and intimacy primarily by religious organizations. Most of us grew up in families where if s.e.x was mentioned at all, there was a sense that it was not the same as discussing the food on the dinner table or talking about your day. If s.e.x was mentioned, there was some taboo attached to it, whether stated or insinuated. As we move into our teen-age years, hormones override inhibitions. As we enter p.u.b.erty, those hormones instinctively guide us toward reproduction and the survival of the species. These forces are very strong and can carry us beyond our socialized inhibitions.

For many couples we have coached, it was easier to be s.e.xually expressive early in a relations.h.i.+p. When they are younger and their relations.h.i.+p is new, the excitement is enough to override the social and cultural conditioning against s.e.x. Later, however, as hormones slow down and a backlog of unexpressed communications build up, people discover that they have to generate being physically intimate. In other words, they can't always count on the fact that they will have s.e.x on a regular basis; they may fi nd they need to set aside time for romance.

Early in a relations.h.i.+p, even bad breath can be s.e.xy. But when the fi res of pa.s.sion die down through insensitivity to each other, stresses at work, and the incredible demands of parenting, then physical intimacy becomes yet another demand made upon the couple.

Many people don't realize that s.e.x and intimacy become less pleasurable when there are even small, withheld communications. Frequently these withheld communications build into resentments, with s.e.x becoming part of the battleground. The withholding of s.e.x becomes a weapon to use against a partner as revenge for transgressions, whether real or imagined.

If you are withholding s.e.x from your partner as a form of letting him or her know that you are angry about something, this is one of those times that fully demonstrates you are more interested in being right than in being alive. This form of fi ghting denies you pleasure, warmth, a feeling of closeness, S e x a n d I n t i m a c y S e x a n d I n t i m a c y 127.

love, touching, and physical intimacy. But you get to be right that your partner did it wrong, and now you are punis.h.i.+ng him or her-and also yourself-which leads to feeling less alive.

Before the two of us got together, we each had other partners. We came to our initial date with a history of things that worked in relations.h.i.+ps and things that were problematic for us. Very early on in our dating we talked about what was important to us regarding s.e.xual intimacy. This in itself was a breakthrough, because in the past, neither of us had had such a frank conversation with any partner at any time during a relations.h.i.+p, much less in the very beginning.

To begin with, Shya had recently experienced a long-term relations.h.i.+p in which his partner withheld s.e.x. After talking about this, we made each other a promise: if one of us wanted to have s.e.x and said so, then the other would approach the s.e.xual union as if it were his or her idea with the intention of loving the experience. Little did we know that this one simple, little agreement would become a stabilizing foundation for our relations.h.i.+p. It allowed us to pull ourselves past the tiredness, distractions, and upsets of the day into the realm of intimacy and pleasure. If you truly engage with your partner as if each s.e.xual interlude is your idea with the intention of loving the experience rather than enduring it or getting it over with, miracles can happen. With this promise in place, our bedroom and intimate time became a sanctuary from the cares of the world rather than a battleground.

The same evening that we adopted that initial agreement, Ariel made a confession. In her s.e.xual history with other partners, o.r.g.a.s.ms were elusive. She found that often her partner climaxed and she felt left out or frustrated. So Shya promised, "Whenever we have s.e.x, I promise that if you want an o.r.g.a.s.m, we will make sure that you have one before we fi nish."

This allowed Ariel to relax and play and put attention on Shya without having to worry about things getting too carried away so that she was left hanging-she knew that she 128 128 would leave the encounter feeling satisfi ed as well. Interestingly enough, with the resulting relaxation, trust, and ease between us, o.r.g.a.s.ms became easier and effortless. would leave the encounter feeling satisfi ed as well. Interestingly enough, with the resulting relaxation, trust, and ease between us, o.r.g.a.s.ms became easier and effortless.

Now the agreements we made with each other have faded into the background, but initially, they allowed us to surrender to each other. They were a support structure that helped us pull ourselves past the automatic "don't tell me what to do."